Hello
My mother has always been a hard woman. I’ve tolerated her behaviour for over 35 years because she is my mum and I love my dad and my sister and if I didn’t see them my children would have no extended family.
My dad has recently been seriously ill. So ill we had to decided whether to end life support except by some miracle he slowly improved and is now home. I’ve had to spend a huge amount of time with my mother during the three months he was in hospital due to her living in a very remote area and not being able to get to hospital or shops on her own. If I hadn’t done this she would have just left my dad on his own in hospital terrified. I have taken time off work to support her. I did this for my dad even though he has never backed me up over the years when she has been verybally aggressive and controlling. I came to terms with how she was years ago and knew I would never have a normal mother/daughter relationship and made sure I was never in a room alone with her as she would always become verbally aggressive to me. It’s bad enough in front of other people as she would try to embarrass me but at least I would have back up from my husband and others who witnessed it.
For years and years I have ended up doubting my feelings and apologised to her for being the sort of person that makes her feel the way she does towards me.
We are so lucky my dad is alive after his illness. My mother has not cried once (even when we were told he would die but I know everyone reacts differently), and at times refused to visit him in hospital. My sister and I have been there every single day at my fathers side. She got cross with me for this and told me I was pathetic. I almost (but can’t quite bring myself to believe it) feel that him surviving and now needing support from her at home is just a huge inconvenience to her. She is refusing to move to an area closer to me and my sister even though all the care has been done between us and if we hadn’t, my mum would have been stranded and my dad left alone terrified in a hospital.
Her verbal abuse to him has always been dreadful but even in intensive care she snapped at him and tried to start arguments with him, days after he came out of a coma!
I’ve tried talking to her about all this for years and there is no point. It gets me upset and then I’m convinced I am the ‘bad’ person as she twists absolutely everything until I doubt myself. I’ve tried talking to my dad but he says after 50 years of marriage he can’t do anything to change it. My sister is in denial about it as she doesn’t actually see or get any of my mother’s abuse.
I love my sister and my nieces and my father a huge amount and couldn’t stand not seeing them but what do I do when it is under such toxic circumstances? I’m 43 ffs! Why does any of this still bother me? It shocked me today when my own children asked why I let my mum do this to me and that they can see she isn’t a nice person.
I don’t think I’m bu but I don’t know where to go next.