AIBU to want to raise this with dds dad knowing it could end their relationship?

[miasmummytobe]

I'm a long time lurker first time poster. Prepared to be flogged for 'the thought that counts'.

My daughter has just turned 9 she has had an on/off relationship with her dad her whole life with huge gaps between visits (fully his choice and each time he pops back up I act as if he's never disappeared and their relationship continues until the next time).

DD visited him for a few hours to celebrate Christmas and returned excitedly carrying a bag, the minute she closed the door she told me she wasn't too sure on her gifts. She then produced a small pack of sweets a woman's deodorant set and a hand towel.

Although a little shocked at the choices I wasn't too bothered as I knew she had received plenty from us and the extended family already. Until later in the evening when she told me she had had a lovely day playing with his other dd (a year younger and also from a previous relationship) as their dad had bought her a gift that I know retails at over £200.

I subtly enquired thinking she must be mistaken but no it was not a joint gift and yes it was addressed to and opened by her sister infront of her and will be going home with her for her mums house.

I'm hurt on my daughters behalf at the blatant favoritism. I'm incredibly proud that my little girl was gracious for her gifts and doesn't seem to have noticed or even understood the value difference or more importantly the lack of thought for her gifts.

AIBU to raise this with him? She does not seem bothered and he is not good with conflict so I'm certain will use it as an excuse to walk away again. However I feel. Like if I don't say anything this will only continue. He regularly and consistently sees other child and has her overnight so I appreciate he knows her better but surely they are pretty similar so easy enough to buy for and therefor not an excuse?

Maybe the other child got nothing off her mother and her other family and he knew this, and also knew that your daughter wouldn't be left without.

Keep out of it is my advice.

Your DD is 9 already. It won't be long until she works this sort of thing out by herself.

When she eventually does, just be there for her.

No I have regular contact with his ex as we have ensured the girls maintained their relationship during his absences. She is a great mum and I'm aware of what she got from her as we collaborated on a few bits so the girls could play together. We also have each of the girls at our respective houses quite often and she will bring the latest toy she's had. There is no concern that she would go without in any way.

The previous posters seem a bit bonkers. Of course you can ask him why he bought her those gifts and why he did that. Seems like he lost the gift or forgot and wrapped up his MIL present or whatever he could find in the house

Seems like a bit of a d*ck move by the dad. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say she's lucky she at least has you because you sound like a fantastic mum, especially making sure she sees her half sister plenty.

What a dick.

I'd bring it up, mostly because it has the potential to affect the relationship between the two girls in future.

Rather than making it about her present not being as big, make the consistency/fairness the important thing -- e.g. that small presents are totally fine as long as the girls see them as fair. That they didn't notice this year but you're concerned that in future years they would be old enough to etc.

Why do you think he sees the other daughter more regularly? It's an interesting difference too. Wondering if it is favouritism, or whether there are any practical/access reasons?

I would say something. My DDs father took his exP and her DD - not his DD - to Disneyland. He hadn't seen DD in months and knew she wanted to go there. I was extremely upset and angry and told him he was a worthless piece of shit, DD deserves a father who puts her first etc etc . Of course, it changed nothing and he's still an arsehole but I felt better for calling him out on it.

Are you sure the expensive gift was from him and not the other mom trying to compensate for his uselessness?

I’d ask him if a present or gift bag got mixed up somewhere along the way, and was the grownups deodorant set and hand towel etc meant for someone else? Especially given that you’ve spoken to Other Mum and her DD was given something more age appropriate.

There’s no way I wouldn’t address it, this is the kind of thing that a child never forgets.

I would ask him. Is there a chance it is a dig at you? Does he have a better relationship with the other ex? Another possibility is that the other ex bought the gift herself so the dd thought she had something special from her shitty dad. He sounds like a dick and is likely to be a minor person in your dds life as she grows up but I would follow my instinct to stand up for my daughter. You want to avoid rivalry between the girls if at all possible so getting to the bottom of this might help.

I think asking tactfully if there was a mix up because your DDs sister got whateveritwas and your DD got what appeared to be an adults gift, wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd be wanting to know how come he sees more of your DDs sister and not your DD, also

My DDs father took his exP and her DD - not his DD - to Disneyland

It never ceases to amaze me how pathetic some men are.

I would call him out on it, this happened to my 2 Dd with their dad he favoured the oldest and my DD2 at the age of 20 holds a lot of resentment towards him. Not her sister or myself just him. I don’t like that she feels this way and wish I had said something back then, I to thought just leave it they will find out what a useless ass he is, which they have but it doesn’t stop that resentment and hate which is not good for the soul. He now has another 2dd and he is great with them which only adds to the resentment. I wish my girls could let go of those feelings