HURRY UP MIL and stop taking us for fools.

[Pa10ma]

I’ve posted about MIL before, so apologies, but these last couple of days have been a joke. MIL is 70, but I swear to god, she doesn’t look a day over 50 (mostly natural) and she has no health problems. For weeks, I have taken her here, there and everywhere to do her Xmas shopping and the woman has more energy than me (I’m 44), walking up escalators unphased. In fact, some people have asked if we’re sisters and they’re probably not joking.

My problem is, and I’ve had years of this, is that as soon as DH is anywhere about she does the “woe is me act” - ie. acts anxious, frail and walks at the pace of a snail. This is how ridiculous it is - the other night when DH and BIL went out for a drink, MIL was doing “Strictly Come Dancing” around the house inc showing the DC samba moves, spins, the whole thing. She’s an ex dancer and she’s still got it at 70. Today however, we went for a walk and she did the whole blatant act about not being able to get in or out of the car, then, as usual, walked at the absolute pace of a snail, through Hyde Park, gripping into DH’s arm for dear life and monopolising him. It’s really difficult to walk super-slowly like that when you have 4 DC. If you walk off, she will think it’s rude. I’m not expecting much, just for DH to try and encourage her to act normally. It’s so obvious, but he doesn’t get it.

Another instance of how she monopolises people is that she won’t fly alone so DH or BIL always have to fly with her. She is soon to fly back with BIL and family to their home country to stay into the New Year, but then DH will have to make the 7 hour flight to collect her and bring her back in Jan. He travels enough anyway without this.
She also still has “panic attacks” about burglars in the night fairly frequently and calls DH to go down the road to her place in the middle of the night, even though he’s put her in a very safe apartment with security. Pre-Xmas she did this twice in December. She has no mental health problems diagnosed.

I think she’s a very manipulative woman. This is my gut instinct and even the DC were in the park earlier and I can tell SIL is dreading taking her back with them, but DH and BIL don’t see anything untoward. Firstly, AIBU that this is stressing me? I’ve eaten 3 tons of Rescue Remedy pastilles since the weekend. Secondly, how can I get DH to realise what his mother is like?

Sorry this is so long, but this is the bare bones if it. AIBU and please help if you have similar situations.

You need to surreptitiously video her busting some moves and stream them to all the family

Hi
My best friends MIL does this
Video on phone her antics to play to husband later !!

yes do what breakfast says.

Video her when your DH or his brother aren’t around. Lots of videos.
Then sit down and play them all to your DH and encourage him to speak to her.
My MIL uses illness to get attention and it is infuriating. DH has cottoned on now, and doesn’t play along.
If your DH says things like ‘as you find walking round the park so difficult, I’ll go alone with the DCs and see you later at home’ or similar, she’ll soon stop.
And I’d offer to pay for somebody else to chaperone her on flights. Once ahe doesn’t get your DH’s undivided attention for 7 hours plus, she’ll soon be ok to fly alone

Bloody hell, your dh is going to faff about holding your MIL's hand on the plane when you have 4 children to wrangle and he's away a lot anyway??

Sorry to swear but fuck that shit. She's going on a plane, not paddling a canoe solo across the Pacific. What help does she need? Tell dh to book assistance at the airport (it's a PITA as they keep putting you in a corral and leaving you to wait - she may decide she can do it herself).

Agree about lots of 'love you MIL!!' sharing videos of her living life to the full.

Yes I have thought if this and I should have filmed her. The thing is, DH will admit she’s a “bit eccentric”, but he plays along with it. Sometimes I think he’s as bad as her. But I have contact with her most days when he’s at work / away and when someone is not actually your own mother, it’s very tiring and he could do more to take a stand to help me out.

But what can you do? Seriously
You’re not going to change her
So you just have to accept the situation

So she has you both dancing round to her tune?
Maybe you could start by dropping your own contact with her. Then speak to your DH about stepping up and supporting you and his 4(!) children rather than prioritising his mum. I am aghast that he is going to fly out to accompany her home on her flight. Fuck that!

Re the panic attacks re. Being broken in to - why do you doubt that?

