To be so tired that I just want to die?

[Babysharkdoodoodoodo]

I'm not going to do anything stupid but I haven't slept properly in just over 5 years now and I'm just so so tired.
I got diagnosed with breast cancer 2 days after I got married in October 2012 and had to have the full slash/poison/burn treatment and as it was hormonal, had to go on tamoxifen but that caused bladder issues and after a year put on aromasin. All of which threw me into instant menopause.
Oncologist tried me on several drugs for the flushes from hell, Latest being gabapentin which at least has stopped the anxiety attacks that accompanied the flushes. I've been in it for the last few years and the flushes still haven't stopped. I'm on aromasin for the next 4 years and I don't think I can take much more. So much so that I stopped taking it for 2 months this summer but I went back in it as nothing changed.

I haven't slept more than an hour and half since I finished chemo in June 2013 and I'm so frigging exhausted. I'm on other drugs for side effects as well plus the aromasin has caused me to have osteoporosis in my spine and pelvis, so I get pain if I walk or stand too much. Then I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last November as well :/

God I sound like a whiner but DH is snoring away upstairs whilst I just sat and cried on the side of the bed whilst turning into a sweaty mess. I can't even have hrt or take anything like black cohosh because of the cancer being hormone receptive.

The final straw is not wanting sex. I can't even stand it when DH touches me. I love him so much that I have to pretend every few months but it hurts, even when I use a lubricant
(Sorry if tmi) and I can't get a female gp. I just can't face seeing a male gp and blurting out about wanting sex. Or is that stupid?
I don't even feel a single twinge of anything down there anymore and I'm just so bloody sad. I'm actually crying about it now and I'm so tired as well but as soon as I lie down I just feel like my head is going to explode from heat. I've tried gel pillows that get sweaty and warm after 3 minutes. I only wear natural fibres. I've given up alcohol and only have a couple of coffees as opposed to my old 8-10 a day. I don't smoke anymore. I can't have sugar anymore. I basically have nothing to bring me joy anymore. Maybe an exaggeration but no sex, chocolate or sleep is making me as miserable as fuck.

My surgeon and the oncologist just basically shrugged and said I had to get through it like all the other women.

Ok so I'm lucky to be alive but the mental cost is making me doubt that now. And I'm pig sick of being told to pull myself together.

I was also wondering about acupuncture or perhaps EFT (tapping)

Address the sleep issue first. Not sleeping takes you to the edge of a cliff. Make a spare room or your living room your sanctuary (or kick your snoring fucker of a husband out of your bedroom instead (and get him to address his snoring too whilst you're at it)). Air con, layers for bedding so you can adjust, ear plugs, sleep mask and zopiclon. Take zopiclon super early in the evening and get to bed. If you take it late, you wake up feeling like shit. Find a good gp too and refuse to be fobbed off by unsympathetic doctors. Everyone would buckle eventually with what you're going through.

Well, yanbu obviously.

You can get nytol over the counter sleeping tablets. They don’t work if you take them continuously but they are great for knocking you out when you just really need to sleep.My other top tip is exercise. I hate doing it but it really does work for anxiety and sleep issues. Swimming is good or I have an exercise bike in front of my tv. I feel really sorry for you. You’ve really been through the wars. I’m sending you a big hug through the internet. Hope 2019 brings you some joy xxx

Hi
You're not whining at all. You are in pain, massive discomfort and you're shattered. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture for a reason. I had it for a few years a long time agao and it still haunts me. You sound relatively lovely and sane on it - I was an evil witch on it.

You have probably tried all these but just in case:
Smash some ice cubes inside the bag until they are not uncomfortably lumpy ,seal inside another bag and wrap in a thin towel. Put them on top of your pillow and rest your head on them. Once they melt, take them off and the pillow undernetah should be cold.
If you can't sleep, meditate. Just lie there relaxing each part of your body in turn, breathing deeply and emptying your mind (or filling it with a simpe, calming image/visualisation. It is not as good as sleep but it really is the next best thing.

You can't eat, smoke and drink, but you can listen to music, watch great films and TV comedies, read books. Make these your treats and spend time and money on them. Cheaper than fags!

Try getting into fruit and herb teas? There are loads on the market now and some of them really uplift your mood - lemon and ginger is good instead of coffee.

You have been through way too much not to have a GP you can talk to. Just ask for referral to one for a personal matter. Or, if you can, have a private consultation with a specialist.

Are there any Macmillan services near you? You sound like you deserve loads more support than you have right now.

I'm sorry OP. If you want to try meditation that doesn't involve clearing your head and accepts the fact you'll have thoughts when you meditate then check out the Meditation Trust. They are a UK charity that teaches meditation and it has been life changing for me and some other people I know.

