To think if I’m cooking for 12 at least one person could make me a drink?

[Soconfusedbylife]

Just a little rant. Had 12 for Christmas dinner today, most are elderly however still mobile and able. I prepared 3 courses, was in the kitchen 1-4.30 pretty much and whilst people would come and get their own drinks on occasion or do a big drinks round not one person offered me a drink. I did ask but even then I got forgotten.

I also did 7(!) loads of washing up with no offers of help.

I hardly sat down and feel that it would be rather nice to next year have a Christmas with just me, DH and our 2 young children so we can relax, play with them and just not get so stressed. I know the guilt will come however that then the older family will have nowhere to go on Christmas Day. I love being in my own home on Christmas Day but today I’ve felt more like kitchen staff than a member of my own family. DH feels the same and did a great job helping me.

We had 13 and dd kept reminding them to choose a task they wouldn't mind helping with and do it!! You /dh need to actually delegate not be a martyr in future!!

Yanbu just don't do it next year.

Er delegate and I'd assume you had a drink since you are in the kitchen next to cupboards and fridge

Bloody hell - the washing up thing is ridiculous. I know some people (me included) don't like people in the kitchen getting in my way offering to help but for Christmas dinner the cook never washes up. Every year I've hosted the guests (obviously close family) have insisted they're cleaning up and I haven't lifted a finger once the cooking was done. I've done the same when others are hosting.

I totally agree. I’m not doing hot food next year. And I might uninvite everyone.

I did get a drink being in the kitchen obviously but it would be nice if when someone is getting 6 other people one they could get me one. There was even a tea/coffee round instigated by my mum but she didn’t ask me or DH we found out too late. Me and Dh have literally set the table, tidied the table, cooked, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher at least 3 times, fine all washing up and were seriously pissed off. We did delegate some things but even then they’d get distracted and we had to remind them or in the end do it ourselves.

My Mums very sensitive and did offer to wash up after I poured away the dishwater at the end of wash 4/5 but obviously it was too late.

Last year my parents stayed over Christmas Day and they did all the washing up and tidying but they haven’t stayed this year so it’s been left to us. Not a relaxing day at all!

Oh and we got criticised for letting my eldedt DC play on his iPad or console so much but I’m not sure how we were meant to entertain him from a different room. Surely someone could have played with him. I’m really annoyed and upset. They all left us so grateful for a lovely day and lovely meal, bloody clueless!

Agree if you cook you shouldn't wash up. I knew I'd have to today as MIL/SIL NEVER offer (despite me washing up at SIL's whenever we are there to eat) so I cleared our dishwasher this morning in preparation. Thankfully it is quite large and it took all dishes plus desert dishes. I used disposable containers for the oven too so I wouldn't need to bother with that. I did it all knowing I wouldn't get one bit of help when it came to clearing.

YABU for being a martyr.
I would ask people. If they are family, then they muck in. No way I'd be cooking for 12 and washing up.
If they are so rude so as not to offer, then I would ask them.

Why don’t you go to a restaurant next year if you are going to have relatives giving you a guilt trip. Just make it clear that they need to pay for themselves!

Ha exactly what happened to me last year! Never hosting the inlaws again - still cross about it. Yes I did ask them to help and they didn’t. the pièce de résistance of this was when I asked dh to come to help with a fairly specific transferring hot fat task type of job he was came bringing both children, the inlaws muddy dog which was supposed to in a cage not yomping all over the house whilst on a WhatsApp video call to his dsis. Ahhrg.

Sounds like they should've offered you some cheese to go with your whine (sorry).

The martyrdom thing is getting so dull now. Your DH and you were hosting, you were in the kitchen. He should have relieved you for a bit or you could have come out at various stages as I did today. Nobody asked me if I wanted anything as I was swigging wine and eating as I was going along and frequently seen doing it. Your DH should have washed up or something, you shouldn’t have been the only one doing it, but I don’t think it’s your elderly guests’ fault that that the tasks all fell to you.

Past three years we have spent Xmas day alone ( just me , DP and the DC) so we can do our own thing. It's been perfect, yesterday we all got back into comfy pjs and lounge wear after breakfast and literally did nothing all day except play with Dd and her new toys.

So don't do it next year.
I put my foot down this year. And also refused to host my sister on boxing day ( I only have Xmas day and boxing day off)
It was liberating!

Well done to them I say. I never lift a finger on Christmas Day... why should I, it’s Christmas! There’s always some mug willing to be the martyr - more fool them! If you’d asked me to help, you’d have had a snort of derision before I got back to me food/drink while making a mental note never to go back!

Christmas lunch for a crowd is a really big job, especially if you're managing almost singlehandedly!

I had the same number yesterday but everyone really helped out, it does makes a massive difference. Have to say, I put all the veg in serving dishes on the table for people to help themselves. Makes life a little easier.

Sounds like they should've offered you some cheese to go with your whine (sorry).

Agree! Just get on with it and stop your moaning!

Moaning over me and DH have had a debrief and told my DP that next year we won’t be doing it. Martyrdom over and putting the kids first.

I think you're right to opt out next year. Christmas dinner is different from a dinner party, where you expect to be served and cleaned up after. If you're close enough to come for dinner you're close enough to pitch in and help. If they can't be bothered and have Oakenbeach's lazy attitude don't bother hosting next year - they'll have to make their own dinner!

The key is to never expect a group of people to take action - you have to pick on individuals and give them a specific task each, i.e. "Agnes, you're in charge of topping up wine glasses" and "Brian, your job is to set the table for dessert". In a loud yet cheerful voice. Then each person takes their job very seriously to avoid embarrassment in front of the group.

Same principle if you ever need to get help in a public space - speak to specific individuals otherwise people naturally avoid taking personal responsibility.

I often do roast for 8/10 occasionally more people, our roasts are generally what most people have on Christmas Day, all the trimmings, puddings, posh table, wine, chocolates, cheese if I’m not too pissed by that point etc. There’s a balance of delegation (never guests bar pouring a glass of wine as I leave it out in a cooler or decanter for people to help themselves, but children are fair game) and accepting that you’ve offered to do the hosting and sucking it up.

I think it helps that we’re open plan so I chat with our guests and family whilst I’m cooking so it isn’t isolating, I’d hate to be stuck in a kitchen alone, it’s the hosting and guests not the cooking that makes it special. I do get a bit resentful if no effort is made to load the dishwasher, I accept there’s likely going to be three loads but appreciate someone , Dh or the teens, getting the first one on the go. I also refuse to clear the table, it’s what teenagers are for 😊

I think if you felt unsupported and resentful you probably shouldn’t offer again, it’s not your thing, which is fine. What will you do instead? Cook for the four of you or go out? I quite like going out for Christmas dinner as it’s a break from my Sunday hosting ha!

OakenBeach unless you mean NOW you do nothing because you hosted 30 odd people for 60 years and it's no longer your turn then YABU and a wagon.

“Can someone sort me a drink please?”

There you go.

I tried that Lavende but they forgot, I reminded them and they still forgot.

Next year I’ll have a rest as it’s no fun for me or the kids who end up not being played with as the family think it’s an adult get together where children should play quietly by themselves. I’m just resentful and grumpy this year. Not sure what we’ll do next year, either do it just us or maybe go to my Mums for a couple of hours.