Offer to book her as an accompanied traveller. Its similar to what you can do for unaccompanied DC. They will get her a wheelchair if needed and escort her to and from the plane and she will get extra checks by cabin crew. No need for your DH to fly out and get her. There are 10 yr olds flying unaccompanied, is she really saying she doesnt have the capacity of a 10 yr old??

Yes MIL does this too but I just ignore her antics.

Re the panic attacks re. Being broken in to - why do you doubt that?

Probably because of the rest of the behaviours - it's a bit of a 'boy who cried wolf' scenario.

Every time she plays pathetic and your DH responds, she is getting positive feedback, which fuels her behaviour. Only he can break the cycle.

Bloody hell I don't know what the solution is but that would drive me mad too - especially if DH can't see it! I would probably film her sambaring around the house and put it on the family whatsapp though!

She’s very worried about being burgled or mugged in general. I would say slightly paranoid. She has quite a lot of jewellery in her flat which she’s always worrying about. We’ve offered to keep it here in a safe for her, but her late DH gave her most of it and she won’t be parted from it. It’s very difficult. I think sometimes she just wants company in the night. The background is that when she first came back to the UK, she was going to live in our basement which we were converting for her (with her input), but then she changed her mind because she said our house had too many stairs! So this is why she lives where she does. We’ve since moved (locally) and she has intimated she may move in here as she gets older, but whether this will actually ever happen, I don’t know. Usually when she calls DH it’s about 11pm, but there have been quite a few occasions when it’s been in the early hours and she says she doesn’t know what time it is.

when the dh and bil comes home from the pub "oh you should have see your mum dancing around the house!she hs more energy then me and the kids."

Agree it's pathetic about the flying. If it was her first time on a plane or an unfamiliar airport then maybe fair enough but otherwise that's just crazy. I hope she pays. My gran could barely walk and used to do a 24 hour flight right up til she died at 85 years old. I think it will be difficult to change her behaviour or how your husband sees her but this is an easy win to book her on as a special assistance passenger

You know what I’d say let her be. She just wants a bit of attention, and fuss from her son. If she is affecting day to day life, then I’d tackle it. But as it’s every now and then I’d indulge her. She is 70 and it can be lonely.

And I speak as someone who’s got ILs from hell!

DH seems to think his mother can’t fly alone. She is 70 and I do realise this is a factor and you can lose confidence as you get older. But is this normal? What do most people do in this situation? She used to always be with her DH on flights, but now it’s one of the sons and they can’t just put her in the place, they have to go to and from New York and it’s exhausting.

My MIL used to do this, I think it was because she was lonely and wanted the company. DFIL died, and left a huge hole in her life, he did everything for her, so she expected DH to take over a lot of what he did. The majority fell upon me as I didn't work and she was fine, but when she knew DH was around, she would become quite pathetic and needy. She never stopped being like this sadly, it just got worse, but DH didn't like to upset her. The final 18 months of her life were particularly hard, she wasn't a well woman, and refused to accept any help apart from myself and DH despite,professionals telling her she needed it.

If you can, break the cycle now, it's not nice resenting your in laws through neediness or ill health.

As we say often on MN, you don’t have a MIL problem you have a Dh problem.

Your Dh chooses not to see her issues as it suits him fine. You get the work and the hassle and he gets to be a dutiful son.

You need to make sure that HE runs after her, takes her shopping, takes her for walks. Don’t let him go out for a drink while you stay home to entertain his Mother.

Don’t say that you can’t take her shopping . Just say that you would love to but [ insert plausible excuse ]. So Dh will have to do it.

You need to disengage and let him engage. You will soon discover that he becomes a lot less sympathetic when he is the one who is inconvenienced .

You already have your hands full with 4 children and a husband that works alway a lot.

You know you're allowed to say no to helping her out so much.

Why are you saying yes? Is it because you feel like you have to "be nice", it's "your duty" etc etc.

Bugger that for a lark,

No is your new favourite word.

Your husband obviously doesn’t mind flying to NYC and back while you look after the 4 kids at home. Otherwise he wouldn’t do it. Of course people in their 70s and 80s fly alone all the time !

So stop worrying about his exhaustion and start worrying about your own stress.

So you dh is her dh substitute?!

No, it is NOT normal to chaperone a fit and healthy relative on flights of any length.
Out of interest, who pays for the extra flight? Your MIL or your DH (family money)?