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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

7 year old up to 4am

21 replies

NormalBloke · 28/12/2018 20:45

I have had a long running issue with my ex wife and bedtimes. I have 2 boys with her 7you and 11 yo.

During the school week my 11yo says Mum goes to bead at 10pm and then our 2 boys stay up on r bedrooms on respective I pads or console and put themselves to bed.

When they have stayed up into the early hours during school she has just rang up the school and told them they are sick.

Its now Xmas and my access started today. At handover at 1pm both boys looked tired out as is the norm. Lethargic is putting it mildly.

My 11yo said this week they have both been staying up till 4am unsupervised. I have told him for a long time please can you try and put yourself to bed at a decent time as Mum just wont do it. I hate having to ask him to do this as its just not his fault.

It breaks my heart to constantly see my boys exhausted. today 7yo turned up teary and was punching his older brother and very irritable.

Teacher told me 7yo nearly feel asleep in class week.

Im thinking of showing this thread to my 11yo (is that wrong?) as I would like people views on what should be a "normal routine for 2 young boys. He says he knows its wrong to stay up but cant help himself as hes so absorbed in Fortnite or whatever else he is playing which I accept. He tells me his 7 yo brother just sits and wees himself because he is on his game or youtube for hours on end. This just does not happen on my watch at all.

Good or bad I would welcome your thoughts and advice

OP posts:

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 20:50

I’d be applying for a court order and not let it happen full stop not just ‘on your watch!’ It is neglect and will have massive consequences on their health and schooling and essentially their future.

TwoGinScentedTears · 28/12/2018 20:52

Poor boys. Have you considered trying to get more custody?

lifecouldbeadream · 28/12/2018 20:53

What @Milk said. What you are describing from Mum is inadequate at best, and neglectful if I’m honest.

KateGrey · 28/12/2018 20:53

How is your relationship with your ex? Could you approach it as a joint issue working on bedtimes to save any confrontation? As much as possible I would have boundaries and limits when they’re at yours. Possibly more custody but how are things outside of the bed time issue?

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 20:58

@kategrey if she’s happy to let her 7yo piss himself til 4am and fall asleep at school cuz she can’t be arsed to put her kids to bed then I don’t think it matters if she’s fucking supernanny during the day!

wildbhoysmama · 28/12/2018 20:59

This is just awful, your poor boys. Have you tried to discuss this with her reasonably, asking if there are behaviour issues. I'm sure there's more than one side to this story.

I have boys 14, 12 and almost 7. Youngest in bed by 8 having stories read, lights off at 830 very latest. 12 year old goes to bed at 9, lights off by 930. Eldest goes at 930, lights off at 10.
They are also off all electronics by a good 30-60 minutes before reading time, so at least 60-90 mins before lights out.
We have no electronics/ tv in bedrooms. They have fitbits with an alarm on them (older ones).

When small guy goes to bed we try to watch a documentary together or play a board game/ cards about 3 nights a week ( at their dad's/ clubs the other nights).

Weekends/ holidays routine is same for youngest and up to an hour later for the older ones. The only exception to this is a party ( like we were at last night)/special occasion.
They are very active and are tired by bedtime and school.days they are up by 7/730. It means they all get between 9-11 hours sleep which they need. It's not easy, but once you establish s routine it becomes easy. Work with their mum, not against her. Can you be there for some of the bedtimes to start with if your relationship is decent?

wildbhoysmama · 28/12/2018 21:03

As an aside, I do think it's neglect but if you try to work with her first it might save some drama before court orders/ social work.

NewPapaGuinea · 28/12/2018 21:09

I’d definitely be putting software limits on times/usage of the tablets. If they’re ipads ios12 has this built in.

HavelockVetinari · 28/12/2018 21:09

That is severe neglect - please apply for custody, your DC need you.

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 21:11

If this were the NRP no one would be saying to try and talk again, OP has said it’s a long standing issue, they’d be saying to stop contact!!

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 21:17

I agree with PP this isn't different parenting styles it's neglectful and will affect their physical health and education. I would record it and try to gain custody using this as evidence.

