Names for Grandparents / Horrible Grandmother... Advice please

[Itisnearlybedtimeyet]

This is a bit complicated. My DD has 3 sets of grandparents as my parents divorced and remarried when I was just a baby.

I am an expat living in, say Spain (not actually Spain). Married to a man from Germany (again, not actually Germany, just an example). I am from UK.

My sister is also an expat. She lives in Poland (not actually Poland) with a man who is Polish. They have a DS who my DM and DSF seem to dramatically favour over my DD. Which is hardly surprising as my DM has always favoured my sister over me and this is reflected very dramatically in her behaviour to the point where other people (my DH and sisters partner, as well as several family friends) have commented on it being really unpleasant and awkward and sometimes even upsetting to watch.

The couple of times my DM has met my DD they have been almost cruel to her, making nasty comments when she cries, getting offended if she does literally ANYTHING other than sit quietly on their lap (if she goes off to play, wriggles, wants to get down or God forbid cries they take it like a personal insult and make nasty comments about her ridiculous behaviour.). I went to their house for Christmas and was pretty gutted to find that they had gifted sis tens of thousands of pounds to buy a new house because they wanted her DS to have a nice family home (theirs is already fine) and that their house was full of pics of my sis and her DS but literally none of me or DD. I didn't say anything and won't as I'm used to it but I felt really secretly hurt now that it affects my DD too. I think this might be relevant to why I'm annoyed by this next bit.

My DD calls her grandparents on her father's side the German words for Grandma and Grandpa. She calls my DF and DSM Grandma and Grandpa. She hasn't got a name for DM and DSF because they never really see her.

DM is a snob and refuses to be called Grandma or nan or anything like this and mocks people who use these names as she thinks they're naff. She mentioned the other day that she wants my DD to call her and DSF by the Polish word for grandma and grandpa like my nephew does.

I don't know why this really annoyed me - maybe because I think it will confuse my DD but mainly because it just seems like another way that she's putting my sis and her lifestyle and family before mine. Why should my DD get told off for not using words in a language that she doesn't even know? She's already learning 3 languages. I'd be happy for her to call my DM English, Spanish, or even German words as they are in the languages my DD is familiar with and learning but I think it's just a bit shitty to expect her to use the polish words just because my DM likes the name. I know it's her choice what she is called but I think I'm just getting to the end of my tether with her and this name thing is just the straw that broke the camel's back. She is SO controlling towards me (never to my sister) to the point where when I went to visit her for Xmas (her idea, I didn't want to , but she got her way like she always does through manipulation and tears), I wasn't even allowed out without her permission, wasn't given a key to her house so I could only come and go when she said (hadn't wanted to stay there in the first place for this reason but again was manipulated into it and did it to keep the peace) she was horrible to my DH and DD as usual, and had a go at me to the point of tears, shouting, insults and complaining to family and friends if I dared go to visit other people unless she had arranged the visits for me. she deliberately locked me out the house on Christmas Eve because she told me I had to be home from visiting DF by 5pm and because I wasn't she locked us out and we had to stay at DFs and travel to hers Xmas morning. (Sister had none of this and was given a key and free to come and go.)

She has been manipulative and controlling and frequently abusive to me for my whole life and never to my sister and she constantly undermines me and everything I do and favours my sister. I just feel like this name thing - it seems like it's just another way to have control and to show that she values my sister and her life over mine. I know it's petty but it just makes me so angry!

I'm thinking of going LC or even NC with her as she is so bad for my mental health - when I am with her I am frequently humiliated and an anxious wreck, spend a lot of time crying and having panic attacks (which never happens when I'm not with her) and it's not good for me, it breaks DHs heart and I hate my DD seeing me like this and being treated horribly too.

So WIBU to put my foot down over this name thing while I try and figure out what to do about my mum (LC or NC I mean). I'm sick of her undermining and controlling me and it just drives me mad that my DD will be scolded if she doesnt learn words in a language she doesn't know to please DM and DSF even though they never bother with her and are frequently horrible to her which really confuses and upsets her. She can choose her own name from 3 bloody languages that my DD can talk so it's not like she doesn't have options. Oh and so as not to drip feed DD was born first and so it's not like DM had got used to the Polish name or anything.

She always makes out like I'm a terrible person and it took me so many years to build my confidence back up so I I am being unreasonable please tell me as I don't want to give her even more of a reason to criticize and insult me. I just want some opinions because when it comes to DM I lose all faith in myself.

What would you do?

If they don’t value you, cut them off. If they care, they’ll make the effort to connect, if they don’t, what have you lost?

Have a similar situation with my mom - my brother is the golden child, I have visiting hours.

Get rid.

Let the child decide

I suggest your child refers to your mother as "Who?"

