Parents being vile to each other and putting me in the middle

[WarringParenta]

Sorry this could be long. My parents have been married for over 40 years, I'm in my mid thirties and I have a sister a couple of years older. Off and on for the past 20 or so years my parents have treated each other with contempt. They are still together.

Over Christmas we had guests staying with us and there were meals hosted by my parents where they openly barked and snapped at each other making everyone incredibly uncomfortable. My dad wouldn't speak for whole meals making the guests confused. He then announced some big decision he had made (don't want to say as outing) without even discussing it with my mum first and she was furious and is now saying to me she wants to leave him- I know she won't.

I'm actually 9 months pregnant and I can do without them piling all this on me. My dad is manipulative and plays the victim, my mum uses me as her confidante and tells me she wants to run away. They're both in foul moods. I could give hundreds of examples of how they treat each other (my dad not speaking to my mum for days on end/ my mum telling my dad to F off and generally not treating with respect).

I don't know how to go forward with this- my mum especially wants so much emotional support from me and I can see faults on both sides and don't want to listen to the same old stuff any longer. I am always coming away feeling guilty for not being supportive enough and not being the shoulder to cry on. AIBU for not being more supportive or saying my mum can stay with me? (She hasn't asked but probably wants me to offer.)

You need boundaries and now before baby is here. Just keep reiterating “I don’t want to get involved or take sides, you need to sort it between yourselves” and leave it there otherwise it’ll keep tearing at you and you’ll make yourself more anxious with it when really you should just be focusing on you and your baby. You are not her crutch or their mediator. I say this as someone who’s parents are similar- it’s hard, but you need to be selfish and put you first.

Your parents are rude. They can dislike each other in private but in front of guests they should put on a happy face and not make people feel awkward.

Your best approach is to tell them you don’t want to hear about their relationship and if they mention it you’ll leave. Then do it. You’ll only have to walk out a few times and they’ll get the message that they need to keep private things private.

I know you're right but if I say that my mother in particular would be outraged and betrayed- she wants me to confront my dad on her behalf which I won't do. I'm drained with them both, it goes around in circles with no solution as they won't split up.

I would tell them to go to counselling and sort it out or separate. This is not healthy for the both of them or the family. You've got a baby on the way, your mother is a grown up. Let her sort it out and don't feel guilty.

How do you go forward with this..?

You step back. You cannot fix their problems, and you shouldn't be expected to.

It's at too great a cost to yourself.

You need to protect your own wellbeing, and frankly you have bigger priorities right now as your new arrival is imminent.

OP I think you should have posted this in the Relationship section - there are a lot of posters on here who have successfully extricated (or severely limited the negative impact) of toxic family dynamics. If you break free, which doesn't necessarily mean going no contact, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. Personally I think it outrageous that they've placed the mental burden on you to involve you in this and acted so embarrassingly & selfishly... You need to figure out how much you can and want to give (if anything) then work on techniques to enforce that.

At the moment, you give them more than is reasonable to ask for - most people would have asked them to leave if they can't be civil as a guest in someone else's home. Have they really lost so much sense of what's normal and appropriate that they don't see it? Why has no one else ever asked them why they think it's appropriate or fair to inflict misery and emotional tolls on other people?

Just spotted your update about your mum wanting you to confront your dad - wtf?

This hits all of the typical narcissistic tendancies toxic parents often display - examples from a previous thread I bookmarked it sounds like something you could read up on to learn protection techniques around:

• very needy
• everything all about her
• excessively focused on how others view her
• uses her children as sources of emotional supply
• manipulates her children
• ignores her child's needs
• would be unable to face a critical view of her

Amazon have this on at a slight discount - probably one of the best twelve quids you could spend before 2019:

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www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=toxic+parents+susan+forward&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1524018488&sr=8-1

Trying again

Thank you @Eilaianne I'll take a look at that link. If you can I would appreciate you posting a link to the thread you mentioned too. Those bullet points you listed are incredibly relevant. Both parents are in full on victim mode and it's all about them. It's distressing as I feel like I have to emotionally support them and yes they have completely lost all sense of what's normal and acceptable.

@Eilaianne sorry I've just seen you have posted a link to that thread I'm going to read it now.

Hugs. You do not have to emotionally support them in their relationship troubles. Would you expect your future child to mediate between you and your partner? Of course not. I would try an incredulous look while saying "I'm 9 months pregnant with your grandchild and you want me to mediate your disputes?! I have more important things to think about right now!"

If you took your Mum's side very firmly by voicing in front of your father that you have one noticed his manipulation and his sulking and 2) that you want him to stop, and be more communicative and less manipulative then your mother would overnight need a lot less support.

It sounds like their relationship has become bitter.
OP, can I ask, do you think it’s possible that they would likely be too scared to split up? Sometimes when people have been together a long time it’s all they know and they fear the unknown. They make each other miserable rather than part. This affects people around them as it becomes toxic. Without realising their bitterness drives friends away and they become lonely.
If this is the case, you are likely one of the few left to put up with the negativity and nastiness.
If you feel they would be responsive, it may be worth sitting them down separately and explaining to them how they have driven people around them away.
If you don’t feel they would respond positively to this then just explain (separately) how you are there for them and love them dearly but you don’t want to hear them bad mouthing each other to you.

They may not inherently be bad people and everyone needs love and support but they are engineering their own misery and passing it on to you.

You shouldn’t be feeling this pressure. You need to reject the behaviour (not them). If you do this calmly and sensitively they are more likely to take notice than if you go in guns blazing. They are familiar with conflict so they won’t take notice with that approach.

I hope all goes well and good luck with the baby.