In terms of the intimacy issues, have you listened to this episode of You, Me and the Big C? They deal with the topic is quite some detail and talk about the different options to help you in that department.

I hope 2019 is brighter for you

babyshark I’m sorry cancer has changed your life in so many ways
You have every right to be sad and angry about it

Do you have a McMillan nurse who may be more understanding than the oncologist?

If you need to see a male GP re painful sex they won’t bat an eyelid it’s part of their job but I can understand why you are reluctant.

Try and see is there are some support services in you area like Macmillan. Nurses are fab. Most oncologists have a team of clinical nurse specialists which can offer more practical support.

Wow op I think you're allowed a moan with all this going on. Not sure if it'll help but they do cooling vests for ms, would one of those help if you're overheating?

I can so relate regarding the cancer and menupause shit storm .... and that oncologists etc dont seem to want to engage or address the havic that cancer treatment wreaks on your life. In fact, ai have done some public speaking to medical professionals on this topic and had many comments along the lubes of 'We didnt realise/ have never thought of this impact post treatment'. It truly sucks so you have my empathy.

What helped somewhat for me wrt menopause was bizarrely star flower oil.

What helped me, limited but better than excruciating dryness and pain during sex, was a 'last chance saloon' try at norethisterone - basically progesterone for men prescribed to me to try combat the sex issue. My libido is basically gone but the dryness and pain are no longer anywhere near as bad. I too had hormone receptive cancer but my oncologist was happy with me taking this. Makes you a moody cow initially, but ride it out for a few weeks and it might help.

HTH.

Wow. So many replies. Thank you all.

I finally dozed off around 5.30 in the end for a couple of hours. Just been bimbling around the house.

Re, the exercise; I don't drive so my main means of transport are my feet and the bus, but I just, last weekend, bought myself a foot scooter for work, as it's 2.5 km away when I come back in February. Here's Sally the Scorcher. She is appropriately a Frenzy.

I'm currently walking about 30km a week which I can probably improve on, especially with Sally's assistance now..

I had a look at booking gp online, but nothing available until mid January so I might give them a call on my next rest period. I won't bother trying to get through tomorrow as everyone and their dog will be in greater need.

My DH usually sleeps upstairs on 'work'nights but hey Christmas and visitors so this week is worse than usual, even though I'm working through until Tuesday

The things I enjoy list isn't too bad: books and tv. Ironically baking sigh. I've been experimenting with lo carb baking, but treats aren't as nice when overindulging means hours on the loo, from sweeteners. Sensitive to most of them. On the plus side, eating low carb means less ibs attacks. I can't 'do' music, irritates me no end.

So I'm going to make a list (not checking it twice though) of everyone's suggestions and I'll come back and let you know what works.

Thank you all

I also had to stop taking tamoxifen. I just couldn't live with the side effects. I've done the menopause thing and feel so much better now, it just takes time . Two years on and I'm still cancer free

Hmm would you think anyone else with your symptoms was whinging? Wasting anyone's time? Need to pull themselves together?

No, thought not.

You have a whole bunch of crappy symptoms and are dog tired. That must have a devastating impact on your mental and emotional health too. That doesn't mean that you will always feel like this, or that you have to accept it.

It is likely that you need a multi-pronged approach here. Professional input combined with self-help strategies.

Definitely go to your GP - or another GP / alternative surgery if you don't get the help you need.

Look too at credible menopause support websites - I found menopause matters a good resource and see what works for others that you could try.

Personally, I found natural fibre bedding as well as bed clothes a help, I also have an audible subscription and listen to books when I can't sleep - it doesn't wake DH and stops my mind going into overdrive. When the weather allows, I try to go out for a run a few times each week and take vitamin D to ward off osteoporosis.

Good luck finding do something that works for you.

I'm so sorry that you have been going through all of this, not sleeping is messes with your mind, mood and overall health. And having had cancer which then gives you the (not) fun experience of menopause is another slap in the face. What you wrote I could have written, including the part about one's DH (for me the problems are from a nasty car crash) and being so tired and in pain all of the time is exhausting (they both feed off of each other, right?).

Do what you need to do to get some sleep. It's so very important to your health. Have you talked to your DH about all of this? I know you don't want to hurt his feeings, but you can try to gently discuss how you're feeling and how the lack of sleep for such a long amount of time is messing you up.

For myself, I've worked out a few ways to mitigate my DH's snoring, but if he gets to sleep before me then none of that really helps, sigh. Anyway, I just wanted to send some {{{Hugs}}} & I hope that you get a chance to sleep when you go away, (I'm going to visit my mum in a couple of months & I can't wait to just be able to sleep without a lot of snoring, lol).