Whateverletmepost - thanks for your comment! You're totally right. She doesn't care and only gets in contact when she wants to demand I do something - it's like she is testing me to see what she can still make me do? I think getting rid might be the best option. I've tried for 28 years to please her and a part of me is still trying which is why I have let her treat me so badly but I'm just reaching the point where she's the only source of negativity and anxiety in my life and you're right - I need to get rid! Sorry to hear you have the same situation. It's horrible, isn't it?

Chocolate stash - yes, that's a good idea, and what we had originally planned to so. My DD wants to /instinctively goes to call them the German or English words but my DM doesn't like it and just makes a nasty comment about the English words and has only recently started to demand she uses the 'Polish' words which DD can't even remember so I'd have to keep drilling it into her. She will forget (she's very small and already trying to learn 3 languages) and DM WILL use it as an excuse to scold her because she does with everything else! So I think I'd have to actively say "No, we are not using these words" because unless we clearly state that, she will assume DD just isn't bothering/has forgotten and it will be DD who faces her wrath 🙄 She really is very unpleasant!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys 😂 you know, I think I agree!

It goes way beyond what name your mother demands to be called.. she sounds really unpleasant and doesn't deserve to be known as the affectionate name of Grandma, Oma, whatever.
She hardly sees your DD and it's shitty when she does. There isn’t a relationship, and if one develops, it's going to be horrible.
You're only getting pain out of it, and you don't want the same for your DD.
YANBU. I would stop contact now before she does to your daughter what she has done to you.... your DD has other sets of grandparents to dote on her and treat her properly.

This naming business will be a moot point, once you set proper boundaries in place.

Do your research on LC, and NC (and other strategies). It’s not as simple or obvious as it sounds. It takes definite decisions, and sticking to it even when you don’t want to. But it can be miraculous for your mental health!

Frankly, I’d be NC over the financial favouritism alone. It’s their money to give as they please, but I wouldn’t accept having my nose rubbed in it. How freeing it would be to never ever find out what they’re giving her, hey? Since they’re not going to change, and you can’t change them, just plan to stay away.

Try the outofthefog website. It’s eye-opening.

I think you need to re-read what you have written. Why put your DD through a repeat of what you have gone through with your mother? Even if you can’t cut her out because of her behaviour and attitude towards yourself, you need to go NC for your DDs sake.

If you would never treat your DD the way your mother does you, don’t give your mother the chance to do it to your daughter. Your DD deserves better, and you deserve to live a happy life, away from the source of your anxiety. Go NC and enjoy your life.

@itisnearlybedtimeyet I’m sorry you’re going through it too. If it helps, I have never felt more free and happy than I did after I cut her off. I felt reborn. It was so worth it and I wish I had done it sooner. We CAN heal, and this is a very effective way of doing so. You deserve so much more

Have you seen the program Friday Night Dinner? The family on it have one granny that they all refer to as 'Horrible Grandma'. I think that would fit the bill nicely from what you've said...

Don't get too bogged down in the name issue though - it's not the actual problem here (which you know, of course). If everything else was hunky dory it wouldn't be a big issue for your DD to share the name her cousin calls Granny, even if it's not one of her 3 languages. The issue is that your mother treats you badly and you feel like a helpless child around her.

My mum went LC/NC with various horrible family members and as an adult I am SO GLAD I haven’t had to interact with them.

DH’s mum kept in contact with her horrible relatives, and he put his foot down as a teenager and refused to see them (he stayed at home when they went to visit). Everything I’ve seen of his horrible family as an adult has confirmed that he made the right decision (he has plenty of nice family who he does see, but the ones he went NC with caused a really unpleasant scene at the hospice and then managed to ruin his mum’s funeral).

Get rid, and give her no further thought. Certainly never expose your DD to her again when you have seen how she treats her.

I think you need to have some counselling to try and understand why you allow yourself to be treated like this. Then you may feel able to go NC as l get the feeling that you still don't want too even though it is affecting you and now your own child.

The naming issue is a red herring, your child would be no more confused by using the Polish term than using any other name.
You need to decide if you actually want a relationship with your mother or not and then carry through with firm boundaries.

I agree with others, LC or NC. Then DD does not have to come up with a name

I've nver done this before, but it sounds like you and your dd will be a lot better off if you go no contact. Who needs three pairs of grandparents anyway?

Go NC - don’t allow your dd to have a relationship with these people. It will damage her.

it's a shame this woman is a nasty person. however if you do choose to see her then yes she has the right to choose what name to be known as by children in the family.

I see nothing wrong at all with being addressed with the polish word for grandma. I have a grandma of Russian heritage who we always used to address by the Russian word for grandma and neither she nor we spoke any other word of Russian - it's ridiculous to object on the grounds of not wanting a DC to have to learn another language. Its just a name effectively.

