To be pissed off at my mother?

[allisonpeters]

And to think she’s possibly racist?
I’m 28 (female) with a son from an XBF at 17 who fucked off and wanted little to do with my child. My current partner who I’ve been together since my son was 5 (jfc we are an interracial couple) has helped to raise him, he contributes financially and emotionally, overall he’s a great parent. We have another child - a daughter together - and she’s around 7 months old. His mum is great with both children.

My mum has refused to accept our relationship and consequently has completely ignored our daughter at a family event. She never visited me in hospital when I had her, nor has she even acknowledged the birth of her first granddaughter - it’s like she doesn’t exist. Yet she visited all my sister’s children when they were born, funnily enough she visited my son when I was giving birth to him. At Christmas my 11 year old was given presents from her, so were my nephews but my 7 month old didn’t get anything from her.

I’m raging as I’m typing this.

YANBU but I doubt she will change her racist views. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be letting her have any contact with my daughter.

Have you had a discussion- adult to adult? You’re assuming it’s about race when it might be a completed different issue. How about saying you were hurt that all the grandchildren except your baby received presents. Ask if there is a problem with the baby?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's terrible behaviour.

Have you spoken to her about it? What does she say?

If it were me, I'd lay it all out. She either accepts all your family or she gets none of them (including you). You don't need that toxicity in your life.

She's never cuddled your DD, picked her up, looked at her? Nothing? Have you said anything about this to her?

I’ve noticed she’s very very very awkward with my partner, maintains conversation with him even if it’s forced friendliness but I don’t understand why she projects that onto her own granddaughter. If she can exaggerate her niceness with my partner then she can give my daughter a few kisses and a present.

My son asked his nana why his sister never got any presents, she brushed it off with a laugh and asked him if he likes his

I asked her why she doesn’t bother showing affection to her grandchild and commented how there’s no love between them, she doesn’t consider her as family. To which I told her if she doesn’t consider my daughter as family, I’m gone too. She objected to that with emotional blackmail and gaslighting

That's terrible, OP - like you, I'd be out of there - fuck that!

I think I’d be making it clear whoever lived under my roof was most definitely family. I would not be taking the children to,visit until there was greater parity and recognition of their equal status.

Not the same, but my in laws turned up for a big family Christmas without a present for our foster child. They actually said that he wasn’t really our child and shouldn’t be there at Christmas. We refused to do any present opening with them and made it clear until all children had a reasonable present, nobody was given one. They went shopping.

And to think she’s possibly racist?

Don't think there's any 'possibly' about it.

What will you do?

Wow I’m really sorry that happened to you and your child @CherryPavola, family need to accept that families come in all flavours, shapes and sizes, it’s not just limited to the nuclear family with 2.5 children. You’re much better off without such close minded people, it’s their loss after all

She's a racist, but I guess not a hypocrite unfortunately for you. Look OP she's an ignorant woman who is going to lose out on her knowing her granddaughter, but she's not going to suddenly change her views just because she has a biracial grandchild she has shown that from before she was born. Adjust contact as you see fit for the emotional well-being of your family.

I’ve spoken to my sister about this and she’s also refusing to let our mum visit her children until she’s sorted herself out and once she treats the baby properly, she can bond with her other 5 grandchildren. I’m just afraid she’ll feign love and affection towards my daughter and use her as a toy to get her other grandchildren back.

That's up to you whether or not you allow that

Well she’s going to lose all of you for her pig headed stubbornness.

I agree with you saying bye if she doesn’t acknowledge your dd

Silly blinkered woman!

She’s text my sister threatening suicide if she restricts contact with her children and my son. She doesn’t understand that family come as a whole package, if you reject one, you lose all of them. I’m actually contemplating whether or not to confront her direct or send her friend around

You have to put a stop to this before your DD is old enough to notice. Your son already has and that's terrible.
If she can be this cold to a baby then there's no chance of her changing and your best bet is to not see her.
I couldn't allow someone to treat my child or my partner this way.

She's text my sister threatening suicide if she restricts contact with her children and my son

I might be wrong here but I'm pretty sure this counts as emotional abuse. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's horrendous. I'd be going NC, you've made it perfectly clear why, her behaviour is appalling.

Yeah you’re all right ladies, I wish I didn’t have to go no contact but if it forces her to reflect on her misbehaviours and what she can do to get her family back (if she values us), then it’s the best for her and for the rest of us. I’m still pissed off at how she’s making this all about her and how she’d booked a family holiday on my daughter’s birthday. Looks like she’ll be going on her own

Your mum is being awful. Glad your sister can see it too.
The suicide threat is extremely manipulative. Why would she say that rather than apologise and make a mense? You are better off without her.

I’ve gone no contact with my mother, thanks for the encouragement