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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change my mind about wanting a baby

20 replies

Holly2019 · 26/12/2018 12:51

I have been with my dh for 12 years. When we first got together I made it clear I did not want children ever and gave him the option to leave if it was something he couldn't live with. Needless to say he stayed with me.

I went on the implant. About 2014 I had started to rethink having kids and we had a big chat to which we both agreed for me to have another implant and see in another 3 years.

I came off the implant 2017 as I wanted to get the hormones out of my system and I felt ready. 2018 has been a really hectic year so he said he wasn't ready, I bought the condoms (which have never been used-he pulls out-his choice).

We had a big talk the other week and he made it clear not yet. We have a holiday planned in march "you want to enjoy our holiday". Both of us are Christmas babies and he doesn't want that for our child. So realistically we are looking at June before we even start trying.

Although I think he will keep putting it off.

It's all I can think about, getting pregnant, becoming a family. My best friend has just found out she's pregnant, another friend is having her second. Everyone in work constantly asks when am i going to have a baby.

I never thought I'd feel like this. Of course I would stay with dh if he didn't want kids, he supported me so I would support him.

But he just keeps saying not now. He makes jokes when people ask us both.l

I am 32, I don't feel as though I can wait forever to start. I feel as though my purpose in life is to be a mum and it is all I can think about.

I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable to want a definite answer that he wants a baby and if so when. Especially when I was the one that was so adamant that we weren't having kids.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2018 13:08

He doesn't sound as though he really wants one to be honest.

I think you two need a proper talk and make it 100% clear to him that you won't hold it against him, if he's honest about not wanting one (if that's the case).

Original poster

Holly2019 · 26/12/2018 13:12

Thanks liberty, yes I think you are right, he doesn't does he?! That's a good idea because of course I wouldn't, maybe he does think I would do.

OP posts:

maxthemartian · 26/12/2018 13:14

Quite a u-turn from "I don't want children ever" to "my purpose in life is to become a mum".

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/12/2018 13:18

Sounds like he didn't want children too tbh OP.

MarthasGinYard · 26/12/2018 13:19

Agree Max

I'd sit down and have a chat with him as if it's not something he wants then there's no compromise.

lastqueenofscotland · 26/12/2018 13:21

Agree with PP
Sounds like he doesn’t want one.
Stop hint dropping and skirting round it be totally honest and see what he says

NewYorkDoll3 · 26/12/2018 13:21

It's not that uncommon to not want children - EVER in your 20's, and then get broody when you turn 30. Happens a lot.

Not sure where to go with it if your husband doesn't want them. I did hear that the wishes of the one who doesn't want them, trump the wishes of the one who does.

Not sure why though.

No real advice. Sorry.

greendale17 · 26/12/2018 13:23

Quite a u-turn from "I don't want children ever" to "my purpose in life is to become a mum".

^This. YABU- I imagine it took him a few years to get over not having kids ever. Now you have made a u turn but expect him to be fine about it.

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 13:26

He married you with the understanding there would be no children and this likely suited him because he didn't want them, either. And whilst YANBU to change your mind, he doesn't have to become a father due to that change. BUT his refusal to use birth control is telling. He doesn't appear to want kids but thinks birth control is your responsibility.

I agree with Liberty, you need a serious talk and to get to the bottom of whether he wants kids or not.

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 13:29

Strange. From his contraceptive MO, one would think he wants a football team.

TedAndLola · 26/12/2018 14:04

I feel as though my purpose in life is to be a mum and it is all I can think about.

This really doesn't sound healthy. He must feel like he's suddenly living with a completely different woman and being pressured to do something he clearly doesn't want.

I think it would help you to talk to someone neutral and external about all this.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/12/2018 14:06

You need to have a serious talk about this.

BrokenWing · 26/12/2018 14:17

YADNBU to change your mind on a decision you made 12 years ago as a 20 year old.

He does sound as if he is putting you off a bit, either to give himself time to get his own head around it and work out how he feels or because he doesn't want children and doesn't want to hurt you.

It is time for a proper sit down and 100% honest (from both of you) chat. Tell him you never expected to feel this way, he's had 4 years to get his head around it now and it's decision time.

The fact he is happy to use the withdrawal method with a high failure rate might mean he could be open to the idea but scared to make the life changing decision (dh was frustratingly similar). Talk about it. Start with if you want to do it, the concept of being parents without worrying about the financial implications, then work out if/when you can do it.

I was a Christmas baby and it is a very minor detail to be hung up on!!!

brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 14:22

YADNBU, I didn't want children but then turned 30 and it was all I could think about - now I have 3 and am so glad I did.

OnceUponAThread · 27/12/2018 13:35

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to have a u-turn on kids.

But just because you have changed your mind that doesn't mean he has to.

However it seems to me like he's stringing you along a bit / making excuses and that is unreasonable.

You need a proper sit down conversation with total honesty. And he needs to come clean about whether he ever wants them. If he doesn't, I'd recommend some couples counselling to work through it so you don't end up resenting him.

Also - you say you'll stick with him and support him if he says no to kids but you also say you're born to be a mother and it's all you want in life. You need to have a long think about how you manage it if he doesn't want them.

Mari50 · 27/12/2018 13:49

I didn’t want kids ever. Until I hit 34 and then I was incredibly maternal. Shit relationship meant that I was 37 before I had my dd, she is the absolute light of my life, I can’t imagine the life I would have had without her. When I was 32 I was still adamant I didn’t want a child so YANBU to change your mind.
However your DH is NBU not to change his so you need to have a good talk.....

AloneLonelyLoner · 27/12/2018 13:56

You decided this clearly when you were around 20. YANBU to change your mind. YABU if you feel he has too aswell. You need to have ‘the chat’. Hopefully he will be honest and then you can decide what to do.

WisdomOfCrowds · 27/12/2018 14:04

If you feel that strongly about having children then for god's sake don't miss out on that just because he supported you when you said you didn't want them 12 years ago. You're allowed to change you're mind, and you're allowed to have things which are dealbreakers for you which aren't deal breakers for him. He wanted to be with you more than he wanted to have a baby and that's fine, but you don't have to stay with him in return now that the tables have turned if you don't want to. Don't forget that his window of opportunity is not closing any time soon. If you really feel like you can't see your life without children then you need to sit him down and say that, and agree on a firm date to either start trying or seperate. I "never ever wanted kids ever" when I was 20 as well, but here I am, 30 years old, with 2 of them. You don't have to stand by what you said 12 years ago. But you do need to be honest and get some honesty in return.

Original poster

Holly2019 · 28/12/2018 19:35

Thank you for all the kind and honest replies, I think a serious and honest discussion will be taking place on Sunday.

OP posts:

Pachyderm1 · 28/12/2018 19:43

I did hear that the wishes of the one who doesn't want them, trump the wishes of the one who does. Not sure why though.

Surely this part is pretty obvious...? You can’t force someone to have a child with you because you want one. A child needs to be something you wholeheartedly choose.

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