To ask you how to be more assertive?

[utterlypathetic]

I've yet again been on the receiving end of rude, disrespectful behaviour from dickhead FIL and I'm sick of him treating me like a doormat.

No FIL I don't want you to rigorously bounce my baby in his bouncer because he's just been fed and he will be sick. I don't want you to encourage my toddler to throw food at the dinner table. Nor do I want you to keep eating off his fucking plate before he's even finished making it a rushing game resulting in my dc ramming food down his throat. It's not a fun game, you're being a dick.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I be more assertive and tell him straight. He's very assertive and probably would shout me down if I tried so I'm nervous to ever push it but I'm sick of him ignoring everything I say when it involves my dc. He just has no respect for me.

It's always when DH is out the room and to be honest, I should be able to handle basic, mild disagreements about what is and isn't ok regarding my dc, especially when it's to do with safety/manners.

How do I do it? I've got to see them next weekend again for another celebration and I'm so anxious about it already.

Stab him in is nuts with a carving fork. That’s quite assertive.

If you want you can pretend to trip up when you do it.

excellent idea queen. Thanks for making me laugh!

say what u want to say and then change subject / move away/ dont give him the chance to discuss it further with you

Calmly, quickly and quite bluntly show him the door. Byeeee, FIL. Come back when you've gathered some respect.

He sounds awful!

I hear you. I'm rubbish at any sort of assertiveness or confrontation. It's worse when they then act as if I'm being unreasonable or unable to take a joke. It makes me want to cry.

I'm hardly an expert but am getting better where my daughter is concerned. Sounds stupid but I imagine myself as being a tough mama bear who is solely responsible for looking after her babies. I know it's stupid but it works for me.

I physically change my stance by either opening myself up to take up more space or twisting to look directly at the person and lifting my head and chest up.

I identify what the issue is and what the outcome needs to be (this is important. Do you want to stop something or have something happen?). I then politely but firmly (imagine you're telling your son to do it but tone down the "mum voice" slightly) with direct eye contact say something like "FIL please stop asking my son to throw food". Use names. No excuses and no reasons. You don't have to justify this.

To back this up turn to son and say "No more throwing, son. Eat it nicely".

Give off your best "end of discussion" vibes eg keep your posture assertive but then say "MIL please can you pass the gravy".

If he laughs it off or asks why say "FIL just please stop it". It will take a few goes. It will feel awkward. He may make snidey comments but that's about him, not you. Repeat as necessary and he will listen eventually.

You will hopefully find that if you raise it other peopke at the table will back you up. Throwing food and rushing food are dreadful table habits and I can't imagine many other guests appreciating it.

Also, have a word with your husband about it.

Long-term: get the Anne Dickson book A Woman In Your Own Right and learn from that. It's very good

In the meantime: tell him 'Stop that please' and when he disagrees or argues go to 'I'm not going to argue, just stop it'.

If posdible, I'd also make a point of moving the seating around so FIL sits further away from children and can't bother them when they are eating. I'd also move the bouncer, or just pick up the baby so he physically couldn't bounce them.

You can be as discreet or not as you like about doing this.

Is your DH supporting you, or turning a blind eye?

TBH I would suspect he’s a nasty misogynist bully and would ask if it’s only women he wilfully ignores.
And if he shouts you down? I would expect DH to tell him to wind his neck in if he wants to keep seeing his grandchild.

I’d keep talk minimal tbh and deal with actions

• remove baby after one statement

-state you’ll leave the table with toddler if it persists and do it

It’ll be awkward at first but he’ll stop

Or trip with the carving knife. Equally valid...

If he wants to fly off the handle and shout then that's his problem. He's not afraid of upsetting you, so why should you be afraid of upsetting him? If he kicks off just say you're entitled to your own opinion and then ignore any tantrums.

Don't use hedging of any kind. None.

Dont say "FIL, I'm sorry to be a pain but please could you possibly stop doing that, I'd be really grateful." that's full of disclaimers which he can jump on.

Instead say "FIL, don't do that - DS will be sick" and then MOVE ON. If he argues, repeat the reason.

Eg

FIL stealing DSs food, making him eat competitively

You: FIL, don't take DSs food. You're making him rush
FIL: We're only playing, he's enjoying it.
You: (smile) It's rude to play with food. He needs to eat normally.
FIL: Don't be a spoil sport, we're playing a game.
You: Play a game after dinner. Stop taking his food.

If you must hedge, do it with body language not your words.

Everything Junipers said. My FIL is like this, and I fucking hate him. My strategy is

1. plant a big, confident smile on my face
2. tell (don't ask) him to stop it
3. stop talking. Or talk to someone else.

It terrifies me, and I've seen every reaction from anger to disbelief to gaslighting bullshit - when I told him not to poke DDs because they don't like it, he asked me if I'd taken them to the GP to see if they have a sensitive skin condition that could explain why they didn't like being poked. Oh, I'm getting angry all over again. We usually host them at our house for a week in the summer because they live abroad but because I'm a SAHM that means there are several days when I'm there alone with them and no DH as buffer. I told DH this year that I'm done with that, he can take the time off if he wants them to stay (and then I and the kids and my MIL can fuck off and leave him to deal with him )

In my experience you won't ever get respect from those kind of people. But you can get them to fear you slightly IF you strategically explode on them a couple of times.
They'll resent you for it but thats how you draw boundaries with people that don't like boundaries.

Do consider if it's worth it for you though

Think less civilization, more animal kingdom

Thank you all so much for your help.

I'm definitely going to try what Junipers said next time.

I agree violet, that's exactly what DH said. FIL doesn't give a shit that he's being rude and disrespectful to me, so it's acceptable for me to be the same right back.

DH does have my back and won't take any shit when FIL does this in front of him but it's always when he's not there or out of the room and I feel like I look even more pathetic if I go and tell DH when he does something and he has to have a word afterwards.

I should just be able to say something and correct FIL whether DH is there or not.

Problem is I really like my MIL but it's stopping me want to do stuff with her because FIL works less now and invites himself along to soft play or swimming and does it constantly when DH isn't there.

Extra I was very close to going batshit yesterday. I had to leave the room and count to ten because I just wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of my house and don't come back. This option sounds very tempting indeed

As other's have said OP whilst looking straight at him to prove you mean it .I have absolutely no problems with telling people .I used to be incredibly quiet as child /teenager them suddenly morphed into someone who takes no crap .I can be blunt but if you are not an naturally assertive person it's not that easy .Perhaps practice in the mirror when no one else is around of course .Seriously though you deserve respect,he shouldn't be treating you like this it is plain wrong .

I almost always make it a joke. Bouncing the baby too aggressively? "Ohh steady on FIL, if he chucks up I'm giving you the mop!" Or "Feeling lucky FIL!? That is the best sick inducing bouncing I've EVER seen!" Follow up with laughter. Lots of special MN tinkly laughter!

They get the message, you keep your cool, baby keeps dinner down, no confrontation. Everyone's a winner.