To not want to spend NYE with DH’s ex

[RiskOnTheMoon]

Hi everyone,
I’ve NCed because I’m a bit anxious about the reaction I’ll get with this.

For background DH is currently recovering from a severe illness. He is on the mend but things were pretty touch and go in the summer. Together we have 2 DC and he has DSD with his ex.

Christmas Day was spent with his parents, his ex and DD and our children. I had agreed to this because I thought it would be nice for DH to be with all his children after the summer.

I hated Christmas Day.

Though all the kids were treated equally and MIL made a huge effort with me o couldn’t help but feel like a spare part. On the edge with my own family. DH’s ex made an effort with my two but when I tried to interact with DSD I felt it came across fake and as if I was doing it for brownie points with DH.

Now MIL has suggested the same set up for NYE. AIBU to say no?

I feel a lot of my feelings come from my own insecurities. DH and his ex were teenage sweethearts and were on and off for a number of years. She is still very close to his friends and part of the gang.

To my eternal shame I’m also jealous of her good looks and personality. She’s one of those people who just seem to get it right whereas I’m an overweight bumbler!

YANBU

If it's causing you such worry and anxiety just say no. You compromised for Xmas if DSD wants to spend NY with you she can, this invitation doesn't automatically always need to extend to her mother.

Stop putting yourself down you sound very selfless not very many people would agree to spend Xmas with the DP's Ex.

Just say no thank you.

Don’t put yourself down so much. You sound wonderful and he chose you BUT I think you’ve done your bit now and are in your rights to bring in the new year without the ex x

Just say you don't do NYE but if he wants to go, let him.

Tbh, illness or not, there are not many people who would spend two different days over the course of a week with their partners ex.

And don't be jealous. It didn't sound like it was a relationship that really thrived once they hit adulthood. Possibly they were only together as long as they were because there was a child.

If my husband asked if he could go alone I’d say sure and the divorce will be through in the morning 😂😂😂

Nope, one of the two holiday days is enough. What does your DH think though? How did he feel it went? Would he even want this?

No, I think it was very nice of you to go along with it for Xmas day, that's more than enough!

Thanks everyone. I don’t think he really understands how insecure I am because I’m conscious of coming across petty.

I think I’ll invite DSD and PILs to ours for nibbles. PILs normally get tickets to a
Local party so I’m surprised they are free.

No it isn't unreasonable.

It was very kind of both you and the ex to agree to christmas day for the sake of your dh and children.

Start the new year as you want. As part of it though work on your own self esteem. It isn't up to him your dh or her for you to know your own self worth. Stop speaking about your self like that for a start!

Jealously is such a wasted emotion but can be such a powerful one to overcome. It takes up way to much brain space and second guessing. Stop anytime your mind starts to think of her just shut it down.

Focus on your family and relationship with your dh and look to the future now he is on the mend.

You're not being unreasonable at all! Nip this in the bud now or it will become a regular thing. You deserve time with your family. Maybe DHs ex even feels awkward too?

Do you even want your ILs there if you have only just had them there for the day?

Can't think of anything worse than spending NYE with my DH's ex.
Why is your MIL inviting her?

Politely decline. It's an awkward set up if the PIL are still close to the ex. Surely they can have their own relationship with her without you being expected to be part of it. Who is due to have access on NYE? I'd stick to the access arrangements.

That's assuming DSD is young enough to still have an access arrangement in place.

I don’t want the ILs round but it seems MIL hasn’t made arrangements as she assumed she would be spending it with us.
According to the arrangement it’s Ex’s Week but I honestly don’t mind having DSD if her mum doesn’t tag along. Maybe ex can go out?

Well if it's ex's week then I'd leave it at that and not try to step on her toes by asking for DSD to be with ye. If you stick to access agreements everyone knows where they stand.