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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Miserable DH

21 replies

Littlemuster · 28/12/2018 11:45

I don't think he has any happiness in him, I don't think he's capable of feeling it. Is that even possible?
I can't remember a time he was happy. I used to asked him if he was happy and he would say he is never happy, he's actually quite eager to share his unhappiness.

He projects on me - If I offer him gum, he makes a comment 'oh thanks, that means my breath stinks' or remember that he is out of deodorant etc. He never wears it, doesn't wash, rarely changes his clothes. He says it's a waste of water and electricity and has always said this. Gets tetchy if I tell him the DC need more than 2 washes in any given week.
Calls DC an idiot or stupid, will throw a pillow or item too hard so it hurts DC, laugh and proclaim innocence that he didn't throw it hard. DC hates him. Lots more stuff but won't bore you all.

I do need to leave but can't right now. Any tips on living with this for now? Maybe a year or so more? He is probably depressed but some of it is him - his personality, he's been like this always - 16 years - but progressively getting worse.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/12/2018 11:49

Don't you wash your children every day?
No tips other than use the water, do what you need to do and leave asap

steff13 · 28/12/2018 11:50

I can't imagine why you married him in the first place. What's stopping you leaving him now?

clockworklime · 28/12/2018 11:52

Maybe a year or more? No - you need to raise your standards and get out asap for your sake and your DC‘s.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2018 11:53

Seriously, how can you possibly be thinking about putting up with this miserable, stinking specimen for another year or 2?!
Your D.C. hate him? Don’t put them through it either!

Crimebustersofthesea · 28/12/2018 11:53

Why did you marry him if he's always been like this?

BootsMagoots · 28/12/2018 11:57

Struggling to understand how you married him if he’d always been like that, but you and your children will never be happy. Do it for yourself and then; you all deserve more.

Original poster
Littlemuster · 28/12/2018 11:59

I fell pregnant at 15 and marriage was expected by parents.
I think details of why I can't leave right now would be very outing but I would if I could.

OP posts:
Stormtrooper1986 · 28/12/2018 12:00

So you are not willing to protect your child !?!?!

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2018 12:03

He bullies and hurts your DC and your DC hates him. Whatever your “details” for not being able to leave, you need to leave for your DC’s sake. They have no choice in this miserable existence; you do. I appreciate that comes across as harsh, but perhaps you need some impetus to set the wheels in motion and the prospect of a happier life for your DC is it?

Mary1935 · 28/12/2018 12:21

Hi little - sorry your going through this misery.🌺 ignore the ones who simplify and say “just leave” - you would be best to contact Women’s aid. They can support you and advise you your options.
He is abusive. Has he ever hit you.
He maybe depressed but it’s up to him to do something about this.
Shoxfordian - believe it or not SOME people do not wash there children daily.
She was 15 when she became pregnant - probably very vulnerable.
Please contact women’s aid they will hopefully put you in touch with your local branch or you could google this.
He sounds a very unpleasant man.
Hope you get the help you need.
Keep posting.

Orchiddingme · 28/12/2018 12:23

There are no tips in the world that will help to change this man. This is who he is, he's consistently unwashed and unpleasant to your child.

That's it. There's no magic solution to change him, you need to leave.

You already know this- but feel you can't. Perhaps if you posted (disguised a bit) some reasons people could help you with them- I've noticed that people often don't know all the options available to them and feel stuck when others have ways around it/have left in similar circumstances.

PotteringAlong · 28/12/2018 12:26

I don’t wash my children daily. The other stuff is not good, obviously, but children don’t need continually cleaning.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2018 12:33

I wash daily. Don't know why anyone wouldn't wash their children daily as well.

Anyway, you clearly have other problems with this man, how can you leave him?

Holidayshopping · 28/12/2018 12:36

He projects on me - If I offer him gum, he makes a comment 'oh thanks, that means my breath stinks' or remember that he is out of deodorant etc. He never wears it, doesn't wash, rarely changes his clothes. He says it's a waste of water and electricity and has always said this.

I can’t get past this, tbh. He must stink?

Thebookswereherfriends · 28/12/2018 12:39

Is your husband much older? Or were you both very young?
You were basically forced into marriage and you should absolutely get out when you can. Your child must be 16 or so. I feel rather sorry that you and your child have had to endure this for so long, but you are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. My only advice for putting up with it until you leave is to disengage. You and your child live your life and ignore your husband. Do the bare minimum for him and make your plans to leave. If you are in any sort of danger from pulling him up on the behaviour then you should really contact women’s aid and get out ASAP.

dontneedthedrama · 28/12/2018 12:51

He's unhappy you're unhappy and dc is unhappy.
You all have a right to be happy start making positive steps to leave him . Save some money look into where to live etc don't put it off . It will be hard but worth it .

Thehop · 28/12/2018 12:52

Would you think about a refuge/family?

Orchiddingme · 28/12/2018 12:52

A teenager most certainly does need to wash either daily or every two days, use deodorant and so forth. Little children don't necessarily need continuous washing, but the hormones kick in as young as 8 upwards, and by top primary, everyone is a bit smelly if they don't wash!

Original poster
Littlemuster · 28/12/2018 13:24

Thanks for the replies.
I know it's hard to imagine but leaving right now would affect DCs safety due to something DH helps with that I couldn't. This is the only thing that stops me right now, this will change in about a year or so. It's a rock and a hard place and when we do split I will explain why and why I couldn't earlier to DC as this is really unhealthy for all of us.
I have no family. I'm not financially secure, neither do I stand to be anytime soon. I'm terrified of what the future holds but living in misery. Yet optimistic that it could turn out alright somehow, I suppose I have to be!

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 28/12/2018 13:36

Does your child have some health issue? Is this what your husband helps with that you feel you couldn't? if so you need to speak with the doctor about getting support with this (and it will be there if your husband is no longer there to do it). Or if it's something else then the same applies.

You don't need to stay because of the thing he helps with - there will be help out there.

Can you speak to your GP or women's aid as a starting point?

Outwards · 28/12/2018 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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