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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me about your good relationship with your ex?

28 replies

2019already · 28/12/2018 17:39

Can you get divorced, share children and remain friends? I’m determined to achieve this and prepared to make huge compromises to maintain our friendship. Can you tell me what you’ve done to maintain a good relationship with your ex.

OP posts:
FBEH · 28/12/2018 17:41

Well he’ll never be my friend since he cheated and was aggressive but we work things out in a friendly manner. I get gifts and things from the kids for him and we share a pleasant happy Christmas card and hug.

Sometimes we even do joint dinners as it’s inportant for the kids to know we get on. So getting on and amicable yes. But wouldn’t go as far as friend

FBEH · 28/12/2018 17:43

Oh and it was at least a year answering all provocation with polite smiles and giving what I felt I could do he knew I was putting kids first. E.g not being difficult about changing weekends and offers of tea etc when he does pick up. I actually like his new wife :)

Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 17:45

F, it sounds like you’ve done a great job to achieve that based on how difficult the split must have been! Did he marry the person he cheated with?

So nothing like that with us, we’ve just fallen out of love. We think we’re better to walk away now before we start arguing or one of us looks elsewhere for our happiness Sad

OP posts:
FBEH · 28/12/2018 17:47

Yeah he did marry her but we were in a bad place and she’s nice so I can see how it happened.

Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 17:49

Gosh, you’re inspirational! Flowers

OP posts:
Musicalmistress · 28/12/2018 17:51

It’s not easy but do my best to communicate with him about DD, share things in advance & often bite my tongue. At the end of the day we both want what’s best for DD so sometimes that means compromising- never easy but often necessary.

HouseOfGoldandBones · 28/12/2018 17:52

I'm friends with my ex.

We co-parent really well.

He joined me, DH, DS & my family for Christmas & will be with us at New Year.

But, I think it helps that no-one cheated, we just fell out of love.

Also, that he's a very good Dad.

But, I am very aware that I pick my battles.

Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 17:55

Thanks for sharing, this is giving me so much hope. I like him so much, he’s a great dad, I don’t want to lose him completely. I’ll be committed to being kind and considerate towards any new partners he has. I don’t need financial support, so I’m hoping we can majnoa nice relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 17:55

*maintain.

OP posts:
nuttyknitter · 28/12/2018 17:59

Not me, but my DB and ex SIL are genuinely very good friends. They've been divorced for 30+ years now, and it was difficult for the first few years, but they both genuinely wanted what was best for their DC and worked hard to achieve it. My DB made it clear that he wanted our family to stay in touch with, and support, my SIL and we are still close. They spent Christmases together for years, both with new partners, and were guests at each other's second weddings. My SIL even invited my DM (her ex MIL) when she remarried. I think it's only possible though if both parties really want it to work. I hope you succeed OP.

Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 18:01

Nutty, I would love that kind of scenario. I have adored my MIL for 20 years, I hate the thought of losing her.

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 28/12/2018 18:04

There was no one else for us, we had just grown apart and didn't like each other very much.

We vowed to keep it civil, which is was, and even though he could drive me insane if I'm in his company for too long/ or he's just being pedantic and We have very different ideas on how to parent our boys, it helps enormously that he's essentially a good person.

He's proved himself for 10 years he's a good dad and my OH and he get on incredibly well ( they're both good cooks and bring each other portions to try!/ help.each other with cars/ DIY/ gardening). My DS 3 , who is almost 7, calls him 'Daddy ( insert name) which is very sweet.

I'll always answer the phone at 3am to him ( if he called, which thank god he hasn't needed to) and would do whatever I can do Make sure he's ok as he's my boys' dad, and I reckon he'd do the same. He Still drives me insane at times but I close my eyes and breathe!
It can be done but it very much depends on the individuals involved. Good luck as it's the very best thing for the children.

Iamclearlyamug · 28/12/2018 18:10

I'm friends with my ex-husband and we parent our daughter as best we can. We do each other favours, swap days etc if needed. We even go out for dinner to catch up every once in a while. He still does my head in at times, as I'm sure I still infuriate him. We split as he had an affair with a much younger colleague and left me for her. Ironically they lasted less than a year, and he's now long term single and I'm totally loved up. It helps if you can separate the goal (staying friends) with the reason you split

confusedandemployed · 28/12/2018 18:14

On the whole XDH and I co-parent well.
However we split due to him not getting help for his MH problems until it was too late: I'd lost all respect for him as he wouldn't look after himself.
His MH is still up and down and he has a tendency to take things out on me, so we're not without our spats, but on the whole we're still friends. In many ways I'm more of a support for him now than I was when we were together.

