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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS1 is too good for them? (Rant alert)

16 replies

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 13:27

DS1 is 16. It's always just been me and him really as when his dad found out I was pg he tried to bully me into a termination.

He wasn't at the birth but he did see DS until he was 9 months old, when he turned up drunk (and on drugs probably) and told me he was taking baby DS1 to see the woman he'd met the night before. I turned round and walked away as I thought he was a safeguarding risk. We went to mediation and socialcare recommended he see him in supervised contact centre (turned up drunk there too). Eventually he really settled down with the woman he'd met that night and she really turned him round and they had two DC's together. They saw DS1 overnight eow until DS got to about 13 and he said it was boring to go there so it has been as and when, driven by DS's dad sporadically getting in touch, probs once a month max.

So, DS1 hasn't seen them at all in December but was meant to see them today. I texted DS dad's GF to ask what time they were collecting him, as I'm wanting to plan my day and DS said he hadn't heard from his dad. My other DC's are at exH house and it's my first child free time in a month so thought I'd do something adult. No response.

Just been up to see DS and he asked if I could text them saying he's ill as he doesn't want to go now as they 'obviously can't be arsed' they are off to see DS dad family in London tomorrow so it was a brief window of opportunity anyway.

I'm furious. DS1 is amazing. He's a talented musician, kind, sensible and really nice to be around. If they have sacked him off over Christmas what kind of message does this send him?

I know all is okay with them as DS's dad's gf was posting family Christmas pics of DS's little brother and sister on FB yesterday and Christmas Eve . AiBU to he furious and sad? DS isn't outwardly upset, just resigned. I feel terrible for him.

OP posts:

Banana8080 · 26/12/2018 13:42

Hello the dad how he has made his son feel, horrible.

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 13:47

Surely no need to text them at all if they haven't responded to your son's earlier texts?

Notwithstanding the sporadic contact, does this sound quite an out-of-character for them to do, i.e, break a pre-arranged day together (especially a Christmas one)?

Augusta2012 · 26/12/2018 14:03

Posting pictures yesterday doesn’t mean everything is okay today.

One of you should pick up the phone and actually ring to see what’s going on.

Original poster

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 14:05

I'm not sure tbh butchy. DS tends to arrange things with his dad. I know he tends to chop and change a lot. He says one day and then he's got a gig (DS dad is in a band too) and he drops him. But it's Christmas FFS!

OP posts:

buckeejit · 26/12/2018 14:08

Yanbu. What an arse his dad is. Hope you can do something lovely with ds instead.

JudasPrudy · 26/12/2018 14:11

Yep I think you and DS should go for a lovely afternoon at cinema or something instead. Sadly there is nothing you can do to make other people behave the way you want them to.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2018 14:12

I think your DS needs to text his Dad and tell him he's making other plans.

Why would he lie about being ill and why would he want you to send the text for him?

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 14:20

One of you should pick up the phone and actually ring to see what’s going on

Or the adult who has let his son down could call his teenage child?

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 14:22

Why would he lie about being ill and why would he want you to send the text for him?

Sadly, It sounds like he is trying to save face and act as though he couldn't see him when he obviously wasn't going to see him anyway.

Hhe wants his mum to do it and make it believable.

Original poster

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 14:37

DS dad has just text;

'Sorry X, been sick all my morning because I drank too much. Do you still want me to pick you up?'

DS has just text him back 'No cos I'm sick too'

I told DS he shouldn't have lied (and I refused to lie for him btw) but ultimately his dad is the adult and should have either 1. Text him much earlier than 2.30 in the afternoon it 2. Realised that as a parent, being hungover doesn't come before seeing your eldest child at Christmas.

I wish I could tell him to fuck off but DS won't let me and I have to respect that. How could you do this to your son though? I can't wrap my head around it at all. I just couldn't let any of my DC's down at Christmas. It's parenting at its most basic level isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 14:39

DS is now going to see his friend and we are getting a takeaway curry from this really expensive curry place later. I told him he should have told his dad that he had to make his plans instead. But he said his dad wouldn't understand

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/12/2018 14:44

What a dickhead your ex is. Hope you have told your DS he is an amazing kid and reassured him that it is his Dad at fault here, and nothing he has done wrong. Say, look, your Dad's a twat. I get that you want to see him. That's normal and natural. He's a twat though for not seeing you.

Wonder how quickly he'll be crawling out of the woodwork if your DS becomes a successful musician?

Juells · 26/12/2018 14:56

If you didn't see the photos of them having a great time over Christmas you wouldn't have had to deal with it. I know it's difficult, but might be better to un-follow on all social media?

I can see why your DS wanted you to text that he was sick - that way it's him not being available, rather than them not bothering their arses. A little face saving :(

Original poster

Hidinginthebath · 26/12/2018 14:56

It's his loss. DS will have a lovely night with his little siblings and a curry. We will put Radio X on and play monopoly. And I just ordered his back up guitar for him with his Christmas money. He will be okay

OP posts:

Knitwit101 · 26/12/2018 15:04

Aww your ds sounds lovely. His dad sounds shit. I would be really upset for him too. I hope you have a lovely day together, even if it's not quite the grown up day you were planning.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2018 15:23

Your son sounds great. You are right. He is too good for them.

I know a lot of people who have suffered infertility or who would love to have kids and never married and never got the chance. Then there are others who have kids and squander that fabulous chance to be a parent.

Hope your day pans out well now and your son can move on and know he is very loved by you.

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