DB behaviour is unacceptable I think

[ThisIsNotARealAvo]

DB split up from SIL about a year ago, there was an OW who he now has a baby with. SIL stayed in the family home with DN aged 6 and DB moved 100 miles away to live with OW.

At the time I felt that this was pretty shit behaviour but stayed out of it as it's not my business really. Tried to be there for SIL and have helped her as much as possible with DN and so have my parents.

When I found out OW was pregnant I was not that surprised but said to my mum and dad that I thought OW was pretty stupid to have a baby with someone who has only just spilt with their wife. Both parents were very defensive and said that OW was really nice and nothing happened with her until DB had left SIL, which everyone else knows is not true, DB admitted as much to SIL plus she found messages.

My mum is still very much saying that DB has done wrong but everything is fine now. She also helps him a lot by taking DN to see him when he says it's too far (he chose to move there). He now only sees DN about once a month, less than before the baby was born. Mum defends this saying he is tired from having a newborn.

A few months ago he sent me a really nasty message saying that I had told everyone that OW was pregnant. I hadn't, what had actually happened was that as I found out when she was 7 months along I assumed I was the last to know and mentioned it to a couple of family members. DB was really angry and said that he never wants to speak to me again. I'm hurt by this but knowing him not that surprised as he has done this before and gone NC with parents and me before. He's been quite rude and hurtful to me off and on since we were adults (we are 37 and 39). DM in particular acts as though we are as bad as each other but I don't think we are. I did not respond to the message.

AIBU to feel that my parents should not be bending over backwards to go and visit DB and help him and see the baby when he is being so vile to me? I want them to say "look DB you need to stop being a twat to your sister and sort it out. It's no one's fault but yours that people think you treated SIL badly, or that you now live 100 miles away from your child and don't see her because the baby is keeping you awake. it's no reason to take it out on Avo". But they never will and say they will always support him because he is still their child.

I know DB suffers from depression but will not see a doctor about it. I also think he is treating DN really unfairly as she misses her dad. Again DM thinks that DN and DB have a great relationship and it doesn't matter. They may do now but it won't last if he doesn't see her very often.

I can't imagine letting my DS be horrible to my DD and not telling him he is out of order. AIBU?

Yes his behaviour is absolutely unreasonable. Your parents are no doubt fully aware what a complete tosser he is and can see the hurt he is doing but don't want to lose contact with him or his new child. You shouldn't ask them to side with you, however, ywnbu to not bother with him anymore unless he apologises and definitely continue to support your former SIL and DN.

Unfortunately dgc are carrots to your ass dps and that's all they likely are seeing here.

I've got a vaguely comparable situation in my own family.
thinking it over I have decided that the family member who keeps making excuses for the person who has behaved badly is in denial.
When it comes down to it, your parents know you are reliable, they know you are a decent person, - you have remained friends and are kind to your SIL and DN. They also know deep down that your DB will always be selfish and will never hesitate to put his own needs and wants above those who love him. He has proved that he will ditch his family to be with another woman, he has shown he doesn't care if he hurts his family members - he has left his wife and DD and he has moved away and is making excuses not to see his DD.

Essentially your parents want to keep him on side because they know he would ditch them in an instant if it suited him.

I wouldn't hold out hope for your parents calling him out on his behaviour, you can't stop them visiting or whatever they want to do, but you can make your position clear to them and say that you find his behaviour unacceptable and that you really don't want to hear that he's not too bad really or whatever line they come up with.

They do know he’s a twat but he’s their son and it is probably quite hard to admit out loud what a fuck yo he’s made of things because they think it will reflect badly on them.

I agree with you, but I suspect you’ll be waiting a long time for your parents to behave properly.

So many parents excuse and enable the shitty behaviour of their children, particularly their sons.

My grandmother and aunts do it with their children.

I have two sons and I won’t. I refuse to assist them in being morally bankrupt. Your parents are in denial and I suspect have been enabling him for a long time which is why he feels he can behave this way.

DB sounds nasty and very imature and it would be sensible for you to go low contact/no contact with him. But it’s not your parents responsibility to ‘sort out’ your DB or his relationship with you.

You have your relationship with your brother; your parents have theirs. It's not their job to be your go-between. If you don't want yo see him or maintain contact, don't. Your parents are perfectly within their rights to facilitate contact between their son and your DN if they wish.

I'm not seeing how your parent's behaviour affects you. Obviously you judge them harshly for not denouncing your brother. You want to know which of us would also hoik up our judgy pants. OK. For the record, I would also have a bit of an eyeroll at them. But why are you inserting yourself into this? Why on earth is this worth a thread on MN? Some people have an arrangement that you disapprove of that does not affect you. So why are you not just standing on the sidelines eyerolling too?

Its keeping up appearances isn't it. They choose to believe nothing happened until after he left. They choose to think he is as devoted to his first daughter even though he left her to move 100 miles away and see her once a month. They choose to blame both of you (as dealing with small children) rather than risk alienating him. If they act like its alright, maybe it will be alright. On the plus side, they at least are trying to keep the relationship going with his daughter.

My children are only 11 but who wants to admit they have sired a feckless selfish arse. You have go to feel for them, even though it must be very frustrating. My only advice is don't give him headspace, rant on here, do the good thing and continue to support your SIL and your small niece.

Cognitive dissonance, isn't it? They can't possibly believe their son cheated on his wife, abandoned his daughter and is being a shit to his sister - because that would make him a bad person and them bad parents. So there's nothing to see here everything is fine.

Similar situation in my family - my brother is also an obnoxious. In my case, he has remained an obnoxious idiot for almost 15 years. We have essential war communications only. Parents know this, and know why but want to move on and play happy families as much as possible.

WhoGivesADamn is right on the money!

"I can't imagine letting my DS be horrible to my DD and not telling him he is out of order. AIBU?"

Yes. For your own sanity, once your children are Adults, you have to leave them to conduct their relationships how they choose.

Otherwise you cause yourself a load of heartache and stress.

It's wrong, what he has done, but it isn't e ough for your Parents to go NC/LC over.

They are trying to keep the relationship going between everyone and that means running arpu d like blue arse flies, ignoring as much of the shite, as possible.

I speak as the Mother of three Adult DDs.

Do we have to 'Mother' u til the day we die? Or do we get to get a break and just do our best, whilst protecting ourselves?

Also, you just get to an age we're you can't be bothered with other people's shit, even your children's, especially when they are causing it themselves, but don't listen, anyway.

YANBU that his behaviour is awful
YABU to expect your parents to 'take sides' or in any way interfere between you and your brother.
YABU to expect your parents to do anything other than their utmost to keep / build a relationship with all their grandchildren and to remain in touch with their ds.

I don't have a problem with them visiting as such and I get why they want to maintain a relationship with him. I just can't believe they wouldn't challenge him on some of the behaviour towards me.

I suppose IABU to expect them to do this though.