To expect school to help with this

[stillworkingitout]

I’m not sure where else to put this, please try to be kind as this is quite stressful.

Eldest DC has recently started school - medium sized school with fairly small catchment in a ‘naice’ part of town. Has two friends he has known a long time (one nursery, one socially through us). This first term has been very rocky, particularly since half term. Seems the two other children have formed a strong bond and at least one doesn’t want my child to play. Child is confused, and most days involve tales of playing games where he is often excluded by the other two (he is given a role where they are playing against him, e.g. chasing a monster). Every couple of weeks there is an incident involving some kind of hitting, kicking, scratching. My child usually retaliates but is often the one in trouble. I have asked the teacher to monitor this but am told that as he seeks out the other children school can’t really help.

I now have a recording of my child stating that he is often kicked and punched by the others, but that he doesn’t tell his teacher because she’s at lunch (fair enough) and the playground supervision don’t do anything (his interpretation). His story is consistent, we’ve been talking about it for a while, and he expresses confusion as to why they don’t like him (again, his interpretation).

I’ve followed every incident with a summary email to school and an informal chat with teacher. Her response is to query whether my child has behaviour issues (not sure, not qualified, he’s the only 4yo I have, and I’m not sure labelling him fixes the problem). I’ve asked her to keep them apart, she says they can’t stop him playing with them. I’ve recently (last week of term) emailed asking to meet with leadership team - no acknowledgement yet. It’s a tough situation because some adults struggle when they get pushed out of friendships but he’s four and it’s taking its toll.

What can I reasonably expect school to do? He’s gone from being enthusiastic to frequently asking me to stop working and be at home with him. The only positive is that his learning is currently unaffected. But I would like them to help me make school a safe and welcoming place for him.

I would expect school to help, but if he keeps seeking the other children out it makes it hard for them.

Maybe ask them to encourage other friendships by how they group them in the classroom.

Maybe ask if they have a 'buddies' scheme (or they can set one up) whereby some older pupils can take it in turns to play with the younger kids. Then those needing assistance at playtime can have an elder pupil helping keep an eye on things.

Things you can help your DS to do

• play 'near' the supervisor
• always tell the supervisor
• don't retaliate
• stay away from these friends at play time

Thanks! It really is very difficult, and i suspect facilitating new friendships is probably all that we can do.

But every time there is an incident involving a playground scuffle (roughly once a fortnight) the emphasis seems to be on punishment for my child, and not on how it happened and how we can manage it. I don’t even think the other parents are aware (it’s a small area, I know one well, and the other less well). Is spilling out into other friendships now too - one of the other children doesn’t like girls (I’ve clashed with his mother over this before) and now my child won’t play with other friends because they are girls.

I like the idea of buddies but I think year R have a separate play ground...

But quiet earlier - wonder if it’s picked up now

This is such a tough situation and sounds really hard for your ds. I think you can reasonably expect the school to:

Meet with you to discuss what's happening.

Have a talk with the class about being a good friend and how it feels to be left out.

Make the playground staff aware of the issue.

Provide you with a copy of the bullying policy

Help to facilitate new friendships for your ds

Avoid putting the three boys on groups together.

I don't think you can expect them to keep the boys apart in the playground or at times when they are allowed to choose groupings. If your son keeps playing with these boys then the school can't do much. Can you tell him not to play with them? Or to stop playing if they start being unkind?

Oh no - that was all bullet pointed but it's come out in a big paragraph - sorry!

Ca55 S'OK, lots of nice white space in your posting.

The last week of term isn't a good time to try and arrange meetings etc- it's madness and all of the children are high as kites.

I've seen this a few times as a teacher. It's very difficult tbh if the children keep seeking each other out and usually it's also very difficult to tell 'who started it'. Usually they are playing together nicely one minute and at each others' throats the next.

Thank you :) I have a copy of their bullying and their behaviour policies. My child is displaying signs that he is being bullied according to their document (not keen on school, badly behaved at home and at school, has had two winter hats destroyed, comes home with bruises and scratch marks, has a stammer which is currently worse, etc). I’m loathe to bandy the bullying word around as I’m not sure at 4 whether they can be quite so calculating, but one child at least is reacting badly to my child joining in. I’m assuming it’s reactionary rather than a continual hatred of my child when he’s not around (it also seems to be transient, as in some days he likes him).

I’m currently training him to respond to an invitation to be the monster with ‘no thank you, I’m not a monster I’m a little boy’ in the hope that might empower him.

Oh absolutely I didn’t expect a meeting at the end of term, but an acknowledgement would have been nice, especially as I then saw the head on the last day etc.

This has been going on (that I know of) since early November. I’ve been trying to wait until next term and see but another incident last week precipitated my request to meet. I’ve also requested ELSA support for him.

Kinda reassuring that you’ve seen this before as a teacher. Our teacher is very sweet but seems clueless and out of her depth with this

Do the staff ever see the hits / kicks etc? And when your child tells you about the hits / kicks is it definitely happening again? Just asking this as before now I have had children in my class recall the one incident again and again and again - it didn't happen repeatedly though! - the child was upset by the one incident (understandably so) then talks about it to their parent again and again, going through it in their mind. I have had a parent call after school and the child who supposed to have kicked was absent from school. The victim was just repeating the story. Often this misunderstanding happens when the child cannot yet speak clearly.

If this is not the case I would request quite strongly that these children are watched during free play to see what is going on. It is very rare that young children bully - they are normally too self absorbed. But all the same a strong request that a situation is watched is a reasonable request. It may be that all 3 like rough rolling about play - no intentional attack. Perhaps all 3 boys report that they get hurt! They may like the play but not the resulting pain!

Does he want to play with them still?Reiterate to your child that he is not to play with them if he is getting hurt purposely - if it is a mistake / as a result of mutual rough play, he can walk away if he doesn't like it.

Good question, and one I’m trying to work out... I know that there have definitely been at least 3 incidents where he has been hurt because school have told me about them. I’m not sure how many other times he has been physically hurt. And I don’t know what kind of hurting he is doing to them - school can’t always tell me the circumstances of the incidents. I think that school might be seeing the more ‘explosive’ interactions and that there is a less physical rumbling in the friendship that they’re missing.

I guess I’m frustrated because I would have thought that now that this is a known issue I kinda expect them to keep an eye on things, but tbh I think I know more than they do (from gentle chit chat with my child). I’m conscious that I’m only getting one viewpoint, so the actual events may not be exactly as they happen, but the stories are consistent, and he can give me date information too (the same day as the Christmas singing, as an example). His speech/verbal communication is definitely above average, as is his recall and level of detail