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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop gifts to older Nieces and Nephews

23 replies

ilikemethewayiam · 29/12/2018 12:08

Hi All, i’m sure this is a dilemma many people face!
I have 9 nieces and nephews ranging from 10 to 23. My husband and I have retired early due to ill health and now moving 5 hrs away to our new retirement home. We will now have to watch every penny so need to start reigning in what we spend on Xmas and birthday presents. The older ones are getting to the point where they are finished Uni and out to work, meeting partners and moving in with them. My siblings are all well off and the kids have everything they could possibly want so I have only ever sent them a little bit of cash/vouchers as a token anyway. This year I would like to set a limit and say that once they reach 21 or are out to full time work (which ever is soonest) then they just get a card. I’ve had to cut down on what I normally give my own Son too. The older ones are my brother’s and he might think I’m singling out his kids (he has been known to take this stance in the past in other circumstances) but my sisters will start reaching this point next year so it will be fair. Also, his kids were born first so got a lot more money spent on them at the start of their lives.
I would be interested in how has or would handle this without offending anyone!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 29/12/2018 12:10

I think setting an age would be better than the full time work idea. No one is treated unfairly that way. As long as you keep sending cards and you're open about all this I don't think this would be a problem.

mumeeee · 29/12/2018 12:16

We set an age in our family. We buy presents up until 21 whether they are working or not.

BusyMum47 · 29/12/2018 12:19

Absolutely fine! The rule in our family is 18! It gets crazy otherwise & costs a fortune & it's not as if the 'kids' buy us adults a present in return is it? Our nephew reached that point this year - he earns more than I do as a part time working mum so that took away any lingering feelings of guilt I had about it!!

imstickmanyousee · 29/12/2018 12:21

YANBU, I'd just set an age limit and stick to it. One side of our family stopped at 18, the other still give gifts and I'm 30! I really hate it to be honest.

I can't afford to return the favour along with all the children in the family, haven't seen them in years and they still send gifts/cash like when we were children.

I really appreciate the thought but would much rather they didn't get anything and save their money!

KC225 · 29/12/2018 12:22

Seriously, I am surprised no one in your family has suggested you stop these gifts given your new circumstances. Early retirement due to ill health and financially secure brothers and sisters have not suggested you stop sending gifts. Shame on them.

If you think it would be awkward, then suggest an age stop but I do feel it should have come from them.

bridgetreilly · 29/12/2018 12:23

Definitely stop. I think 18 is perfectly reasonable as an upper limit.

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 12:23

I would just explain to your brother in advance. Any reasonable person would accept this with good grace.

Mayra1367 · 29/12/2018 12:28

21 is the age limit I set in our extended family . Many of them have partners and earn much more than me , so feel no guilt whatsoever. Other members of family continue to buy for them , their partners and their children but it was getting ridiculous so we stopped a couple of years ago .

CastleCrasher · 29/12/2018 12:36

The limit is 18 in our family, with a larger than usual gift given for the 18th. We said in advance that's how we'd do it, and everyone else seems to have followed suit. No issues, easier for everyone.

HerbzAndSpices · 29/12/2018 12:36

We don't buy individual gifts for our nieces and nephews. We have 22 between us and it just got too much.

Instead we give a gift the whole family can enjoy, like a game or cinema vouchers.

Just explain you can't afford it. No one should expect gifts and I would hope they would be understanding.

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 29/12/2018 12:43

I stopped once they started working. I have no children of my own and I never got anything in return even a card so I felt it had to stop. I now buy for children only.

UhUhUhDennis · 29/12/2018 12:45

I would just say it's cards only from now on for everyone. You've retired due to ill health -explain that's why you can't afford to do anything else. Anyone that has an issue with that doesn't deserve presents anyway!

AuditAngel · 29/12/2018 12:49

Christmas it is 18, birthdays are variable

MeredithGrey1 · 29/12/2018 12:58

My aunts and uncles stopped gifts for us when we started secondary school.

But if you want to still give something to the younger ones, could you combine gifts where you have nieces and nephews who are siblings? For example a 10 and a 12 year old could be sent a game/dvd/cinema tickets as a joint present and might be cheaper than sending them both separate money/vouchers.

twoshedsjackson · 29/12/2018 13:08

I made it clear when I acquired godchildren that 21 was the "cut-off point". I know they're adults at 18 now, but they can still be skint students, or not earning much if working, so I stick to the "old-fashioned" age of majority.
I partly did this because of my own mild embarrassment at receiving a cheque every birthday and Christmas from my godfather well into my forties! I wasn't worried about him not being able to afford it, but once I earning a decent salary, it felt odd. But I dutifully sent a thankyou letter, as per my upbringing, every time........
The younger ones accepted this cheerfully, after 21 it's a card and maybe a "little something", but of course the rule can be bent for significant events such as engagements, graduation, etc.
If they're pleasant young people, with empathy for your circumstances, they'd probably prefer you to look after yourself first, and if they're not, as UhUhUhDennis rightly said, why bother?

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2018 13:10

It’s 18 in our family and even then not all family do gifts at all which is fine. We have a lot of family.

Shadow1234 · 29/12/2018 13:32

Our cut off point is 21 as well (regardless of whether they work or not).

AnnabelleLecter · 29/12/2018 13:52

We stopped at 16 when all we had done was swapped money for a few years. They all ended up with part time jobs at that age anyway and we still buy token gifts such as nice chocolate or wine for 18 and over.
With great nieces we're stopping before we get to the money part so 12 probably.

LiveSleepSnore · 29/12/2018 13:57

I stopped at 18 or earlier for ones I don't see, though adding a cheque with their bithday card at 21.

(We are not retired though and cutting back!)

frankiegoestobirmingham · 29/12/2018 13:58

I still get gifts from my aunties and uncles (I'm 27) but I think it's possibly because they have children who are all aged 1-6 and I buy for them. I don't think it's necessary for them to get us anything tbh! I like buying for the kids so I do :-)

I'm due my own baby next year and I imagine what will happen is people will buy for baby and not me. We are a very close family and if they said I was too old etc I'd completely understand.

CarolinePooter · 29/12/2018 14:11

My siblings and I have all agreed to choose a charity to donate to at Christmas, rather than buy gifts within the family. This has worked well for us. Nobody feels left out, and it is nice to find a good cause.

Birdie6 · 29/12/2018 14:18

I'd stop at 18. Send an email to everyone , letting them know what you have told us - you love them but your circumstances have changed and you can't keep this up any more for young people who are adults now.

Original poster

ilikemethewayiam · 29/12/2018 15:08

Its good to get perspective! I wish i'd been upfront and said stop at 18 but a bit late now. I'll explain to the eldest that she will get a card only from now on and let the others know that same will happen when they reach 21. I'm not sure they really appreciate it anyway. I only get a thank you if I hand it to them personally but if I post it/transfer to their bank, I don't even get a text to let me know they've received it, let alone a thank you. They are lovely kids in general but this does irk me a little. I made sure I always wrote a thank you note to anyone who sent me a gift no matter how small. Its even easier now with mobile phones. I fully understood that no one owed me and didn't have to give me anything.

Anyway thanks for your thoughts and suggestions, decision made!

OP posts:

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