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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand parents problem with DP

24 replies

Whatistheprobblem · 25/12/2018 19:56

Me and DP have a young baby. We’ve been together 3 years. And since day 1 my DF and SM have had a problem with him for literally no reason (that I know of)

When we first met DP would talk about his ex a lot and I told my sister, who awkwardly brought it up at family dinner. That’s the only bad thing I can think of!

He is kind to them, polite, they have a laugh when we meet up and they even have a lot in common to talk about (own the same breed of dog, passionate about acting etc) so I’m puzzled as to why they are so awkward about him being invited places or they don’t get him a Xmas present (I’ll explain)

I’ll mention first my DF isn’t protective or looking after his little girl or whatever, he’s never been like that and is funny with most people except family. But yesterday SM asked if we would like to go round on Boxing Day for lunch (a sandwich and brew, not proper lunch iyswim), assuming she meant all three of us I agreed. Tonight she messaged me asking what time me and baby was coming, I said that DP said we’ll try set off at 11 to avoid traffic. She messaged me back saying she didn’t think DP was coming. It’s Boxing Day, they know he’s not working and they know he’d be sat at home alone if he didn’t come. She said we in the original message so I assumed it meant all of us.

DP saw the message and he feels offended as this has happened before except SM would ask if me and baby was coming round for dinner knowing full well that DP would be at home. It’s just awkward.

They asked me what size clothes/socks DP is for Xmas and to ask him any particular brands he likes. I told them and SM said she would buy something and he didn’t get anything off them today. I know it’s only a small thing but I find it odd to ask all that and then get nothing.

Has anyone else experienced this? My DF isn’t over protective, DP doesn’t smell, he’s not rude, they always have a good chat when they do see him so I don’t understand why they avoid him so much! I feel horrible when I can see how offended he feels when he’s basicslly left out

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 25/12/2018 20:14

I'm sorry you and your DP have been treated like this.

I think I would text my dad and ask him exactly what his problem with DP is as his and his wife behaviour has been nothing but appalling towards your DP and by association you. That you are very hurt that they can not be anything other then being 'polite' towards him and that after 3 years and a child that you would expect them to treat him better. And if it continues you will have to reassess your relationship with them.

Unpaidcarer · 25/12/2018 22:28

I am your DP with my ils. 3.5 years later and I’ve refused to try anymore. He’s taking DCs (not his kids) to his parents tomorrow, I’m staying home with jamas, coffee and catchup tv .

Loopytiles · 25/12/2018 22:31

I wouldn’t visit the family on boxing day, as this seems unfair on DP, soon afterwards would speak to them to seek to find out why they have done this twice.

Perhaps they just dislike him?

Santaisonthesherry · 25/12/2018 22:34

Is your dm overly invested with your dc? Maybe she finds it difficult to interfere/take over with dp around?

BottleOfJameson · 25/12/2018 22:35

I think I would wait until after christmas and then calmly bring it up with them. If you saw them on Christmas and adults are exchanging gifts it's not normal that he gets nothing (even a pair of socks would have been something). It's also odd they would assume DP wasn't coming with you on Boxing day - you have a baby together, I'm assuming you live together of course the invitation should naturally include him.

I wouldn't be accusatory but I'd make it clear that both you and DP are hurt by the way they treat him and you won't be able to continue to spend christmas and holidays with them if it continues as it just sin't fair on DP.

PrettyLovely · 25/12/2018 22:43

I think you need to ask them what their problem is, they sound really nasty leaving him out. How would you feel if it were the other way round and his parents treating you like that.
I think you need to support your partner in this.

Adversecamber22 · 25/12/2018 23:42

Would they Have an issue with you not being married, I know it’s very old fashioned but that’s all I can think of

FlamingoPoet · 26/12/2018 01:15

Eek. I’d say, oh of course we’ll be together, no problems giving it a miss if hats too much trouble though.
And then yes, id ask them outright another time.

GemmeFatale · 26/12/2018 01:56

Invite your DF over. Make it clear that morning SM isn’t invited. If questioned point out apparently your family doesn’t routinely include partners in family meals, meet ups or gift exchanges.

The4thSandersonSister · 26/12/2018 03:06

The strangest thing about your post isn't that your DF and SM might not like your DP, but that In 3 years you haven't addressed the issue. All it would have taken is for you to say you have noticed X, Y & Z behaviour concerning your DP, and ask if there is a problem they'd like to get of their chests. If they say "Oh, No problem" then you say to them that they need to adjust their behaviour accordingly to reflect that or they need to speak their minds and stop with the BS. Shit or get off the pot time.

Original poster

Whatistheprobblem · 26/12/2018 08:05

SM was unmarried when she had her first 3 children before she met DF so I don’t thimk that’s her problem, and she’s not over invested with DC. I hate to do it but I will have to ask what the problem is as it’s so uncomfortable for him

OP posts:

FalldereedilIdo · 26/12/2018 09:00

Yeah OP I think you owe it to your DP to tackle this directly. You 3 are a family unit now, people need to respect that. They don’t get to pick & choose 2 out of 3. I wouldn’t go where my partner wasn’t welcome and vice versa.

RebootYourEngine · 26/12/2018 09:17

They don't care if they offend you so you don't need to care if you offend them by asking why they don't like you DP.

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2018 09:22

Big girls pants time...ask them what the problem is with DP.

hammeringinmyhead · 26/12/2018 09:25

I'd ask your sister if they have said anything to her. They don't sound like they will be honest if you ask directly.

FlippinNora1 · 26/12/2018 09:34

I’d be worried about opening Pandora’s box and finding out they know, or think they know something dodgy about your dp.

Today I’d text them back with something like “it’s Boxing Day, it’s a family day. DP is my family. We will see you some other time.”

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/12/2018 09:36

I woukdnt bother asking what their problem with your DP is (as the answer might be difficult to deal with).

What you want them to change is their actions so focus on that. I like BottleofJamesons's approach.

Clutterbugsmum · 26/12/2018 09:36

I hate to do it but I will have to ask what the problem is as it’s so uncomfortable for him And so it should be, all the time you are too embarrassed to question their behaviour, they can hide behind you good upbringing.

Your DP deserves more.

MissWilmottsGhost · 26/12/2018 12:10

Would they Have an issue with you not being married, I know it’s very old fashioned but that’s all I can think of

I think this too. The fact that you SM wasn't married when she had children may or may not be relevant, she may be a) a hypocrite, or b) think it means your DP is just like her ex.

How is her relationship with the father of her children?

MorningsEleven · 26/12/2018 12:14

Either they're completely irrational or your DP has said/done something you're unaware of. I would want to make sure it isn't the latter.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/12/2018 12:16

You just need to ask them. They may not even realise they're being so obvious about their dislike.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/12/2018 12:40

Why are you making a thread about this when all you have to do is ask them??

YouCouldBeMe · 26/12/2018 13:03

Another who thinks you need to ask them. It's been going on for too long just to be thoughtlessness on their part

beanaseireann · 30/12/2018 10:31

Have you asked them Whatistheproblem ?

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