AIBU to keep trying to save relationship with Stepson?

[Bowrito]

My 13 year old DSS is refusing to come stay with us on his access days. I want to push for him to come with us, my DH wants to just leave him be until he’s ready.

I feel that I can’t make the decision here as it’s not my place but I’m so anxious that the relationship will fall apart.

Not to drip feed but my DSS needs a lot of attention, he has issues with jealousy of his siblings and acts up when they are getting too much attention. (Such as hospital stays or birthdays) We recently had another baby and now DSS is ignoring texts and calls. He’s met her twice and seems to adore her but he’s definitely jealous of his fathers time being taken away.

I’m worried that my DH will get sick of his behavior and stop chasing him. I’ve put years and so much effort into having a blended family that works so well - the children all love each other. If he distances himself now it would be so sad.
I seem to be the only one worried - should I just back off and leave them too it? They are both as stubborn as each other

Just try and keep the communication going, let him know he is welcome

Can you ask him to come for an afternoon out or a morning just with you and the baby for fun? He's likely to be more annoyed at his dad and is taking it out on him but will likely want to see his new sibling.

I'm not sure that pushing him is a good move - might it not have the opposite effect on him?

Make sure that he knows that you all love him and that he is welcome whenever he is ready to come. If you do family outings or get togethers, then make a point of asking him, keep it casual with no expectations. "We're doing x on Sunday, we'd love you to see you. Please let me know if you want to join us."

I think that all you can do is keep channels open and wait for him to come round.
Your DH needs to go out of his way to make sure DSS is getting the attention he needs so he can see the new baby hasn't replaced him in his Dad's affection.

Wait it out. If you force him it could damage it even more.
Take this from someone who's been there and done it and now it's all broken down and there's nothing we can do about it.
Keep your nose out of it too as you'll be the one who gets all the backlash if it kicks off. I know it's hard though.

Whilst you may think your blended family is working, your DSS obviously doesn't.

His dad should have ensured there was one to one time with him so he didn't feel pushed out by yet another new arrival. The fact he doesn't want to come says a lot.

I agree that your blended family isn’t working if DSS no longer wants to visit. Your DP should go to visit him 1-2-1 for a bit if possible.

Sounds like DSS’ parents both prioritised their new relationships over DSS’ interests.

How many DC do you have, and how many does DH’s ex have?

If your fear about your DH’s treatment of his DS comes to pass that’s down to DH and would make him a poor father.

I’d sort of do both. Leave him for a few days and then message ‘we really want to see you. We all miss you.’ Or ‘what can we do to make you feel better’. Poor thing sounds like he has low self esteem. You sound caring and loving though so he’s lucky by the sound of it!

I’d be surprised if a 13 year old adored a new born baby. If he suffers from jealousy having another baby was nt going to help. His father could ask his mother to talk to him or offer 1 2 1 time away from the baby