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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sons he’s grounded

58 replies

Juststopit · 29/12/2018 01:34

15 year old Son has repeatedly been told to turn off his xbox but I woke up at 12.45am to find him still on it! This has been happening every night despite repeated warnings. AIBU to ground him tomorrow when he’s supposed to be going out with his dad to a football match? For context exdh is a pretty usless dad, doesn’t co parent just does fun stuff , never had him to stay etc etc. If I am am bu what else could I do? He’s also not done his revision. I will be removing the Xbox/ internet from a more respectable time from now on.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 29/12/2018 02:29

I more meant it’s not fair on the ex. He’s bought the tickets and made plans for the day. It’s not fair for the OP to cancel his contact arrangement because of this.

PawsPurrsAndWhiskers · 29/12/2018 02:33

He should listen to you if you have asked him to turn it off so I think it's reasonable to remove it for a while.

Going forward though, try to get him to agree to some rules so that it doesn't just happen again and again as its just miserable for everyone.

What time does he have to be off it by? Do you let him on later in school holidays?

Our rules are, that he has to take regular breaks from it and that any homework/revision has to be done as part of his day as well. On school nights he has to be turn it off around 9ish so he has some time to relax properly before sleep but in the holidays we let him stay on later, at least til 11 and occasionally til 1/2am if his friends are. It seems to work well for us as he rarely moans about coming off it as I think he sees we are as lenient as we can be so he doesn't really push it.

As annoying as it is that his dad doesn't parent him, there's nothing you can do. Be fair but consistent when he's with you is all you can do.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 29/12/2018 02:45

I’m sorry, but whilst I can see the points about contact with dad being important, OP is the one doing the parenting and ex doesn’t support her but just does the fun bits.

I have this situation and I fully empathise. If he was co-parenting properly he would be saying ‘sorry son you’ve acted up and you don’t get rewarded for that behaviour’. He can still take him somewhere but not for the special treat that is football match. OP has said he doesn’t take them overnight, just turns up with nice things.

It’s horrible being the bad guy but being the ‘bad guy’ and teaching kids that they have to have respect for you and to understand that actions have consequences.

kateandme · 29/12/2018 03:10

i think youll still let him go with his dadi don't know when the last time on one of these threads someone actually went through with it!.but he shouldn't. If this was a match and his dad was with you at home he wouldn't be going.playing the split parents cards shoudnt stop punishment.but id make it a few days grounding so to a teenager it doesnt seem(he cant throw it back at you) like you playing the no seeing ex hand and it will roll over into your home too.
def take xbox then put more rules onti it.
you need to see some revision before he ges it back properly too.
is there anything you can do to help with revision.study time.revision is shit at that age.to often we just get angry with them.might help to no your understand its rough.

kateandme · 29/12/2018 03:12

ps you need to get his dad to take his finger out.he should be coming tomorrow saying we aren't going.

MidniteScribbler · 29/12/2018 05:02

But if the father does zero parenting someone has to right?

Him being a shit father still doesn't change the fact that you have no right to dictate what happens during his contact time. You need to put aside your issues with your ex, because I think that, whether you realise it or not, you are wanting to punish your ex by not letting him go to the football match as well. You are trying to put him in a position of saying 'well I've already bought tickets, so we're going anyway', or saying 'well I've already bought a ticket and I'm going, so I won't be having DS tomorrow', so that you can then point out to everyone how shit your ex is, yet again, because he is in a no win situation by you trying to dictate how DS should spend his time with him.

Calzone · 29/12/2018 05:06

But it’s the holidays.

It wouldn’t bother me too much as long as he wasn’t grumpy the next day.
As soon as he goes back to school, put a timer on it and get to bed at a proper time.

Doobee · 29/12/2018 05:14

I’m normally totally on board with consequences but in this case it’s not reasonable. You can’t decide on a punishment that involves another adult unless you’ve specifically discussed it and agreed with that other adult beforehand. Did you contact your ex to say you were planning to do this before issuing the threat? If not, then you had no right to use his access/contact day as a consequence. That’s not fair. I totally agree thereneeds to be a consequence but not this one. Your ex would have spent time and money (football tickets aren’t cheap) so you’re punishing the ex too and that’s not right or fair. Take the Xbox away for a week and tighten up your WiFi control. I’ve got friends with kids this age and they all take the mickey. Confiscation and internet timing shutdown is the norm. Not riding roughshod over the other parents contact day.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2018 06:21

Let him off to the match as at least its outdoors, isn't zombie stuff like playing a game for hours, gets you at break from monitoring said games and helps to build some relationship with his dad.
Also it doesn't involve dad in the follow up as you are unlikely to get much support there thus adding to your own stress.
Sharp, quick punishments work best.
As punishment go for no games for a few days as he has used up his quota or you taking connection every night at say 9 as you can't trust him.
But have to add that at that age playing late isn't unusual during the holidays so don't panic that he is a disaster or anything like that.

