Hosting Christmas

[Tantrumschmantrum]

DH and I rotate Christmas so we spend with my family one year his the next. To get some context we live in a relatively small house. You can fit no more than 5 round the kitchen table (we are a family of 4)and if there are more it's a buffet on your lap spreading to the lounge sofa.

My parents have a largish house that families could afford way back when. It has a dining room which you can open into another room.

In-laws have a separate dining space which can seat 8 people fairly comfortably with a conservetory attached for overspill and BIL has a 5bed house with a very roomy kitchen.

Anyway some context this year was in-laws house. We were invited and brought food wine and gifts with us as we always do. Mil halfway through meal started to be a bit how can I say passive aggressive about when are we going to host, but not even directing it at her DS but towards me. It made me feel awful as in all honesty I can't see how we could invite DHs side. For one thing SIL is an only child and her parents always come so somehow we'd have to accommodate them (12 people), and if it was my side we'd have to find room for 14 which my folks can just about squeeze into house that's more than double the size of ours.

It's made me feel like we're a real drain on them. We desperately want to move to a larger house, but it's such an expensive area we just can't afford the next rung and comments like that just bring me down.

Makes me feel like we should just stay in on our own for Christmas which I know they'd have a problem with as they like a party. I'm prepared to be panned for having not hosted. I genuinely feel bad about it but how would you deal with it? Give everyone a tray and a cushion to sit on?!

See them on another day/weekend.

That's how I would deal with it.

Suggest you do Christmas separate from now on? She doesn't sound like good company anyway!!

I think I’d offer to host a Christmas lunch buffet and explain that you’d love to host but don’t have the space to hold a sit down meal for 12/14. If they don’t fancy that then at least you’ve offered.

I never host as I have fuck all interest in doing so. I bring food , booze, gifts etc....to other people’s houses and put money in towards the meal, plus wash up. Sounds like you do similar so you aren’t being a CF or being a drain on them.

However the fact is your house is too small so you can’t host everyone. If it’s mentioned again, nip it in the bud with that fact. The fact you’re feeling they’re having a dig at you may be your perception and not the reality

I did say that. I tried to make it 'breezy' like it hadnt offended me and she went on about how she's looking forward to when we buy our mansion.

Both BIL and SIL are on fantastic salaries alongside us so their house is big and I think she has expectations that we ought to be keeping up with them

She sounds like a bit of an arse. I’d not go again

As the person who often hosts, I can 100% see your MILs side. It is a mahousive pain in the arse to host, the time planning starts days/weeks before, the shopping, the preparation, the cooking, the hosting itself, the tidy up after. Bringing a dish/wine/gifts/all of those things, goes no where near the effort the host has to put in.
That said, you can't, because your house isn't big enough.
What about you hosting next year, but from their house? So, you do all the planning, shopping, hosting but in their house?

Agh, couldn’t be arsed will all that especially at Christmas.

Stay at home and do separate host days over the festive period. Staying at home is awesome!

I can't imagine hosting at their house tbh as I'm not even allowed to stack the dishwasher. I did ask in advance what we could help with and was just told bring wine and so I asked if I could bring a pudding which I made. May have to have a chat with DH about it. He'll probably not have noticed any of the comments though.

I would offer to host a buffet on another day say Xmas eve or Boxing Day. It's much easier to host a more relaxed gathering when room is tight.

Her comments might have been less about your not hosting and more as a way to find out your plans to move. She was clumsy and rude about it for sure.

I'm not sure if I read your op right though - do you earn the same as your bil or does she just expect you to have the same lifestyle even though you earn significantly less?

We don't earn nearly the same as BIL and SIL sadly. TBH shes made comments about it before like, it would be nice if you could rent your house and buy a new place, umm yes it would but we wouldn't have any money to buy a second place, and has quite a bit to say about how the private school DN attends is amazing which at times is quite tactless.

The funny thing is that she was never posh persay. She and FIL both had decent but fairly normal jobs, and her folks were definately not wealthy. I guess it was a different time when house prices weren't as crazy and she has a view that we ought to be able to afford what they did. The type of house I think she expects of us would at least have a 4 infront of the price tag.

We had people telling us the same 'rent your house and buy bigger' err we need the equity in our current house to afford a bigger house! It took us a long time to get s biugwr house but even now we struggle to house lots of people because we have lots of rooms but there are not large and are over 3 floors.

I'm prepared to be panned for having not hosted.

I don’t see why anyone would criticise you for not hosting. Your house isn’t big enough to host that many people - what are you meant to do?

By all means invite them over for something more informal at some point (e.g. Easter buffet), but don’t feel guilty for not having the space to host Christmas Day.