To not let him see our son?

[luckynot]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I have a ten week old baby boy and his dad and I split up when he was a week old ( the last straw being he wanted to go out on the town and leave me alone with out newborn when I still couldn't even sit down). He's never bought a single thing him, habitual weed smoker and just all round not nice guy. I hate to admit I don't think I ever loved him, I got pregnant when the relationship was fresh so tried to convince myself that I was in love.

I'm breastfeeding and have only just started expressing so he has been coming to my home to see our son, one or maybe twice a week for a couple of hours. He often goes out on his days off instead of coming to see him and cancelled twice last week and spent it smoking week instead.

A couple of weeks ago he came over to see our son and when he passed me him back he smelled of weed. He admitted that he was high and has smoked a "spliff" on the way over to see him. I asked him to leave immediately.

I've been a bit of a doormat, cancelling my plans so that he and his parents and see our son. I even have been going to his parents' home once a week (where my ex lives) so that they can see our son. They showed no interest whilst I was pregnant until the last couple of weeks and referred to our baby as "the situation".

I was raped by my ex boyfriend before him (so ex ex boyfriend) when I was five months pregnant and a few months later my sons dad he said to me during an argument: I bet you haven't told any of you friends that you fucked ex ex boyfriend have you?" And that I just "fucked him and regretted it". He said that he feels terrible for saying it and it was in the heat of the moment.

We have the same circle of friends and he has been telling them all that I am not allowing him to see our son which is currently untrue. I've told him that until he gets clean he can't have unsupervised contact and he has STILL carried on smoking weed despite this. I told him that I don't see why I should take time out of my day to supervise his contact just because he refuses to change his pathetic lifestyle. I'm getting painted as the bad guy.

I've said that he can't have him unsupervised and his mum and dad believe that they should be able to supervise the contact without me there. Baring in mind he was high another time when my son and I went to their home and his parents didn't notice. I don't want them to supervise his visits I wouldn't feel like my baby would be safe but can they dispute this?

I'm at a loss, I'm suffering badly from pnd and have been feeling very suicidal. I'm very young and I feel like a failure. I just want what's best for my son.

This wasn't short at all, I'm sorry.

Just to be clear, he made our son smell of weed. His skin and babygro.

Don't let him anywhere near until he sorts himself out

You should stop making the effort to maintain the father/child relationship. A few of your points you could put down in writing to him so you have proof that you have tried to address the issues/support contact etc, without it looking like you are doing it for proof in case needed for court. I would not express milk, I'd just simply breastfeed and use that as a reason why baby can't be away from you. Expressing is hard!

Advice: don't do all the running after him.

If you're in the grips of PND then this is the last thing you need. Your mental health is more important than his want for contact to be had under his terms.

If he doesn't like it let him go to court and argue his case about how he's supposedly suitable to make decisions for a young baby whilst under the influence of cannabis all of the time.

One option might be to investigate a contact centre. Near me they support, rather than supervise contact. That would mean they would see him coming in (and would hopefully notice if he was stoned) but they don’t observe the whole session one to one.

I would certainly stop cancelling your plans. Maybe every weekend ask him whether he wants any of a number of suggested times and you will keep free whatever he asks for. Given that he’s flaky, I’d ask him to text 30 mins before to say he’s coming.

He sounds like a shit. Can see why you don’t trust his parents, although they don’t sound too bad now the baby has arrived.

You are clearly doing your best for your baby in difficult circumstances. Don’t apologise for that.

Ooh yes, I hated expressing. Only do that if it’s good for you, not for his benefit.

You’re not a failure. You’re doing the job of two parents and managing his parents and dealing with him lying to your circle of friends. Add pnd to that and that in no way makes you a failure.

Reread the post you wrote and ask yourself if that is what you want around your baby and as a role model.

Allowing him unsupervised contact when you know he smokes weed, whether it’s with his parents who choose to ignore his habit, or not would actually go against you in the long run. Stick to your guns and stand up for yourself and your baby.

I know how hard this is and in the new year I’d be asking your health visitor and GP for advice. In the meantime I wouldn’t leave baby with him. I know it’s tough but you can do it!

Do you have anyone close to you for support?

Oh- and don’t worry about his lies- scum rises to the surface; he will be caught out at some point. If they are your real friends they won’t believe his bullshit anyway. Those that do, you don’t need them around you.

Can see why you don’t trust his parents because they don't notice when he's stoned.
Are his parents doing anything to help you? Or just expecting you to bring baby to visit them?

Grandma no they don't do anything to help me. They've bought him nappies once because I asked them to. They don't even ask how he is.