NYE

[LottieLou90]

Hi all,

This might be a long one so please bear with.

I know we have just finished Christmas but New Years is just around the corner. My DH has suggested a fun night where parents grandparents and children can participate. It doesn’t cost a lot of money, is indoors, so he suggested it on a group chat.

My BIL and his GF have a 6 month old. Their lives are ruled by her. For example they missed out on my FIL 60th meal at 6.30pm because baby has to go to sleep at 6pm. So I planned something for us the next day in the afternoon which they couldn’t attend due to baby nap time. They came over Christmas Day after a time they set due to baby’s nap time, stayed for food then hurried up the presents before leaving because of bedtime.

BIL’s GF has said they can’t go NYE because it’s past baby’s bedtime. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for routine and bedtime. We have a 6 year old and a 5 month old. Both fab and great sleepers thankfully. It’s my SIL’s birthday on NYE too so she is up for it.

I just feel a little flat as everything revolves around baby at the moment. Surely one night or even one occasion would be ok?

I am fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable and have my hard hat on. It just seems that everything has to be around the baby but surely, surely one night would be ok? My DH is feeling sad because he rarely sees his brother anymore despite asking him out for a drink etc.

Thanks for reading this far x

YABU

I’m hoping that them fobbing off invites won’t last as we are constantly asking to meet up / go to theirs / come to us etc x

All this "constantly asking" might be a bit overwhelming to be honest. Maybe take a step back and see if they ask to meet up with you?

It's up to them. Two of DH's siblings prefer to live by their kids routines. If they want to miss out on things then it's no skin off my nose.
SIL once sat outside a restaurant eating in the car as DN was sleeping.
I've been there with over-tired naggy children but we would always take the hit for family events. That was our choice though.

They'll get the hang of socialising again once the baby shock is over. I could hardly function through lack of sleep in the early months.

YANBU. Our baby is seven months old and we’ve always just taken her everywhere with us. She can nap on us, in her pram or her seat or a blanket. It’s a shame new parents make life so difficult for themselves.

Honestly routine can be incredibly important for some babies. Even one day out of whack and it can screw the whole thing up. They obviously feel their routine is important for their DC (and perhaps their own sanity). Leave them be, it doesn’t harm you to have them miss out on the party. Plus NYE isn’t a big deal to everyone.

Have you voiced any of this to them? You come across as judgmental about their parenting choices. if I was your BIL's gf with a new born I'd be wanting to avoid you as your criticism, which I'd be aware of from your attitude even f you haven't voiced it, would make me want to skip any family gatherings.

It’s up to them. After my first I’d have been of a similar viewpoint to you-DD slept great, slept anywhere, and we could ditch her routine when needed. But then our second came along and she’s totally different. She’s 10 months now, and won’t sleep anywhere other than her cot/car, wants to be on the go all the time (i.e not be held or sit and play with toys), and if she’s not in bed by 6.15 she totally melts down. So we hate taking her anywhere after dark and avoid it unless we really have to!

I took my dad everywhere with me when he was a baby not the other way around his first new year was the millennium I spent 12 o’clock with awake did a dog and a cat.

Maybe if parents said baby is an absolute nightmare when not in routine most people would understand mind you I can’t understand why bil wouldn’t come by himself to fil 60th for a couple of hours

We both haven’t voiced it because we thought we would leave them be. I just thought NYE, even for an hour or 2 would be nice to get everyone together.

I don’t criticise her parenting at all. We are all different and want what’s best for our children. Maybe I just feel one night would be ok to see the new year in with family. But like I said with the consensus I am being unreasonable and I will leave them be and let them contact us when they are ready x

I'm quite chilled about taking my baby everywhere with me and routines are a laughable dream in my house. But I am finding it really hard people constantly inviting me out, particularly to things that involve drinking for a number of reasons - maybe these will help you understand:

• I co sleep so can't drink.
• my baby hates sleep so I'm constantly tired.

-my partner and I get so little time alone that actually when we have half a night we want to hang out together.

• baby hates sleep so don't like leaving him with family as I know he will have a bad night.

The people I see the most at the moment are the people who call me up, give me a say in what we are doing and give me loads of notice. The other people will either be there when he's older and more settled or they will drift on... I am simply too tired and more concerned about my baby to think about them.

Our family has had four babies in three years. We just crack on with family events, if they can make it wonderful, if not fine, if they are late or have to leave early that is fine too.

This was us and still is to quite an extent 5 years and 2 kids later. My kids need routine to sleep. I need sleep. End of.

You may have a good sleeper but maybe they don't , routine can really make the difference to having a shit night sleep and a really shit night sleep !

Also sometimes going out with babies isn't much of a pleasure , maybe they would rather just not bother and chill at home

YABU, but it sounds like you know that so that's good

Some people stick to routines more rigidly than others, that's just the way it is. My now 3 year old DS didn't have much of a day time routine at that age but his night time was gospel and he'd always been/ always has been a fantastic sleeper/settler so I'm glad. I wouldn't have taken him out to an evening thing, and still wouldn't now to be honest. It's one of the reasons we haven't been abroad, I've never been willing to go out with him for a late meal and just have him sleep in the push chair. If I took him to an evening occasion even now, if it went later than about 8pm he would be knackered and no one would enjoy it, least of all him. We took him to a family wedding at 21 months old and he couldn't nap at his usual time and he had a rubbish day as a result. His routine can limit our days but surely that's what being a parent is about - putting your child first?!

DH nor I have never missed out on the important things eg weddings, friends' burthdays. Either one of us will go or we organise a grandparent to babysit.

Mine were horrors if they weren't asleep by a certain time and then impossible to settle. Nye, where one of you needs to stay sober whilst most others are drinking, in a strange house for the baby, sleeping on someones sofa sounds like hell to me. I wouldn't go either.

I think YABU but befor DD2 I would’ve said you weren’t. DD1 didn’t need a strict routine, she could go with the flow and it was great. DD2 on the other hand really needs routine. If she doesn’t nap at roughly the right times, for the right amount of time or has her mealtimes messed up she’s difficult to handle and it pretty much ruins any events/the reason why we interrupted the routine, for us and 9 times out of 10 it’s just not worth it. There’s no particular reason she’s like this, they’re just different beings.

Things change after kids, you know this and although it’d be nice for you and PIL, I’m guessing you won’t be dealing with the consequences either. It won’t be forever, chances are as the child gets older, they’ll become more flexible. Or at least that’s what I’m holding out for!