To take this as an insult?

[Zaratallzara]

Fil is forever giving us unsolicited advice.

For context, dh and I have been together a long time. I've got older dc and feel that myself and dh are confident and competent parents.

Since youngest dc was born fil just hasn't stopped.

When I had a break from breastfeeding because I as sore he told me I should start breastfeeding again because it was much easier.
At 12 months old we needed to, and I quote "get dc walking now", like he did with dh.
6 months was too late for weaning.
Needed to get dc out of nappies (dc was toilet trained before 3 without fil input)
Needing to get dc out of pull ups at night
Holding baby too much.
What school dc should go to (despite not living in the area or having any knowledge of local schools).

I'm sure there's more.

What makes me really angry is that when we explain our reasons for doing things, he always has to have the last say and ends the conversation with "well I think..."

He also brings things up every time we see him.

He's talking out of his arse, we are perfectly capable parents and know our dc best, what with us being with them most of the time and basing our decisions on their needs, and current up to date advice.

Dh says to ignore it but I can't, I take it as an insult. Why does he think he knows better than the actual parents?

How often do you see him ? If it’s not a lot. I would just ignore him. I would not be happy in fil gave me advice on BF tbh.

It's hard to ignore constant criticism, could you tell him to back off and that you're the parent and you'll do what you see fit?
How would that pan out do you think?

Why does he think he knows better than the actual parents? Because he is an actual parent, he probably considered all the latest advice when he brought up his children, and because he has a lot of years under his belt.

Advice has changed hugely over the generation. When your children have their own children, you'll find that advice has changed again, and that no matter how competent and confident you feel you are, you will be out of tune with how your children are managing their children.

There's no point in feeling insulted. You'll mess up the relationship with your children's grandparent, and you'll find plenty of other opportunities to feel insulted in the rest of your life.

He is a parent, of his children, and all children are different.

I'm well aware that advice has changed because advice has changed since my older dc were small.

Still, it's difficult to ignore when someone constantly tells you you're doing it wrong.

Just smile and nod. Life is too short to get worked up about petty things.

He isn’t trying to insult you, he probably sees it as trying to help. As a family member, he wants to be involved & thinks it’s ok.
I learned to say “mmm”, to smile sweetly & change the subject. Then do exactly as I pleased.
First time I’ve heard of a man advising on bf though. Is he a widower?

He's going to carry on regardless. I don't know you but the tone of your message suggests a confidence in your parenting. I would carry on what you're doing and turn it into a joke with DH every time he mentions something.

You could rock the boat but you may not wish to put a strain on the family.

It's not rocking the boat by telling someone you don't appreciate their advice.

I think you should say something - say that you're grateful that he takes such an interest but that you are perfectly capable and don't need advice on how to bring up your dc.

I'd just smile, nod and continue doing things my way.

Just don't get into a discussion with him about this stuff. Shut him down: "I think I'll be the judge of that", "we're happy with our decision thanks", "No fil, we've already decided which school" and so on, then change the subject. Don't give reasons, explanations or justifications for things that aren't any of his business and avoid telling him too much about your plans or any decisions you're weighing up so that he doesn't get an opportunity to chip in with his opinions.

This is what we do with my dad who has an opinion on everything (though to be fair even he wouldn't feel entitled to tell me whether I should bf or not ). He's the type that if you mentioned in passing that you planned to paint a room he'd tell you what colour to choose and argue with you if you said you didn't like yellow! We just avoid giving him an 'in' now.

No seniorschoolmum mil stays very quiet though.

He had lots to say about my breastfeeding actually. Told me it was easier, told me I should be breastfeeding to a four hourly routine, then when I carried on bfeeding until 10 months, told me I needed to stop now.

This is not me being sexist. This is a fact. How would he know that breast feeding is "easier".

Not even I as women could say that, as I've never breast fed either. Therefore I wouldn't have clue which was easier than the other.

This is not about you, it’s about him. Let it go, otherwise it will eat you up. You need to repeat “not my circus, not my monkeys”

The thought of my fil giving me breastfeeding advice 🤮yuk!

Everything else apart, and I can understand why it all annoys you OP, I'm still trying to workout how you're supposed to get a 12month old to 'start walking now'. How does that work?

Oh I couldn't cope with the breastfeeding advice. I would have to tell him to keep his opinions about that to himself.

He had lots to say about my breastfeeding actually. Told me it was easier, told me I should be breastfeeding to a four hourly routine, then when I carried on bfeeding until 10 months, told me I needed to stop now.

"FIL when you were breastfeeding, you had a chance to do it your way. Now I'm breastfeeding I will do it my way. And when I have a free moment I will explain to you the best way to pee standing up."

And smile.

I like Fairenoughs answer.

But I can't imagine confiding that my nipples were sore to my fil.

I have found the best response to people like this is to say "hmm yes" and swiftly move convo on. I used to get very defensive and explain why I did things my way but it falls on deaf ears and they just keep going on. Now when anyone gives me advice I just nod along and then don't follow it.

Don’t explain your reasons for doing things your way . Make very little response to his “suggestions” . But tr6 to let it go over your head as I don’t think it’s meant as an insult.
Is he someone who is a bit controlling anyway and usually has an opinion on everything

As CookPassBabtridge say. Just nod and say hmm, interesting, I’ll bear it in mind then change subject - did you see x on tv last night FIL? It’s only a problem if you engage and let it be a problem.

Yanbu it is very insulting and patronising, I’d feel the same. My fil is a bit like this too. Always has to make out that whatever he did with dh was the Ultimate in parenting and of course we could nowhere near get near his level of brilliance, we must do the exact same thing. Then when told xyz is not going to suit us he just looks perplexed.
I felt quite insulted too, as he was going off about dh did so great in school and I said well great, so are our dc they’re getting on very well and he had the cheek to go “no, I don’t believe you” - that was the final straw for me, I had to tell him very clearly keep his opinions to himself and do not come to my home and insult my kids again!
If you’re firm but polite in telling him go back off, hopefully he will understand he has to back off
It is infuriating though, I can really sympathise

Marcipex just to clarify, I didn't tell fil my nipples were sore.

However during the first few weeks after the both in laws were in my house a lot so it became clear when I was and wasn't breastfeeding, I didn't give any reasons when asked why, other than I was having difficulties. It was fil who took it upon himself to tell me breastfeeding was so much easier.

Pigsdofly I've no idea how you teach a 12 month old to walk. I think it involves dangling the child by their arms while you walk up and down the room with them, going by fils method.