To feel let down by therapist? *Possible ED trigger*

[30RockFan]

I have had a problem with binge eating since my early teens, so over 20 years. I don't know why. It did start at a period in my life of massive upheaval and massive stress, and I interpret it as a form of self harm, but I've never been able to shake this thing. I have had periods of starving myself or being super 'healthy' over the years, but I always come back to bingeing. I'm disgusting. I buy and eat food in secret. I shove food in to my mouth to the point I end up with sores in my mouth.
I could go on, but honestly I'm tired of thinking and talking. I just wish I could stop.

I am deeply embarrassed about this behaviour and have never told anyone. Things got very bad for me last year, I had a lot of stress in my life again and got to the point where I felt suicidal. Not just because of the food thing, but I just felt such self loathing and disgust at myself. How I can't manage something that should be so simple. I plucked up the courage to see a therapist. I decided on private because I'm too embarrassed to tell my gp (and the receptionist first!) And have it on my medical records. I researched and found one who said she dealt with ED disorders. Made appointment, big huge deal for me. Took a lot of courage as you can imagine.

First session goes like this (after preamble to ask why I'm there)

Me: explains problem
Her (doubtfully): really?! You don't look overweight?!

I think I was slightly overweight at this time, I can't remember as my weight fluctuates a lot. Generally I'm at the upper end of healthy, sometimes over by varying degrees, sometimes much lower due to periods of starving and restriction. I'm 5'9" and my weight has fluctuated between 9st5 and 15st4.

But, that seems irrelevant to me and totally pissed all over the courage it took for me to say those words.
She pointed out that she was significantly overweight herself, I didn't really know what I was meant to say to that, but explained the weight is really a red herring - my sil, for example, is probably medically obese but she doesn't binge or have an issue, she just adores food and entertaining and is definitely just values enjoying herself over fitting in to skinny jeans. But that's not me: I'm forcing food down my throat to the point I feel sick and in pain and crying.

This kind of just continued. She isn't hide her disbelief at all. She asked quite a few times "and you're sure you're not being sick after?"

She just didn't believe me.

We did talk a lot about my childhood (standard i guess, and in fairness there's a lot to discuss), and I suppose it's not a stretch to assume some of my problems stem from my childhood, but she didn't even really try to make that link. She was very dismissive.

I stopped seeing her after 5 sessions as it was expensive and I came out feeling crapper than I went in, not because I was facing up to difficult truths but because she made me feel like I'm making a fuss about something trivial. This has ruled my entire adult life and stopped me doing so many things. Crazy starvation diet? Sorry best friend, can't meet you in case there's food. Dream job? Can't apply because I feel so disgusting and fat and stupid.

Am I wrong to feel like she let me down? And where can I get the help I need?
Please don't anyone start saying "just try eating high protein/low carb" or "take such and such supplement/tea from Holland & Barrett" etc. It's not good for me.

Thanks for reading.

I’m sorry, your therapist doesn’t sound great. She shouldn’t be referring to herself at all and should know that eating disorder doesn’t necessarily equal appearance of anorexia or obesity. I would try someone else who has experience with eating disorders. Check their qualifications and experience first.

I am not qualified in any way but have some experience of what you describe. A very good therapist suggested to me that when I feel the urge to binge I first have to write. Anything at all, brainstorm, good or bad. But She suggested that stuffing food down is a metaphor for stuffing feelings down. If we can find a way to get them out (eg on paper) first, the urge to binge may not be as strong. She also suggested boxing with a punchbag, though this never appealed to me.

Good luck.

That doesn't sound good. What model of therapy is she meant to be offering - CBT, DBT, systemic etc? Is there any chance she might be a counseller with minimal training rather than a proper therapist?

Either way I would stop seeing her and go through the NHS. And I'd probably complain to her regulatory body too.

I had a therapist through IAPT (NHS). She referred to herself constantly, told me that in some ways I was lucky that my parents had low expectations on me because the opposite can be worse, and finally advised me to ask my manager at work when it would be a good time for me to have another child. The woman was a bloody idiot and I don't know why I didn't make a complaint.

Thanks both. She had an undergrad in something unrelated, like English literature, then a post grad diploma in psychodynamic counselling and is registered with BACP. Has been a psychodynamic counsellor for over 15 years.

Complain to BACP. They take this kind of thing seriously. She shouldn't be practising.

Finding a therapist you can get on with takes time. You need to check not just qualifications but also that you feel comfortable with them.

I would try BACP or UKCP to find one registered in your area.

Sadly there are a lot of dodgy counsellors out there who have the training. I told myself if I found three in a row were crap then it was probably me with the problem. (Now I know that would not necessarily be true). Luckily the second one I tried was amazing.

Perhaps try someone from a different discipline. CBT? You should also see if they have a special interest in ED. It really does sound like she was just shit.

I agree with @persist - make a complaint.

My personal view is that therapy is not all that. I think you were right to stop the sessions.