TwiceMagic · 28/12/2018 18:17

18 years ago DS1’s dad and I decided we’d be best as friends who coparent rather than attempt to continue the relationship. It’s worked well. We havd both been flexible about DS and have always gotten on. We do birthday celebrations together etc. He’s had a (lovely) new partner for about 5 years now and I keep trying to persuade him to marry her (she’s younger and wants kids with him).

OTOH, DS2’s dad who I met when DS1 was 7 and was with for a decade, is impossible. I’ll never be able to be friends with him because he’s awful (and abusive in several ways). I settle for very formal arrangements and cordial handovers.

Flowerpot2005 · 28/12/2018 18:22

I have a very good relationship with my cheating ex. As hard as it was initially, we have a DC & that's the most important aspect.

We spend family time together, buy joint birthday & Christmas presents. together & help each other out when needed.

DC benefits massively from this & she has a great relationship with us both. Other people find it weird & often comment negatively but hey, that's their problem, not ours. Do what's right for your family OP.

RaspberryRuffless · 28/12/2018 18:23

I’m still friends with my ex. But we just grew apart. We had been together since we where young and just seemed more like friends in the end. We talk most days and still have things in common. I get on with his new partner. Christmas morning was at my house with ex, his partner and his parents. Everyone gets along. We all just want what’s best for our son.

Original poster
2019already · 28/12/2018 18:25

Thank you all. I think I’m going to share this thread with him, to think about how lovely things between us could be!

OP posts:
youaremyrain · 28/12/2018 19:48

It's down to him. I have two exes that I coparent with;

Ex1 is a selfish and controlling bully and things are very fraught between me and him (telling me two weeks before Christmas that he can't have his dc for the five days over Christmas that he told me he would back in July - because he won't be financially penalised by the CMS if he doesn't - despite me having plans etc)

Ex2 is a bit useless but basically cooperative and decent - (I spent Boxing Day with him and his extended family, he and his older DD spent the day here today seeing his DC etc)

I behave the same way with both of them

cardibach · 28/12/2018 19:51

I’ve done it. But the ex has to be on board too. It requires ruthless prioritising 9f the kids by both of you until the hurt dies down.

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 19:57

Not friends with my ex but I am friends with husbands ex. They get along ok but for the most part me and his ex arrange most things to do with dsd as we get on better we do joint birthdays Xmas and always happy to help each other. She’s even had my eldest at her house on occasion! It made a massive difference to dsd as before that her and DH were keeping things civil but not friendly and it really effected little one not seeing them be a team and just needed someone without that emotion in between and it made such a impact, she was much more excited at drop offs/pick ups no more crying and feeling like she had to pick a side as she realised that everyone was on the same page!

BitchQueen90 · 28/12/2018 20:06

Yes. I am friends with my ex husband. We separated when DS was 10 months old. DS now 5 and a half. We have been amicable from the start, there was nothing major involved, we just got married too young and realised we had made a mistake.

I am RP which exh is happy with as he has quite a full on job where he travels the country. DS stays with him as often as he can, 2 or 3 overnights a month and he loves to spend time with his dad. Exh respects that I do more than him in terms of childcare and so he pays me good maintenance direct to my bank account, never had any CMS involvement.

Exh lives with his girlfriend, they have been together almost 4 years. I don't have loads of interaction with her but she seems nice, DS never has a bad word to say about her and she never tries to overstep boundaries or get involved with the way exh and I co parent.

spanieleyes · 28/12/2018 20:33

I still maintain friendly contact with ex, even after over 20 years. He is coming for New Year with ex MIL and has always stayed with me when he visited the children when they were younger. it helps that he lives over 5000 miles away so we never argue about contact and I pretty much do whatever I want with no interference from him!

His second wife is very friendly too, we manage to meet up at special occasions without scratching each other's eyes out!

Pandaponda · 28/12/2018 20:34

I also find these posts reassuring. Very difficult split from DH earlier this year following over a year of verbal abuse and raging (by him). I am RP. Really struggling to get him to do his fair share of childcare and have had to get CMS involved re maintenance. Am hoping if it all calms down we can prioritise the kids but it feels like a way off currently. This thread gives me hope.

Queenofthestress · 28/12/2018 20:42

It's took two years to get to the point where me and ex-dp can be classed as friends and I do count him as a friend and I do care for him. As long as you can both prove to the other that DC's come first (ex-dp had to do alot to prove it, I have no shame in saying that I put him through the wringer) and seperate the anger from that then you'll get there