To find Christmas very depressing

[NotOnTheBench]

It actually shows up what a failure I have been as a Mum.

While others post lovely things on social media and others comment that their children are a wonderful reflection of how they've been brought up + a credit to their parents, I'm left wondering why I now have a DS21 with ADD who is addicted to gaming; a DS19 who smokes weed and a DS16 who is already sleeping with his (admittedly very lovely) GF16.

Xmas is too stifling + too much time to reflect. DS21 is actually very sweet, surprisingly well-read (he reads classic novels as well as keeping up to date with political news) if a bit socially awkward; DS19 is very good looking and generous to his friends (he spent Xmas Day afternoon with a friend who is alone at xmas); DS16 is extremely clever + a talented athlete and he + GF16 seem so well suited even at such a young age.

I do find I'm quite a depressive character anyway + while I try to be optimistic + others would be surprised that I feel so morose (tears of a clown?), xmas especially gives me too much time to think dismal thoughts.

Anyone else feel this way + how do you lift yourself up? For me running helps + I do feel a good half hour / hour run in the woods later is on the cards this afternoon.

It doesn't sound like you've been a failure as a parent at all. They seem like normal young adults to me. At some stage we have to let our adult children take responsibility for their choices and behaviour. I think it's just the time of year getting you down.

I also find Christmas depressing: the overeatingand overdrinking, the massive overhyped build-up followed by the inevitable anti-climax, the forced "it's the most wonderful time of the year" bullshit, too much time spent at home with nothing much to do, the crap weather. Listening to my DH snoring on the sofa. Wondering why my DS23 is unhappy despite landing the job of his dreams this year.

I try to ignore it as much as I can and crack on with cleaning the house, going back to work after boxing day, catching up with chores I've been putting off. Basically, get back to normal as soon as possible.

Social media allows people to become celebrities in so far as you see a very 2D image of themselves & their lives. Unless you can see through that just don’t bother looking. I have (very intelligent) friends who can’t cope with the success & perfect lives portrayed by people they know. Please don’t spend your time comparing yourself - it’s just showing off as we used to call it!
Anyway I now believe happiness comes in little packages & sometimes unexpectedly. Such as meeting a friend & laughing together, something making you giggle at work, listening to music & having a sing along, seeing your kids doing something that makes you laugh/smile/feel proud, clearing out crap, painting a room. What I’m saying is just make something out of your day & say that was fab/funny/interesting/unexpected. Sometimes I’m at my happiest at half past 5 walking the dog 🐶

Honestly none have ruined their lives yet. Is DS16 using protection? Does DS19 have anything else in their life apart from weed?

Besides I'm sure your social media friends have skeletons in their closets

Having sex at 16? Compleyely normal. Weed...normal ( unfortunately.) Gaming? Normal.
Dd 10 loves you tube and not much else...bit of a fail on my part.

I was having sex at 16. I was smoking far far too much weed at 19 (think at least an eighth a day for about 2 years). I was a gamer, even met my DH on an online game in my 20s. I'm in my late 30s now, have formed a successful company 5 years ago, employ 10 people, happy family, travel a lot, set my own salary, don't smoke weed or game much anymore, still have sex though :D They sound perfectly normal - I'd be a lot more concerned if your 12 year old was having sex and your 30 year old was still getting stoned every day, but at their ages it sounds like normal exploring of boundaries.

Thanks everyone who responded. I feel a bit more like a 'normal' parent now. A good 8K run in the woods this lunchtime did me a power of good too. I don't solve problems when I run but I do 'zone out' especially as I have to concentrate on not tripping up!

At the end of the day, they are all 'good kids' but growing up differently from how I expected. Nothing goes as you plan but that makes them independent adults I suppose, with their own minds.

Snuggybuggy - DS16 and I have had several frank chats about sex and I've been reassured that he's being safe. He says he has so much respect for her that he doesn't want to put her at risk of anything. I hope that's the truth + not him saying what he thinks I want to hear, but have to take his word for it.

Same goes for DS19 + his weed habit. Says he really isn't smoking much + only with friends. He knows I don't approve but I'd rather he was in the garage with his mates than under a tree in a park somewhere.

There's a point at which our kids start reflecting who and what they are, and the choices they make, rather than what we have wanted for them, and tried to help them be, don't you think?

And then there's things that we never foresaw, and they and we certainly never asked for - conditions like ADD etc.

Actually, you sound like a pretty good Mum to me, and your kids are at the ages where they're starting to experiment, make their own choices, and will have to learn that now they have to own their own consequences - and please let them do so - it makes it more painful for them and you in the short-term, but it's so much more valuable and short-lived in the long term! (And they sound like they'll ultimately be the kinds of kids that sew their oats, learn from what they reap, and turn out okay - and I've got besides the two kids of my own, 12 nieces and nephews ranging up to 40 (gulp!), and I'm refusing to count up how many great nieces and nephews, and have watched with interest how things have panned out with many different styles of parenting, life experiences, and children and parents' personalities).

I think the images of perfection we are bombarded with do tend to lead to these feelings OP. Real life can never measure up. Your family sound fine to me. If you want 'perfect' anything, you will always be disappointed. If you want to challenge constant negative thoughts, CBT for Dummies has great ideas & strategies. It's helped me massively (after being brought up by NPD perfectionist parent ) .