She sounds awful. I’m so sorry it took all that courage for you to open up to someone to have that experience.
I think it can sometimes take time to find someone good. You can have all the qualifications in the world but if you don’t click with them you won’t feel comfortable.
I agree with the other posters about reporting her. Is there anyone who could make a recommendation to you? Or can you see if anyone offers free introductory sessions? That way you could explain this issue you’ve had and see if the new counsellor is a better fit for you.
Well done for trying to seek some support. It must have been very hard for you

I’ve had a similar experience with trying to have therapy for binge eating disorder only to have the counsellor refer to her own eating issues and then start banging on about angels! She was also charging £70 per session! I quickly gathered the confidence to stop seeing her but it’s really put me off trying to seek help for my disordered eating. I’ve also tried working through the book ‘Brain over Binge’ but was disappointed when I didn’t have the ‘lightbulb moment’ which many reviewers claimed they had which stopped their binge eating. Sorry to be the voice of doom, I just wanted to say that your not alone in trying and failing to find the right help.

I would recommend speaking to your gp. I did after many years and it took a lot of courage and missed appointments to finally go and talk to someone. At the time they referred me to the perinatal mental health team (because I was pregnant) but there are other organisations they said I will be referred to now I'm no longer pregnant. The NHS is definitely a good option

What a bizarre attitude (hers not yours!). The only thing I can think of is maybe she (wrongly) thought you were in denial about the real issue because you didn’t look physically as she presumed a binge eater would look?! (I’m clutching at straws here!). But referring to her own size/ eating habits is unhelpful, unprofessional and surely irrelevant.

Don’t have any real advice I’m afraid but hope you manage to get some more helpful support. You should be proud of yourself for reaching out for help, even though the result wasn’t what you hoped for.

OP a really good therapist can really help you with this. You could try sending a few emails out to therapists who specialise in this field. Look in the Counselling Directory. Ask them how they work. Anyone good will be happy to outline how they approach working with clients. Narrow them down to two or three and then speak to them on the phone and see which one you gel with.

It's irrelevant whether or not you're under or overweight, it's all about whether it's causing you problems and affecting your life adversely, which it definitely sounds like it is.

Therapists also shouldn't be talking willy nilly about their lives. There are rare instances where it might be helpful but mostly the focus should be on you, the client, and exploring your feelings and past experiences and how they connect to your behaviours around food. I would expect a therapist to give you some psycho-education so you can understand what is behind these behaviours and how you developed these unhealthy beliefs around food.

Good luck OP

Hi! Just a thought but might be be worth asking an eating disorder charity for a list of local counsellors? I needed a counsellor for a specific issue (not ED but infertility) and phoned a patient support charity who were able to recommend a few local ones who "got it". Maybe start there?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I used to suffer with exactly what you describe and I know how awful it feels. And I'm really sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience with that therapist. It's really difficult to open up and she acted terribly.

I would definitely say find another therapist, you really have to shop around,. Also, i don't know if you've heard of it but I read a book called Brain over Binge by Katherine Hansen and it totally changed my life. I went from binging 3 times a week to completely stopping (for 3 years now). I know you said not to recommend anything but I didn't think this fell into the category you mentioned (tea, supplements etc...I know how annoying it can be when people do that!) I know different things work for different people, but I thought I would let you know just in case you thought it might be something that would help you. Good luck with everything xxx

I'm sorry to say that a lot of therapists practising privately advertise themselves as having a speciality in issues which they do not have the relevant training or expertise. If they have a very long list of "issues I deal with" on their website then that is a bit suspicious. I say this as a therapist myself. Eating disorders really are quite specialist and ideally you need to find a specialist or take a recommendation from someone knowledgeable. Ideally find yourself a psychologist rather than a psychotherapist or counsellor.

Sorry to hear about your experience, Maybe try looking for a proper therapist like a Clinical Psychologist - they are registered with the HCPC.

BACP and UKCP register lower grade (albeit cheaper) therapists and counsellors.

I have battled a (different) ED, and had three therapists. Third was great, first two shit. I let years pass (wasted) between trying therapy.

Try someone else; she sounds awful.

Try someone else. Just like all professions there are some odd people out there.

You can do this :)

(I had a therapist who’d insist we pray together before a session. I know I’m messed up but didnt realise it was so bad it needed divine intervention)

I saw a hypnotherapist who specialised in solution based therapy. It was amazing. After my first session i felt totally amazing. That is how you should feel. Your therapist sounded awful. I absolutely empathise with you. It sounds like food/your weight has been tormenting you all your life and you need to be freed from it. find another therapist. Don't let her stop you getting the help you need.x

Can I add that anyone can call themselves a therapist, there is no protection of the title and no legal body to which a therapist must report. My ex is a counsellor with therapy training and he didn’t complete the paperwork to get the qualification but he has no hesitation in calling himself a therapist. He was hung out to dry by the Advertising Standards Agency over his website and claims of qualifications - I don’t know how it came about but it was the BACP that made the complaint. There are people who will happily take advantage of people’s vulnerability so do use someone who is BACP registered as that at least requires a standard to maintain the registration.

Thanks so much for all your kind words.

I will order that book, @wisequartet , thanks. You never know, maybe it will help me too.

@MajesticWhine she did have a loooonnng list of issues she deals with, but actually so did all the therapists local to me.

Thanks for all your suggestions, and just for validating how I felt about it all. I've spent so many years feeling a bit pathetic, and her reaction reinforced that. It has helped to read that you all think she didn't deal with it professionally.