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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

9 year old Dd has been befriended by a 16 year old girl

22 replies

pud1 · 28/12/2018 18:44

I am at odds as to how I feel. My daughter is 9 years old. Her older sister is a year older than her. When my eldest dd started primary school they had a buddy system in which a year six looked after the reception kids. My eldest DD had a lovely buddy who she loved. This girl has always kept in touch with the primary school which my 2 dds are still at. She comes in on the days she is off high school and came back to the school for work experience. I know that she doesn’t have a great home life and is extremely young for her age. I think there may be some SEN but am not sure.
My youngest DD has struck up a friend ship with this girl and they do chat on Roblox. DD2 has been asking on lots of occasions for this friend to come over and I have agreed once or twice. She has come over today and they are playing together. This girl is nearly 17 and at college. My dd2 is pestering for her to stay the night. I have said no. It seams that her mum and dad expected her to stay the night. She has said that her dad said that she needs to call to let them know if she is staying out. AIBU to not really want my dad ‘playing’ with some one so much older than her. I don’t have anything to base this on but it just doesn’t feel right. Just want to get some thoughts on this

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 28/12/2018 18:45

I would also feel uneasy. It's a vast age gap at these ages. Seeing each other at school is one thing but I wouldn't do sleepovers if it was me.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 28/12/2018 18:50

Most grooming is “peer to peer”, so you are right to be wary. Get advice from your GP or a social worker.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2018 18:51

I would feel very uneasy about this. It's simply not normal for a nearly 17 year old wanting to be friends with a 9 year old child. I would put an end to this.

pud1 · 28/12/2018 19:08

I have been keeping a very close eye on them and as I say she is extremely young for her age. It seams innocent play that they are doing. I have said that she is ok to come over every now and then for a few hours but no more than that. I am also watching any convos they have online. I don’t know anything about peer to peer grooming. Can you explain this a bit more

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BlueNeighbourhood · 28/12/2018 19:11

Surely it’s a huge jump to accuse the poor girl of grooming? Mumsnet is classic for going in off the deep end.

It’s quite evident she has a very young mental age and maybe struggles to make friends of her own age. I think the things you are doing are perfect, allowing visits for a few hours and watching their chats online. It feels like this girl just wants a friend and the only way she can is one much younger.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 28/12/2018 19:14

From what you have said, if you suspect SEN I think it’s likely this is very innocent - if unusual. I would keep monitoring.

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 28/12/2018 19:14

My 9 year old DD has ‘friends’ who are 14/15/16 due to the sport she does- however friends is a bit of a loose term- they chat over messenger sometimes and get on brilliantly when they see each other (at the sport) but she would never have them round for a play date! It may be entirely innocent and it’s sad so many have immediately jumped to conclusions, but I would definitely keep a very close eye.

pud1 · 28/12/2018 19:15

Blueneighbouhood that is my exact gut feeling. The head at school knows a lot about her and her family. I know that she has a soft spot for her. I am going to ask her advise when school repoens

OP posts:
MumW · 28/12/2018 19:17

Why don't you talk to the school and seek their advice? If the girl is still volunteering with the school when she turns 18 then the school may have some safeguarding issue.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 28/12/2018 19:22

paceuk.info/about-cse/the-grooming-process-in-the-spotlight/

brighteyeowl17 · 29/12/2018 16:03

If the girl has special needs then she may relate better to your daughter and it’s probably nothing odd. Discuss with the school when it opens.

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 29/12/2018 16:07

Whether it's true or Mumsnet hysteria, there are signs of grooming here and the OP should proceed with caution.

The fact is, grooming happens and we need to be aware of it.
Should we just ignore all signs of grooming just in case we are wrong or we are accused of hysteria by MN posters?

OP it's unusual and probably innocent but you're right to be cautious here.

TinkerSpy · 29/12/2018 16:14

I don't think it's over-cautious to consider grooming.

I think the situation is only acceptable if the older girl has autism/aspergers, can you talk to her parents?