Whether you even see her again is a separate issue, obviously. But if you do then go along with her choice of how she should be addressed. That's really not a thing worth creating contention over.

Put the name thing aside. Honestly on this point alone your mum isnt being unreasonable. Your dd doesn't have to learn polish, just the two words grandma and grandpa which are no more difficult or strange to your daughter than for example learning their first names. She wont even understand at this age about languages and that "babcia" means "grandma" in polish, it will just be a name to her, the same way she might learn anyone's name. She has to call them something.

Aside from this she sounds awful! Why do you keep in contact with her. This for once reasonable request seems an odd straw to have broken the camels back.

Thank you so much for your replies! You've basically confirmed what I've thought for a long time.

Counselling is something I'm seriously considering as I have so much anger and hurt bottled up because of the way she has treated me since childhood. I think a part of me let her treat me like this because I feel like if I keep trying then maybe I can somehow save the relationship and it will make up for all the wrongs of the past and all the horrible things she has done, but realistically I know that it won't. Now I have a child of my own I feel even more anger towards her as I just can't comprehend how she could treat any child how she treated me. I am finally ready to get her out of our lives but know that she will make out that I am the absolute devil to anyone who will listen, so I think I just needed to read these comments from people with an impartial view so I could see for myself that I'm not being unreasonable and that I am doing the right thing.

And you're all right that my daughter deserves better then to be exposed to her. I think NC is the way to go rather than LC and I'll start researching the best way to go about it now like a PP suggested.

You're right that she doesn't need three sets of grandparents ... If I went NC with my mother she would have two sets who adore her and treat her wonderfully. All my mother brings to the table is to be horrible to all of us and make us all feel awful, and try to control us into not seeing the other grandparents even though she doesn't want to see us either.

Also, SleepWarrior, the Friday Night Dinner comment made me laugh! I have seen Friday Night Dinner and she reminds me of a cross between Horrible Grandma and Bitchface (you know the woman who is always being bitchy to everyone and who drives a Mercedes and refers to it as "the Mercedes" at any chance. My mother also owns a Mercedes and does this 😂). That's one thing I've always said (in private to DH) about my mum - she's so unpleasant that it's almost like it's not real - she's like a character from a comedy!

Anyway thank you all again. I am so grateful that you took the time to reply and tell me what I needed to hear! I'm going to get her out of our lives and focus on giving my daughter the life that she deserves without someone like her trying to bring us all down.

I'm letting my relationship with my DF slide for various reasons, including the fact that he never actually interacts with DS.

Your DD has other GPs who love her. NC before she really notices her GM's treatment of her is best.

Have yourself or anyone who has noticed this ever confronted her about it? Not that it would prob do any good

Get some counselling OP on setting boundaries. You are an adult and it’s ok to say no to her. There’s a phrase “no is a complete sentence”. So she says “I want dd to use same polish word for grandma” your response is “no”. That’s it. You don’t have to explain. After all that palava and after giving your sister many thousands it’s time for you to start standing up to her. No no no. You now do what you want and what makes you and your family happy. Start disengaging. Don’t answer messages immediately etc. Start investing more time in the relationships that give you joy. Your DF and your husbands family. Go see them lots more and leave her out. Put up lots of photos of your dd and other family around your house and leave her out. See how she bloody likes it. She’s a cow and from now on she stops getting her own way. Let her scream and cry. So what? Start having stock replies for behaviour. She starts crying at something you do the response is “come back and talk to me when you’ve stopped having a tantrum” I can’t belueve she’s given your sister that money. I also suggest you see your sister outside of your mother being there. Does she try and get in the middle of your relationship with your sister?

Oh and I read your post about how you and your DH privately refer to her as bitchface. Stop doing it privately. Tell her. If it was me I’d be sending this “after your performance this Christmas I’ve decided to no longer have any contact with you. Your blatant favouritism of my sister and her child over my family is quite frankly disgusting. Only abusive people would do and act like you did. My family want nothing to do with you anymore and not only will my daughter not be using the Polish word for grandmother for you she will grow up referring to you as bitchface as the rest of us do. You’ve always been horrible to me, I can barely stand you, and I’m not letting you treat my daughter like you’ve done this Christmas. You horrible horrible woman. Don’t contact me again”
Get rid of her. Horrid woman.

Tell your mother your DD won't need to call her anything because she won't be seeing her!
She sounds awful to be honest.

Why are you putting your child through the same experience that was so horrendous for you ?

The name is a trivial issue in comparison.

It sounds as though you would benefit from counselling to help you figure out how to disentangle yourself from this situation, before you bring up a child whose self-esteem is irreparably damaged.