Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being known as shy?

22 replies

Sherbetty · 29/12/2018 12:50

No matter what I do my reputation as shy, quiet and antisocial seems to follow me wherever i go. I enjoy talking to people and going to social events and I think i talk quite a lot. But because I'm not enthusiastic and bubbly all day everyday everyone labels me as shy. Friends tease me by saying things like "we all know she's the loudest in the room" (with a lot of sarcasm) or when I am talking a lot and I'm in a good mood it's "that's the most I've heard you speak". Another problem is I really feel like people don't notice me, the amount of times I've had someone say "I forgot you were there" or miss me out of something, assume I wouldn't want to do something. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive but it's always been this way and I wish i could come across differently

OP posts:
Original poster
Sherbetty · 29/12/2018 13:03

Bump

OP posts:
impossiblecat · 29/12/2018 13:07

They don't sound like friends. I'm quite reserved until I get to know people. I have been called shy and have been subject to stupid comments like you have. I just avoid those types of people now.

4strings · 29/12/2018 13:07

Those aren’t your friends.

I was labelled shy. I’m not. I’m anything but. What I am is an introvert, which is different, and which I am completely comfortable with.

How old are you, OP? I find the older I get the fewer shits I give about what people think about me.

ashtrayheart · 29/12/2018 13:10

I hear you, it’s annoying isn’t it. Labels in general are and I cringe when people refer to children, in front of them as ‘shy’ Hmm
Interestingly, I started a voluntary job a few months back where being shy is not really an option due to its nature and I’m thought of as outgoing there! Which I think shows how stuck in our labels we can get depending on people’s initial impressions.
Short of calling people out on it when they comment, not sure what the answer is with people who have this fixed view of you!

Bluebell878275 · 29/12/2018 13:20

4strings I'm similar to you. There is a 'loud' bloke at work who seems determined to try and find out why I'm just so quiet and shy Hmm He sat next to me at the Christmas party and told me how interesting he finds quiet people and why don't I talk to him more..Me being me I then find myself explaining why I'm not shy and then aplogising if I've come across as rude Confused In all honesty I don't particularly like him so struggle with small talk as I'm really not interested..should have just said that. I'm sure there will be another opportunity to do so as he gets pissed fairly often.

Original poster
Sherbetty · 29/12/2018 13:24

I'm 33, i find I care less than i used to but it's frustrating that this has been happening since I can remember. Admittedly i was shy as a child, painfully shy, i hated talking to people but i got over that in my teens. It's nearly everyone i know that makes comments like that and they are usually joking and i can usually take a joke but this really gets to me for some reason

OP posts:
setAsProfile · 29/12/2018 13:35

Can you make an effort to be more gregarious?

Pre-plan some comebacks to predictable comments.

Alternatively, why try an change? What's wrong with being the quiet one? Ignore the fact that society views extrovert alphas as aspirational and embrace who you are. I'm pretty popular and successful in my field and got there as an introvert. One who plans and rehearses every 3 minute speech to staff. Accept who you are and work out how to make it a benefit for you. Don't try and change. It won't work.

Streamside · 29/12/2018 14:09

Read up on the different aspects of introversion, I found the results fascinating and the INTP personality type traits are scarily like me. I'm in my early fifties and it's taken nearly all those years to appreciate my personality type.You shouldn't feel in any way apologetic for your personality. In the same way as an extrovert may have to rein in their behaviour occasionally you may need to go slightly outside your comfort zone when the occasion requires it so you can prepare for that. I'm an introvert who's been forced into a huge open plan office arrangement recently and I'm having to take steps to deal with it but I'm also mindful of the real strengths my contemplative and analytical mind can offer to my employer.

2manybiscuits · 29/12/2018 15:14

I'm 41 and was called shy at school all of the time they used to call me shy followed by my name which I hated the sound of it and was very embarrased. Some girls used to say S is so quiet so mute nobody be her friend. I have always been embarrased but I'm still the same I don't like big social gatherings and groups and prefer smaller friendship groups.

letsmeet · 29/12/2018 15:19

I could've written this. I am an introvert and I am shy until I get to know someone. when in a group setting I completely clam up, I hate it but it's me and I always always hate meeting new people because I know they're going to mention how shy and quiet i am and I'm just sick to death of hearing it.
I have tried forcing myself to talk more and with some people i can talk like theirs no tomorrow but others I get super awkward and don't know what to say.
I'm 30 too and I've realised I am caring less and less but I feel your pain op, I just wish people didn't feel the need to keep pointing it out all the time.

Streamside · 29/12/2018 15:23

He's really just playing with you do don't feel any obligated to enable him.

Streamside · 29/12/2018 15:23

Obligation

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 29/12/2018 15:26

I've had to come up with coping mechanisms to appear more talkative and avoid any comments about being quiet and shy.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/12/2018 15:30

You need better friends. Many loud people with "big personalities" can be very obnoxious to others too. There are pros and cons to being extraverted too.

letsmeet · 29/12/2018 15:33

sisterofdon How do you appear more talkative if you don't mind me asking?
People think I'm more talkative when I'm with my DC because they're always asking questions and I'm always telling them off for messing about Grin

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 29/12/2018 18:46

Letsmeet, I concentrate most of my efforts on the first moments of meeting others. Really just the first 1-2 minutes. Hogging the conversation, talking nonsense about weather, commute, kids etc. That usually does the trick.

What I've noticed is that a lot of people deal with social situations by asking a lot of random questions from others, I find it tiresome but seems to work for some? Takes the pressure off you but still gives the impression of taking part in a conversation.

letsmeet · 29/12/2018 18:47

Thank you I shall try that. I need all the help I cn get.

Fluffymullet · 29/12/2018 18:57

I was once working abroad in a big community of ex pats where one of the girls in her early 20s was labelled 'shy' as she didn't shine in groups. She was one of the funniest, kindest and socially aware people i have met 1 on 1. She recently won a multimillion funding bid for the charity she works for providing healthcare technology in the developing world. I really look up to her, despite her being a good bit younger than me but most people would never know as she would never shout about her achievements.

I'm afraid there are a lot of people who aren't willing to scratch below the surface to find the interesting people out there. Mastering the act of looking approachable, smiling and small talk ( god i hate myself for saying this!) really helps if you want to meet new people/ shake off the shy label. I'm amazed how many people don't make the first move speaking to people. It really is that 'breaking the ice' moment of making a rather mundane comment about weather/ tv blah blah that can make people think you are approachable.

Good luck

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 19:07

Agree with Snuggy that you need better friends. This sounds like teenage groupthink behaviour where the best possible accolade is what a LAUGH someone is. I certainly wouldn’t be reinventing my social persona because of other people’s misconceptions.

Meanwhile, in the rest of the adult world, the rest of us are desperately avoiding the one who is described as the ‘life and soul of the party’ or, even worse, the ‘bubbly one’, which is all too often shorthand for ‘loud and obnoxious’, ‘has a binge-drinking problem’ or ‘doesn’t know when to shut up’. Or, more kindly, ‘trapped eternally in the role of class clown’.

Polarbearflavour · 29/12/2018 19:12

I really don’t care what people think of me. And I don’t really like people so...Xmas Wink

123rd · 29/12/2018 19:15

It's odd. In my family growing up I was always the shy , quiet introverted one. But that's because I had some big personalities in my family.
Now I'm more my own person and not just part of that family I've got less of that reputation.
Sod'em op. If you are happy with how you act around other people then let them say what they want.

Frenchfemme · 29/12/2018 19:26

This calls for my favourite quote - better to be quiet and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page