Ex p always looking more generous at Christmas

[TheDramaLlama123]

My DCs are due to go to their Dads house tomorrow. He was boasting about all the presents him and his partner have them. They can’t wait, which I’m happy about. Today DD (6) was saying Dad says we’ve got 10 presents each! You only got me 4. It broke my heart. ‘I’ got them four, ‘Santa’ got them a stocking full and a extra special one. I really struggle to afford everything for Christmas, I work full time but still couldn’t afford my eldest (18) much - she agreed I can give her cash next payday. He left a few years ago and I am carrying on the family tradition we created together. AIBU to feel so upset they think he gets them more when I’m probably spending more but carring on the ‘Magic’ of Santa?

YANBU to be feeling hard done by in this situation- but remember than in a few years time the littlest will know and realise that you cared more about Christmas being magic for her than "winning" at Christmas (I'm not saying your ex is trying to do that by the way)

I wish my DD’s dad would shower her with thoughtful gifts... in my opinion far better than the other way round, kids seeing their other parent putting their own toys/gifts/lifestyle and/or new partners above the half forgotten children of “ex-family”. Sorry, no sympathy here.

He only showers 2 out of the 3 with gifts, he doesn’t see the eldest. His choice.

They will understand when they are older.

As for giving the 18yo cash on payday surely she is old enough to understand money is tight and it's token gifts now she is an adult? I didn't really get much from 16 onwards and was expected to work if I wanted nice things.

I think you should tell them to be grateful for the gifts they receive and it's not a competition who buys them more. My Dd got a bit like this at her grandparents as she thought her brother had more stuff and I just said to her be grateful or it will all go away! Remind them how lucky they are to get lovely gifts from both of you.

I should add 6 is a funny age. Mines get more from me than they do their dad because I can afford it, just like I'm the one who affords holidays etc. They've always known that parents send money to santa for the gifts and some parents have more money than others so not to comment- be that kids at school or mum vs dad etc.

@ForgotwhatIcameinherefor
It’s not a race to the bottom OP is upset because her ex is rubbing his spending in her face.

He has money, it's not my business but I pay for everything. My eldest is fantastically understanding. But I feel I have let her down as she only gets from myself and my DPs. My 6yo does like to press my buttons I know that.

He favours 2 of his children?! Hibu, and this cannot be tolerated. He either treats them equally, or no contact with any.

Yanbu to feel like this. But I would stop/amend the Santa myth that you provide the gifts to Santa.

That's a whole other post Plover!
Apparently according to the courts it's not and he has the right to contact with just the two!

I did consider not buying from Santa, but I just couldn't break the magic.

I can empathize with you. I hated this. One year, I tried to buy great presents, these were completely forgotten when they received from my ex and his new wife, junior motorbikes and all the kit to ride them on his land!

Strategies for dealing with it - I stopped asking the DC's what presents they got; I made a pact with them, sadly, ( rightly or wrongly but the only way I could cope) to not talk to me about Christmas with their dad. I had to do that to detach.

On a positive note I hammered home the importance of time over money, something he seriously lacked. I made every effort to make Christmas special ( even if it had to be a different day because they were at his) , we'd play board games and simple old fashioned games; I involved them in making choices ( they chose to 'dress' for Christmas dinner and eat late in the day because they wanted the candles lit on the table); we walked together at the local deer park, taking a tiny 'winter picnic' ( left overs!); I created a treasure hunt, with them following clues to find small gifts, great fun and such a laugh; we followed Christmas traditions and created our own new ones. It was all about quality time.

As time went on my DC's dad would promise fantastic presents but often they were more about him than them; sometimes these were idle promises (a holiday in Australia) which also has never happened. My DC's are older now; they know where they are better off; they know where memories are made. It really isn't about money.

Thanks Pippa,
That's great advice. I will try put it into practice

Forgot to add, which sums it up and made me laugh...the junior motorbikes were sold 18 months later as the DC's had outgrown them...they'd used them 3 times as daddy didn't have time to supervise.
Kinda sums it up.