I don’t like DC knowing how much we spend on them?

[PooleySpooley]

DH and I have children - none together and we have shared finances obviously.

We have an agreed amount of money which we spend on each child at Christmas and birthdays.

His children know how much that is and send him a list of what they want up to that amount which I don’t really like tbh as I don’t feel that is what Xmas is about. I give my kids in or around that amount depending on what they have asked for - they don’t know how much I spend really.

Unfortunately for DSD her birthday is on Boxing Day. We paid for her to have some music lessons which her mother said she would pay half for and didn’t so we asked her if she would like us to pay the other half for her birthday which she is thinking about. Personally I don’t know if there is any point as she isn’t practising.

Almighty row has broken out with DH ex over this and it turns out that DSD has been playing them off against each other a bit saying that her mother bought her nothing for her birthday and telling her mother we bought her nothing.

AIBU to feel pissed off that the £100 of presents she did “order” from her dad seem to have been totally forgotten here and yes it is a shit day to have a birthday but we have been asking her for weeks what she wants and waiting for a decision over the lessons.

Music lessons aren’t a great birthday present! How old is your DSD?

I agree with your approach. I’m sure your kids know roughly what you spend ( £1,000, £100 or £10) but I wouldn’t send them a budget and say what shall I buy you. Each to their own though I guess.

It’s not a rubbish present if that is what you have asked for.

I don’t think I said it was a rubbish present! And it depends on the age I think. A younger child I wouldn’t expect it to be a gift but a teen who really really wanted to take up a new instrument is different. I’m with you on the practicing too!

She’s 14. Loads of videos on Instagram of her playing - but not very well.

I used to play piano and got to grade 6 aged 11 and practised practised and practised.

Practice is so much of it unfortunately. Boring but true!

Yeah

I'm a bit confused here. Did you pay for half the music lessons for her Christmas present or just for her to have? And then ask if she wanted the other half for her birthday? I think she's being very cheeky playing both parents off against each other but I think this can be quite common with divorced parents. So what exactly is your AIBU?

We payed for half of the music lessons and her mum agreed to pay the other half.

Her mother is not going to pay it (and tbf has form for this and relies on DH taking pity and paying anyway).

She wants to continue so we said we would pay for the other half for her birthday if she wants but we cannot afford to pay for it otherwise.

She has also now been asking DH to pay for a haircut and told her mother that we said we would take that out of her birthday money

*paid sorry

I think your DH needs to nip the playing each parent off each other in the bud! I understand it must be hard having her parents split up but if you're married it presumably isn't a new situation. Sounds like she's pushing boundaries and if they aren't set then she'll just keep going. Sounds like you are both being generous enough for all your children and she needs to understand that money isn't limitless. Her mother is probably not helping the situation!!

This is it.

Their mum also tells them that we are loaded (we are not) which doesn’t help - she was ranting on this morning about earning a quarter of what DH earns which is bollocks.

They both press the kids for info and it’s shit for them tbh.

I think I am pissed off at the lack of appreciation for the money she has had spent on her and playing us off about her birthday.

I understand why you're upset, but if the ex has been telling the kids the dad earns way more than she does and that he's loaded then they may feel he isn't spending much on them and doesn't care as much. Do your kids live with you and DH?
It's Ridiculous of course but teenage brains don't fully work logically and when they're being manipulated they may be choosing to do some manipulating back.
It's shit being stuck in the middle and used.

My kids have left home.

We pay maintenance and on top of that we buy school shoes and coats, pay into savings and pay for mobile phones.

Things have been a bit tight this year as DH took a pay cut so I guess the ungrateful nature of it all is rankling me.

DSD is also terrible with money and things and will spend any money as soon as she gets it and breaks phones etc often.