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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone NOT visit extended family at Xmas

47 replies

YankeeCandlePong · 27/12/2018 17:29

DH and I both work for companies that close between Xmas and New Year and those days are taken out of our annual leave

We live 2 hours from in laws and slightly further from my family - in different directions!

Neither will make the journey to see us. So I'm sat at MiLs, watching Michael McIntyre and thinking I'd rather be home.

Tomorrow it's off to my family. I'm wondering if anyone has a we're staying home you're welcome to come to see us but if you don't want to that's fine policy. And are you horribly guilt tripped for it?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 27/12/2018 18:16

We don't necessarily meet up with family. Mine are 200 miles away and I don't necessarily get the non-bank holidays off and nor does DDad.

I'm open to travelling to my in laws but refuse to do it on the years when I'm working between Christmas and New Years and I'm not prepared to do it every year.

KlutzyDraconequus · 27/12/2018 18:16

I've not seen another adult since Xmas day when I picked DD up. It's just been her and me for Xmas afternoon, boxing day and today. I've really enjoyed it Nd we've had loads of fun.

I remember as a child being dragged to various places, aunts for buffets, grandparents for boxing day tea, etc. I hated it, i just wanted to be home playing with my new toys. Now most of my family is dead so we've nowhere we needs to be but exactly where we are.

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/12/2018 18:17

Yep, just refuse. Use the dog as an excuse next year "sorry, can't get a dog sitter, and I'm sure it's our turn to host and make the effort. If you would like to come to us, you are very welcome."

Any whinging about not seeing you "Yes it is a shame, are you sure you won't come to visit us? We'd love to have you to stay."

CruCru · 27/12/2018 18:20

I do know someone who has a policy of staying home. However, she announces this to her family and says she is doing an “Open House” over Christmas - then gets a bit passive aggressive when they don’t travel to her.

Glittertwins · 27/12/2018 18:22

Since having the DTs, we have never gone anywhere over Christmas. My parents did the same when I was young too. Dragging over excited and hyperactive children away from new toys and in the car on the motorway for hours is not our idea of Christmas fun!!!
My parents come down for a bit after the Christmas novelty has worn down a bit.

EggysMom · 27/12/2018 18:23

I did a lot of family Christmases ... and then moved c.400 miles away from family. It was a handy excuse, occasionally one side of parents would visit for Christmas, occasionally we'd travel but it meant taking the dogs ....

I'm in a different relationship now. MIL has a large family, so it's routine that she visits them rather than us. My DP are older, they will drive long distances when it suits them but are not keen on doing so in the winter with dark evenings. So thankfully we don't have to host extended family at all

SnuggyBuggy · 27/12/2018 18:24

To be fair if not doing Christmas I'll usually try to get down for a long weekend in either November or January

icannotremember · 27/12/2018 18:25

Not this year! Has been great :)

Notso · 27/12/2018 18:27

Surely you can just mix it up a bit. So this year you did the family visiting, next year your staying at home but open to visitors.
I think doing the same thing year in year out can lead to problems. I don't think we've ever had the same Christmas twice.
Not getting stuck in a rut at Christmas is probably the best advice my MIL has ever given me. She caused all kinds of problems when she refused to visit her SIL one year after it being routine for about 15 years.

Fairylightfurore · 27/12/2018 18:42

We stay home and I love it. My parents live 6 hours drive away and whilst they would love to host us, they won't travel. My in-laws live just around the corner. We went to them for a few years until they downsized. I hosted for them once pre kids. When they moved MIL handed over the baton saying the kids should be in their own home. FIL likes his Christmas dinner in his own home so we see them for fizz and puds in Christmas evening or on boxing Day. It's lovely. I am not ruling out having a houseful in a few years when they're older and don't want to cook but for now this is perfect.

