AIBU to be angry and disappointed that Christmas day has been ruined?

[Meadowflowers]

I'm gutted. 17yo dd got up in a disgusting mood. Opened her presents at 10a, then buggered off back to bed. When she got up later she tried to pick a fight with everyone. She demanded that my 13yo put everything away in the bedroom right that second, (something I generally leave until Boxing day as Christmas day is a holiday) when she didn't jump up straight away, the 17yo threw a shoe at her eye, hurting her and making her cry. I went in the room shouted for it all to stop, 17yo went on a complete meltdown screaming at me, calling me names, then trying to push me out of the room, as I was taking 13yo side (as usual, in her opinion) not true. I told her that as I treat her like an adult, she needed to start behaving like one. I went back down to carve the turkey and put the dinner out whilst crying over it that a day I had prepared for, for so many months had been completely ruined. I'm so disappointed by her behaviour. Somehow it was all turned around to be my fault because she said I made her cry, but it was simply a case if her completely losing her temper! My 13yo didn't fight back or retaliate at all. She's been in bed watching netflix since and still hasn't eaten.

How often do they argue when you take the younger ones side (as usual?)

Is this the same DD that took an overdose?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3353902-To-feel-put-of-my-depth

And had a hard time at school?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3026568-AIBU-to-complain

She's obviously very troubled and needs help!!

OK, InspectorIkmen, I see your point. But "treating her like a piece of shit", is exactly what she has done herself. The "Consequences" would ideally be not an exact replication of her actions to others. In a perfect world, the "Consequences" would be undesirable to her, (but at least in principle and later) seen as reasonable-not "soft", but reasonable.
So.………….maybe the OP should decline to give her the presents until later. Fair enough.
The important thing, however, is how the OP feels. We must encourage her not to feel that "The Whole Day is Ruined", for her own sake. I think we should encourage her to raise her eyes, and see how her family may move on in the next days/weeks/months/years.
Nearly over, but still...….Merry Christmas!

If your daughter has attempted suicide there are significant background issues that have not been disclosed.

Hopefully the OP will return and explain. And others might learn to ask questions before passing judgment.

And the OP could provide a proper background!

OP your own reaction speaks volumes & I suspect where your DD learnt her behaviour from.

OP your own reaction speaks volumes & I suspect where your DD learnt her behaviour from.

How would you react if your stroppy teenager hit their younger sibling in the face with a shoe? Waltz serenely into the room and sing Edelweiss until peace naturally restored itself?

Actually there must be a wazzoo of a backstory re-reading your OP demanded that my 13yo 'my' 13yo so 17yo's dsis or not?

So sorry for not replying. Yes they are sisters. Not step or half sisters. I've been doing exactly what everyone suggested and spending time with the 13yo. I feel like today was completely unnecessary as they are always made to tidy up on boxing day morning before they go to their dad's. Oldest dd did storm.out to go for a walk. I fed everyone and put hers on a plate in the microwave. She warmed it up later and ate. The back story is that the oldest fell out with her dad last year so he made a massive fuss of our 13yo. Our 17yo has just talking to him again and now he's all over her again and pushing our 13yo out of the picture. There is a lot of sibling rivalry between them. They argue a lot, mainly started by the 17yo. I always remain calm, but firm with them as their dad has an awful temper, DV being the reason for divorce. I did shout today because the 17yo had completely lost it and was shouting over me when I tried to talk to her about what had happened. I pride myself on being the calm parent after everything they've been through in the past. We've been divorced for over 10 yrs so it's not a recent thing that has affected the dc. There rivalry has got worse since the oldest dd started talking to her dad again. I just hoped that for today we could have had a nice family day. To be fair we could have, it felt like the oldest was trying to get a rise out of everyone. She has stayed in her room all night apart from to eat. I went in to say Good night, which she politely replied the same. I do think she's either embarrassed about her behaviour or sulking. Sadly she never sees that she's in the wrong, it's always everyone else, and she wont apologise to anyone either. In the end I had a cry and then went on to enjoy the evening so all was not completely ruined. Thank you for the support.

This sounds like a tough situation all round OP but you can't let one DD injure the other and you just tell them to stop it etc. I think tomorrow when things are calmer you need to talk to the eldest about the consequences of hurting her sister.

Yes mehrry it is. Counselling has been attended along with multiple doctors consultations. Dd had turned a massive corner and was back to her old self again, hence the resumed contact with her dad. She had gained the confidence and felt strong enough to talk to him again. This has all gone pear shaped again in the last month or so since. Whilst I support her in everything she has been going through in the past, I was upset and disappointed with her in what she did to her sister. I don't believe there is any excuse to do that to a much younger, smaller child. Obviously she's not not as ok mentally as I thought she was.

I feel like a shit mum. It's so hard dealing with it all the time. Dh supports me but it's just non stop all the time. Nothing I seem to say or do has any affect. I've supported her through her hard times and I know I've spoilt her a bit because of previous issues, but now I do feel like she's manipulating me and testing me all the time to see how far she can push me. I don't know what to do to help her see that she can't treat people the way she does. When she doesn't get her own way straight away she sulks and tantrums! It's ridiculous and I do accept responsibility for it.

Your posts have made me well up, for you and your daughters. I don't have any advice but wanted to say well done, you are handling it as well as one can

Thank you so much Molly. I know she has issues and I need to and try to support her as much as possible but some things I just can't allow MH problems or not. Where does violence towards someone start and where does it end? I love her so much as i do my 13yo. I feel like I'm torn between the 2 of them. I'm trying to stay positive and teach them to be more positive and kind to each other. Everything has calmed down this morning, but I think she's still sulking with me because I didn't go running after her last night to make amends.

OP - have you posted much in the patenting sections on here? Your last two posts on here have probably been the most honest about your situation. Make sure you include some of the back story too so the posters have the full story. I wish you well

That isn't stroppy behaviour she threw a shoe at the face of a much younger child.

What if it had struck their actual eye?

I'd take all of her gifts away and leave in bed the next time.

Ah MH issues. Never mind my post

Thank you mehrry and I do apologise. I just didn't really want to put too much detail as my exh is always looking for ways to screw me and the dc'sover. I think the in-depth info will definitely have outed me on this one though. I haven't posted on the parenting section yet. I needed a rant and some adult advice and just a bit of comfort. Thank you everyone for being there for me.