NotANotMan · 29/12/2018 06:26

Cancelling his contact with his father isn't ok and is a shit consequences to the Xbox issue.
If the kid has done this before and you haven't taken immediate action that's on you. The first time they go on a device after lights out is the time you should remove that device and devise stricter controls such as removing the controls at bedtime or turning off the WiFi
Letting it happen several times then going nuclear and cancelling his contact with his dad isn't fair.

saoirse31 · 29/12/2018 06:36

Totally unreasonable punishment is cancelling contact. Given its school holidays I'm not convinced he's committed such a big crime in any case tbh.

brizzledrizzle · 29/12/2018 06:40

Don't cancel the contact, that's unfair all round.
Take the Xbox away if you need to do something, look at parental controls for term time.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 29/12/2018 06:45

Also agree cancelling contact time is not an appropriate punishemnt. Removing the Xbox for a period of time should suffice, as others have pointed out, you have failed to take action until this point so it isn’t fair to go from 0 to 100, you have to take some responsibility for failing to properly deal with it thus far. You can warn him on returning the x box that further breaches will result in confiscation and grounding if you want to. Then he is suitably warned.

Jazzhan · 29/12/2018 06:57

They're addictive things, so you need to have clear unequivocal boundaries and time limits in place. Also be clear on the repercussions. I'd let him go to the match though.
You seem more concerned about teaching the Dad a lesson than teaching your son a lesson.

Jazzhan · 29/12/2018 06:58

dinosaurglitterreplublic. EXACTLy what she said!!!!

Di11y · 29/12/2018 07:07

if you want to ground him, that should be on a day that is yours not on your exH day.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 29/12/2018 07:16

You've taken away the xbox. Changed the wifi code. Thats all appropriate. Stopping contact is you being angry at Disney dad aswell. Your son needs to be kept seperate from that issue.

Nanna50 · 29/12/2018 07:20

Remove the XBox, the lead, the internet password whatever and he can do his revision instead. Yes he will get it back but he will learn that you will follow through your threat and maybe think twice next time.

Don't stop him going to the football match especially if it means he stays home instead moaning and pleading for the xbox back and telling you what a bad person you are Grin

I don't think contact with a parent is something that should be used as a punishment though.

mumof2sarah · 29/12/2018 07:31

Please don't remove that visit with his dad (useless or not) it's not fair! Yes by all means take away the console/turn the WiFi off etc etc and set proper boundaries where he can see need to be followed!

Original poster
Juststopit · 29/12/2018 08:59

Thank you everyone. My 1am rage has subsided and I’ve removed the Xbox. He can go with the twat of a father to his match but I will be expecting him to have a word too. Single parenting sucks when you’re faced with an ex who is unsupportive and unhelpful. DS has GCSEs this year so I am being firmer. He has had some v late sessions on it with his mates but he need to get more into back to school mode now.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 29/12/2018 09:00

Single parenting sucks when you’re faced with an ex who is unsupportive and unhelpful

Yes!!

susiegrapevine · 29/12/2018 09:14

Good luck OP. Well done for taking the xbox.

MsPavlichenko · 29/12/2018 09:27

Worth bearing in mind that XP would almost certainly be as shit a parent even if you were together. And ime that would actually make it more difficult for you to parent. In this situation, you can effectively deal with it yourself without him undermining you in the home.

WeAreSailing · 29/12/2018 09:27

Well done OP.

Just wondering how easy it is to programme system time limits on an XBox (as opposed to taking controller etc away). Anyone done it?

BarbedBloom · 29/12/2018 09:52

I wouldn’t see this as a huge deal in the school holidays either really tbh, but fine to impose limits and take away for a while. I don’t think cancelling contact or dictating what happens in ex’s time is appropriate though.

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