Fluffyears · 27/12/2018 19:00

Yes for various reasons. We only get the standard bank holiday days off so it’s very stressful running all over the shop. We have to host MIL as she’s now widowed and DH is an only child, she can’t cook and her kitchen is a tiny death trap. We can’t take her to my mothers home as it’s absolutely bloody filthy and i’m embarrassed by the clutter everywhere. DH refuses to eat there due to the filth and so do I. So our house it is. I have to laugh when my mother complained she had so much to do...ok well we worked up until 5pm Christmas Eve, tidied the house,on Christmas Day usually I do a full 4course dinner (this year was a Chinese take away) DH picks up mil thensge stays over, we drop her off on Boxing Day then back to work on 27th and DH is out taking his mum shopping. Loads to do, she’s bloody retired with nothing but time. It actually really made me cross. It’s fine for us to work full time, do the meal and the clearing up and bear the expense.

bridgetosomewhere · 27/12/2018 19:04

We had Christmas at home this year and it was so lovely. Xmas day we had one set of parents and Boxing Day the other two.
Didn't have to drive anywhere or leave the dog or drag the dc away from their toys.

Would like to do this every year!!

2K19 · 27/12/2018 19:33

I invited my mother round for Christmas Day (not evening) and she refused, preferring to go to her neighbours. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, she hasn't set for in my house in nearly 8 years. She lives just over a mile away and drives but she is under the impression that it is my duty to drop in on her regularly. Errrrr No.

readsalotgirl63 · 27/12/2018 19:40

Yes - our first Christmas as a married couple we spent going from France where dh was working to SE England to his family then to Scotland to see mine , back to SE England and then back to France. MIL expected us to visit lots of elderly relatives who I didn't know and who dh had avoided visiting for years and it was all pretty stressful - after that we stayed at home and offered to host .

My parents didn't really travel and preferred to stay at home and ILs have been a few times. My parents are no longer with us - but never did any guilt tripping as my dad could never understand why anyone would want to be anywhere else but in their own home - and the telephone had been invented to make keeping in touch easy.

FIL has also now passed away and I do think MIL is a bit passive aggressively matriarchal and makes comments about how it would eb nice for us all to be together to which dh turns a deaf ear as he hates travelling. Have to say it was very convenient that for years dh was in the military and often had to work and now is in a job where he has to take turns to work Christmas Day - and we live in nE Scotland and MIL is in SE England. Skype is a wonderful invention

readsalotgirl63 · 27/12/2018 19:42

Should say my parents broke with family tradition and we were always in our own home for Christmas and actively encouraged us to do our own thing. I love being at home with dh and dd and the cat - bliss

thenightsky · 27/12/2018 19:45

We used to before kids and when kids were small. Once they were school age GPs came to us.

These days adult DC come to us for Xmas or NYE (alternate with their own partners' parents).

This year we opted out completely by booking a holiday in the Caribbean. Got home yesterday. Tempted to do this every year to avoid all the pre-Christmas bollux/panic-buying/over indulging etc.

StoneofDestiny · 27/12/2018 19:51

Always at home with my DH and kids at Christmas (did this even before kids were born).
Visit extended families that live far away late Nov/early Dec for present drop off etc. We've both got lovely families but we love having these days for us.
So Christmas at home is peaceful, hassle free and relaxed.

MrsMaker88 · 27/12/2018 19:55

Just do what you want next year. If you don’t set boundaries you end up resentful.
Explain very briefly why and give enough notice. In time they will come to enjoy doing something else they want to do.

MrsMaker88 · 27/12/2018 19:58

We are on our own all day, the kids like chilling with their new bits. I’d happily host a few people now the kids are older if they seemed at a loose end

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/12/2018 19:59

At home for us!
My mum has finally concluded that she hates hosting and last year came to our house and this year has gone to my sister. It's been quiet, but ohhh sooo lazy and fun.
Plus I haven't had to cater for various family members dubious food intolerances.

EvaHarknessRose · 27/12/2018 20:09

Yeah, I made the mistake of ‘stopping travelling’ at christmas 15 years aho and now gradually every bugger comes to us one by one. AND we now travel to ddad as he can’t get here. Worst of all worlds. Now I need to figure a way to stop hosting.

Original poster

YankeeCandlePong · 27/12/2018 22:27

We do spend Xmas Day at home with DC.
DH and I have been chatting and he said next year we'll do the visits early December.
Or go away for Christmas.
I think the traffic jams we experienced on the way to and from MiLs influenced his decision

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