AIBU to think this is not defending me?

[Liverpudlian1]

I’m a Muslim and don’t celebrate Christmas, DH is white English and converted before I met him. He is close to his mum and still pops round for Christmas to “keep her company”, I stayed home yesterday. I don’t get on with his family, after years of talking behind my back, calling me names and starting arguments with me I’ve distanced myself from them. When they do come round, I don’t really speak to them, quick hi and that’s it. This is the type of family that loves to gather around and gossip about people who are not there to defend themselves, so he went round there yesterday. It was his mum, mums ex boyfriend, 2 sisters and their children.

So they start talking, SIL asks if I’ve lost weight (I’m a size 20) DH says yes, then MIL says “no she didnt, I saw her last week. She’s still fat, she hasn’t got a shape” ( I’m quite round all over) then DH says “ she does, she’s not fat she’s thick (as in curvy)” AIBU to think this is not defending me? This is him trying to minimise things and make them think it’s not as bad as they think it is?

It’s like if someone or my family said “your DH has got a big nose (he doesn’t btw) and I say, no he hasn’t if you look at it from a different angle it doesn’t look that big” ? I’m sick and tired of this, in his mind he’s defending me and I should be happy but I don’t believe it’s defending me? I just feel like if he grew a pair and told his family not to talk about me like that, they wouldn’t keep making sly digs at me all the time. But every time they badmouth me it’s like he’s trying to explain why it’s like this or why I’m like that etc .

I don't think it was very helpful of him t run home and tell you about it. I think the best thing to do would be to refuse to engage in offensive conversations like that.

"Has Liverpuldlian lost weight?"
"That's none of your business"

Then don't go home and tell you about it as it serves no purpose.

He grew up with celebrating xmas while you didn’t and so he probably likes the idea of a roast dinner with a family etc, and as he can get this from his mum he goes there. From the conversation he relayed I think he doesn’t enjoy it.

There’s nothing wrong with you, as a muslim, doing a roast meal on xmas (all of my muslim family and friends do this) even if you don’t celebrate the religious aspects — next year suggest a family xmas with DP, just you and him, make an effort and he won’t then need to spend the day with his family. I think it’s best to low no contact with his family just based on the comments they like to make about you; it’s not healthy for either of you.

What did you want him to say? Size 20 - super slim? I must be missing the point?

Why on earth did he feel the need to tell you about the conversation?? To me that's horrible, like he enjoys making you feel like shit???

Your DH is a dick. Why would he repeat that to you knowing it would hurt your feelings? All he had to do was come home and say 'They asked after you and said Hi'. They may not be very welcoming but he is up for stoking the fire of hostility.

There was no need for your DH to tell you about this so that is unreasonable on his part but I'm sorry your a size 20 what was he meant to say? No she's really slim? I think he handled it fine apart from telling you about it.

What did you want him to say?

Er fuck off and don’t be so nasty about my wife?

Size 20 - super slim? I must be missing the point?

You are. It’s none of your business, neither is it theirs. OP can lose weight (if she so chooses), might be a bit tougher for you to shift that nasty streak you have.

To be fair, a size 20 is fat. Perhaps he was trying in a clumsy way to tell you to lose weight? Maybe he thought it would be a gentler approach if he said oh mum and I were talking and she said etc. Were you this big when you got together?

I dont mean to be nasty, dear. Im a size 16 and i consider myself to the fat side. I would not be hurt, as it is true.
Still dont understand what he should habe said.. usually i dont say fuck off to people, but you go ahead..

OP didn’t ask if she was fat.

Somehow it’s ok to be snide to people who are bigger but not with anything else?

If I walked up to someone and started listing their physical flaws would that be ok?

“Ugh look at your sticky out teeth”
“Oh your nose is MASSIVE”
“Ugh eat something you’re so skinny it’s horrible”
“God you’re ugly”

No?

It’s what a lot of you have been doing. Nasty fuckers.

You'll get no sympathy here OP.