Bumbalaya · 28/12/2018 21:36

This will be of great interest to social services as it is actively neglecting the children physically It impedes brain development at a time when it is crucial and also affects social skills and emotional regulation negatively.
Look on the NHS website, they have sleep recommendations for each age and your kids aren't getting anywhere near enough sleep.

youaremyrain · 28/12/2018 21:58

How is she generally? Is she struggling to parent them overall or just to enforce screen time and bedtime with them? Im a single parent and it can be a battle (and doing it for 26/28 nights is very different to doing it for 2/28 nights)

Does she know that there's apps you can use to schedule Wi-fi for different devices? Would she use this technology?

Cauliflowersqueeze · 28/12/2018 22:05

I would contact the school’s safeguarding officer and explain what is going on, because this is horribly neglectful.

Don’t show your 11 year old this thread. It’s not his fault - he cannot be held responsible for the (literally) piss poor parenting going on.

youarenotkiddingme · 28/12/2018 22:18

If she's going to bed at 10 (normal!) she should have put boys to bed way before this.

I'm wondering why she doesn't? Do they argue with her? Refuse to get off the computers/tech?

Something odd is going on and it's not acceptable.

You do need to step up and step in for the sake of your children.

I think as PP said I'd approach the school first and just ask for their attendance information. Then speak to safeguard lead and ask to work with them to improve things. You may well need to apply for custody for their own sake.

BeanTownNancy · 29/12/2018 01:44

When I was a kid (in fact, up to my 20's), I used to pretend I had gone to bed to my parents and then stay up all night after I heard them go to bed. Sometimes I didn't sleep at all, because I had childhood bipolar disorder. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with your kids, but there's a chance your ex doesn't know that they are going to be staying up all night and doesn't know how to deal with it. My dad used to shout at me a lot, but ultimately it never stopped me from skipping sleep some nights if I didn't want to.

I would try and speak to her reasonably about it. Maybe your kids are more honest with you than her? If she's not interested in listening to reason then I would move on to involving the schools, etc. But maybe she just needs support?

Lovingbenidorm · 29/12/2018 01:51

If she’s not ensuring the children go to bed at a reasonable time what else is she not doing?
I find it hard to believe that a mother who goes to bed at 10pm leaving an 11yo and a 7yo to basically go feral in the house is actually looking after them at all.
This is appalling.
You need to step in big time.

notangelinajolie · 29/12/2018 01:56

Does she even
know they are awake at this time of the night? Thing is when I was that age I would read by torchlight under the covers till all times of the night without my parents knowledge. Have you asked her?

posthistoricmonsters · 29/12/2018 02:57

Something doesn't sound right. It sounds like she could be utterly exhausted and going to sleep deeply, the boys perhaps are getting back up and playing.

My two have played all kinds of sillybuggers over the years, specially where gaming or tablets are involved.

I have restrictions on their tablets etc, so that at certain times their devices enter lockdown.

It's become more common for kids to develop gaming addiction which is now recognised as a mental health condition. One of the characteristics is kids wetting themselves rather than stop the game for long enough to get to the bathroom and back.

You need a solid talk with your ex and I would probably suggest looking at someone like Team Around the Family to come in and work with the family to try and fix whatever is at the root of this.

CheshireChat · 29/12/2018 04:02

9 for my 4yo, but he'll probably go to bed a bit earlier when he's in school.

I remember your previous thread and you've said you're taking this to court so won't really get into that, but would it help getting the boys a phone so you could call them and remind them it's bedtime?

InionEile · 29/12/2018 04:10

My 7 year old boy is in bed by 8 every night and usually asleep by 8:30-9. He is a mess the next day otherwise. And he almost never gets screen time right before bed. It’s known that screen time disrupts sleep.

Poor kids! I feel sorry for them. The 11 year old should be learning how to manage screen time better or he will never cope with school work when it stars to matter in a couple of years. Your ex sounds like she needs a serious talking-to. Why does she not see that this is very unhealthy for her kids? Is she taking some sleep medication or something?

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