My (wonderful) cousin has aspergers, she's 24 but mentally is around 12, still loves pink, unicorns, colouring in etc and she gets on really well with children. Adults are harder work for her and she finds adult conversation confusing and frustrating!

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/12/2018 16:24

Yep caution definitely, but if autistic she is probably operating at 2/3 chronological age, ie somewhere around 10 emotionally but will also have some feelings of A 16 yr old. Supervision is required.

smackbangwhollop · 29/12/2018 18:15

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all. I don't like Roblox as they can chat online with anyone. There were many warnings in the press about bullying and potential grooming on this game/app so it's banned in our house as is Fortnight.

ittakes2 · 29/12/2018 18:27

Yes definately get advice - it’s not just about this girl it’s about your daughter thinking she can be genuine friends with an adult. This girl might be completely innocent - but at 9 your daughter is too young to realise that unfortunately not all adults are ok to make friends with.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/12/2018 18:30

I wouldn't like this. She may have a younger mental age or SEN and struggle to make friends her own age, but it's not up to your daughter to provide friendship. I think it's unhealthy for your daughter and I would stop inviting her round.

PinkFlamingo888 · 29/12/2018 18:34

When I first saw the thread I thought grooming but in all honesty if she volunteers at the school and you believe she has SEN I think she does just genuinely want to be friends. If she is at the school in a ‘staff’ role though this is still inappropriate and I would raise it with the school. Even if it is innocent it probably isn’t allowed.

PinkFlamingo888 · 29/12/2018 18:40

I closed this thread and then had another thought. Although I don’t believe your daughter is being groomed, especially since she hasn’t known this girl since the 16 year old was a similar age, it does seem that the 16 year old is the sort to make friends with anyone and her parents don’t seem too concerned. If she is particularly vulnerable this would make her a target for grooming herself so do watch out that your daughter isn’t led into anything similar.

minisoksmakehardwork · 29/12/2018 18:43

It's not over cautious and we have a similar situation. Dd1 (10) has been befriended by a 16 year old who lives near pil. They've had a casual acquaintance for a few years as mentally the young woman appeared much closer in age to dd1 than her own age. But recently the actual age difference has got more noticeable and with the passing of another neighbour, the woman has been knocking at my pil a lot more for my own dd1.

At one point I contacted the school the woman was attending (special school) because the constant knocking was beginning to upset pil as she wouldn't take no for an answer. Sadly the parents either didn't care or didn't understand that the daily/twice/thrice daily visits were not acceptable - she would knock not long shyer breakfast, again around lunch and even in the evening at times to ask for dd1.

It stopped for a while but recently it has started up again as the woman has found out dd1 has a phone. Despite being told she won't be given dd1's number, she persists in asking.

In your shoes, I would see about blocking her on roblox if that's possible (mine don't play). Your dd doesn't have to know that's what you've done.

When she knocks for your dd, it's ok to say now isn't a good time, you're busy, have plans. You don't know what time you will be done. Today isn't convenient.

At 17 it could well be that Sen or not, her parents believe she is out and about with her own peers and expect that she might be stopping with them.

Personally I would also speak with the safeguarding lead at your dc's school. Not because I think there is necessarily any issue which might cause harm. But because they will be best positioned to offer you and the young woman advice on the expectation of appropriate behaviour.

dancinfeet · 29/12/2018 18:48

My eldest DD had a friend of a similar age when she was about 9, but it was someone we knew well as she was a senior student at our dance school and she looked on DD as her 'little sister' and took her out shopping/for a burger a few times. DD looked up to her but it wasn't an equal peer friendship and eventually ran its course in time. However, this girl also had plenty of friends and a boyfriend of her own age, and would never have dreamed of asking to sleep over or anything like that.

pud1 · 29/12/2018 22:39

PinkFlamingo888. That is a very good point. We do actually live in an area not a million miles from Rochdale and I know similar incedents have been reported.
My dd does not go out without us so I am not too concerned about her being groomed but this girl is certainly left to her own devices. I will be speaking to school. I will be limiting contact and keeping a close eye on the situation. The more I think about it the more I worry for the girls welfare. Her parents seam to be happy if she is out of their hair

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