Well firstly he shouldn't have told you about this conversation, wtf??

Secondly "Mind your own business, don't dare speak negatively about my wife" is the only response acceptable.

They are nobs, he's not much better but he clearly didn't lick it off a stone

It is not mean to say i am fat. I am also blonde. Also not mean to say. But you put loads od feelings into the words - as you feel it is mean. Because you think fat is ugly. I dont. Says more about you lot..

I'm sorry your a size 20 what was he meant to say? No she's really slim?

Oh come on don't be ridiculous. He should say "her weight is none your business". Yes OP is overweight but that doesn't give her in laws license to be insulting about her. Her weight is literally none of their business. People use health as an excuse to be rude to people who are larger but when it comes to drinking or not sleeping enough somehow it's not OK to comment on other people's lifestyles.

TeamSpirit are you honesty trying to say that deliberately being nasty (which they were) about OP and mocking her isn’t what it is?

You can feel smug that you wouldn’t tell someone to fuck off all you like. Personally I’d find nasty little passive aggressive digs worse, it’s petty, childish and snide.

Team. It is not a NICE thing to say you are fat though? Why does it need to be mentioned? It is merely being used in this instance to be really nasty. If you don't object to it, thats up to you. OP DOES object to it.

Oh and by the way, I’m fat and couldn’t care less what anyone thinks.

What matters is that OP is upset, and some really fucking nasty posters have decided to have fun making her feel worse.

Anonymous Internet forums really have given a platform to some properly nasty fuckers

I am not getting it, so i wont comment anymore. I just dont think it is rude to say someone is big, blond, looking tired, or whatever. I think people who feel bad about them self are rather tender to comments. I am not, even though i am a size 16. Im fat. So?

It's not like I'm delusional about my size, of course I know I'm big. The problem is why is he trying to explain it away by saying " no she's thick/big boned". Why not just say "mind your own business".

I don't care about him going to his mums for Christmas, that's his choice. I always dread him going there tbh, he always comes back with something that has been said about me.

He needs to stop telling tales OP, that in itself is hurtful.

He also needs to tell his family that you are not fair game to be spoken about so nastily.

Poor OP I get the feeling she's a bit of an outsider with this insular family. I know she doesn't celebrate Christmas but why is she left at home? A family meal doesn't need to just be about religion.
Also your dh shouldn't have repeated that. It was cruel and unnecessary. Your weight has nothing to do with anyone but you.
I haven't been well lately and don't have much of an appetite but have been eating small portions so as not to be rude.
I have been accused of having eating problems and getting pale and skinny. I m a size 12. People just love to gossip.

I am not getting it, so i wont comment anymore. I just dont think it is rude to say someone is big, blond, looking tired, or whatever. I think people who feel bad about them self are rather tender to comments. I am not, even though i am a size 16. Im fat. So?

Come on it's not that difficult to understand. The term fat, especially as used by OP's in laws is deliberately insulting. They are deliberately putting her down and pointing out her flaws. It's not the same as a descriptive term e.g. a doctor describing you as overweight.

OP they’re horrible and rude. Tell your dh to please do as he pleases but not come home and tell you about it as it hurts your feelings. They’re vile, and you’re right to try and have as little interaction as possible with these people.

Sorry OP just read your update. Of course you wouldn't want to hang out with this nasty lot.
Can you tell dh you don't want to hear about his family's remarks, that it's not ok to talk about you or your shape anyway?
My dd had a friend who s mother used to make me mad! Dd would go to their house as a teenager and the mum would always comment "Oh Emma you ve put on weight" even when she hadn't. My dd is a size 16, curvy and beautiful
I told her that this woman only put her down coz she herself was getting on a bit and jealous.
Maybe they are jealous of you OP? You can be a size 20 and absolutely gorgeous. But dh needs to stop telling you this stuff.

Teamspirit ' I'm not going to comment any more.' And yet you have? You don't get it. Other people think differently to you, in this case many of them are on this thread!