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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Issues with MIL

13 replies

BethH94 · 27/12/2018 17:51

looking for opinion’s - in May I had my DD(1st child) which me and my partner had been trying a long time for, I am extremely protective of her as I’ve longed for a baby for so long and have a condition which could of stopped me having kids. Me and MIL always got on great until maybe August when she had my LO for a sleepover, DD gets very hot and at night(in summer) we only had her in a vest and baby grow,MIL sent me a pic with a fluffy blanket under her and over her which I kindly asked if she’d keep an eye on DD’s temp, long story short turns out she and SIL had been bitching about me due to this and MIL felt she had the right to tell me too ‘piss off’ we have had a few disagreements since then and I’m a very stubborn person especially when I don’t think I’ve done wrong and refuse to be in her company or have anything to do with her, I don’t stop her seeing DD my partner just has to take her up and bring her home etc. My partner thinks I should just get over it and be in her company etc again but I really can’t bring myself to do it, AIBU??

OP posts:

LostInShoebiz · 27/12/2018 17:53

I’m a very stubborn person

Given you’ve had such a minor spat, I think the above might be the main issue.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 17:54

Imo sleepovers aren't necessarily a benefit to your dc. Pandering to mil while she slags you off is unacceptable.
She ain't your friend so no need to fake it!!

SeaToSki · 27/12/2018 17:54

Yes. Life is too short. Take a deep breath and accept she is unreasonable but it's not enough that you can't cope with it. No one is perfect and you can still like or just tolerate someone, even if you don't like one aspect of them

Bibijayne · 27/12/2018 17:55

Hello no. Overheated babies can die.

Also, you are the parent, your rules. Your MIL was totally out of order. Especially as you'd asked her not to do it.

I wouldn't let her see DD unsupervised. If anyone should be apologising it should be MIL and SIL. Outrageous your DH is not standing up for you and your DDs safety.

Make him read the SIDs guidance on the lullaby trust website.

Bibijayne · 27/12/2018 17:56

@Santaisonthesherry yup! No unsupervised sleepovers! Your DD is still very young

headinhands · 27/12/2018 17:58

You've glossed too much over the actual incident. Your MIL actually said 'piss off' to you when you queried if your dc was too hot?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 27/12/2018 18:16

She's your child, so your rules, and MIL should respect that no matter what she thinks. Also, guidelines say that babies should have clear cots without blankets until 1 year old for a reason. Was she in a cot?
Either way, I would have asked the exact same thing in your position.

Is it literally just this incident that has caused all the tension or has anything else happened? I think your MIL and SIL need to apologise for bitching about you, but I also think you need to draw a line under this incident for the sake of your DH, by chatting to them both.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 18:20

When my (now ex) ils came over and sometimes tucked ds in, after they went home and we checked on ds he had a thick fleece under +over him also! Dh spoke to fil about temp guidelines but he wouldn't be told. Once came to near blows. More than once I suggested they leave our home if they didn't listen.
Suggested they stay away but unfortunately they didn't listen to that either.
Got to where dh took dc to them for a short visit (afternoon) while I caught up with housework.
Hardly saw them myself.
Bloody fab.

Littletabbyocelot · 27/12/2018 18:21

Telling a parent to piss off when they ask you to take care of their baby in a certain way isn't a minor spat, it's a really clear indicator of lack of respect. I wouldn't personally cut contact but I would permanently refuse unsupervised access. And I'd expect my dp to discuss with his mother.

Original poster

BethH94 · 27/12/2018 20:22

Thanks for all your opinions - she didn’t reply with ‘piss off’ but once I found out she had been bitching she told me that ‘she could of told me too’ when I asked her to watch DD temp. There’s been a few ‘petty’ things happen in between also eg she sent me a video of my daughter i could tell she was upset in the video so I asked if she was ok and she got annoyed with me because I asked this!! When I say I’m a stubborn person I mean more when I don’t believe I’m in the wrong and have not had an apology for any of this. My partner is fine with taking DD up and bringing her home as he knows who was in the wrong and see’s where I am coming from, it would just make things easier for him if I was to draw a line under it. I just can’t be bothered with the fake friendly chats etc if I were to draw a line under it

OP posts:

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 27/12/2018 20:47

Hmm sorry but if you are happy for MIL to have DD for sleepovers, then you have to be prepared not to micromanage and control. She brought your DH up ok. I think she is probably capable of checking your DD is comfortable and acting accordingly. She didn't tell you to piss off as you originally claimed but it sounds like she resented what she saw as your interference and it turned into a spat. I think she probably feels that you don't trust her with her GDD. I think it's fine to say 'DD has been getting really hot at night so just keep an eye on her temperature - she hasn't been needing a blanket here' before she goes but if every time MIL tries to be nice and send you pictures and videos of DD whilst she's there, you find something to be anxious (and to her mind, critical) about, it's going to lead to rows. You either trust her with DD (and it doesn't sound as though you have reason not to) or you don't and so she doesn't go for sleepovers.

coconutpie · 27/12/2018 21:46

Overheated babies can die. Your MIL is irresponsible and cannot he trusted to look after DD unsupervised. Babies that young shouldn't be going for unnecessary sleepovers anyway with GPs - let me guess, MIL demanded the sleepover? Your DH should be furious that MIL put your young baby in danger. Just because things were done a certain way in the past, doesn't mean they are safe. This "oh MIL's DC turned out fine" is not a reason to ignore current SIDS guidelines - they are there for a reason - to protect babies.

Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 22:10

Once went on holiday with ils. Next apartment, they offered to have ds 14mo in their room as we had a newborn. Fil set his alarm HOURLY to check ds had enough blankets on!!
Didn't apply such 'care' when he toddled into a door when they had taken all eyes off him though. Huge black eye.
Never out my sight after that.
Your dc. Your rules.

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