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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be narked about others using my DS’s presents first?

45 replies

Silkei · 25/12/2018 18:36

Family Xmas with the in-laws. All of the kids have numerous gifts. But SIL’s kids are playing with my DS’s toys instead of their own. Normally I’m in favour of telling kids to share but my DS hasn’t even had a chance to play with them himself yet! So when he gets his toys back from his cousins they’ll have been used.

His youngest cousin has spent the last half hour crashing DS’s new fire truck into the wall and now DS is crying because he’s just got his hands on it for the first time and it’s already scratched. And his cousin is having hysterics and yelling It’s mine! because DS is daring to touch it.

OP posts:

Kikipost · 25/12/2018 20:05

“Kick off”??

Or just say “ok I’ll take them because DS only just received from Santa and he’s desperate to have a play with them. But later on you’ll definitely have a go”

Neverunderfed · 25/12/2018 20:07

How old is your child? Not sure mine would notice a scuff. Anyway, in those circumstances you should step in and take it. Nicely of course

Yura · 25/12/2018 20:10

How old are they? Acceptable if they are 2, not acceptable if any older.

Helix1244 · 25/12/2018 20:13

Yabu
What are the ages. Kids especially young ones play with any toy that is about. Yours was happily doing a jigsaw. It is hardly the other parents fault that a toy is damaged that easily.
The words from cousin also suggest he is quite young of course he is going to say it's his. Just like when people take scooters /bikes/footballs to the park it is inevitable that 2yos etc will try to grab them.
And especially at xmas when the kid would have a load of new stuff so may be a bit unclear which is which.
Now you know cousin is like this as pp have said try to leave most of the toys in another room.
Sometimes things will get lostt/broken accidentally when lending/borrowing/sharing which is why mostly people dont do this with expensive items.
Dd1 broke off the arm of a toy today of dd2, dd2 didnt see 3.5yo but probably would have had a tantrum then got over it. In about 5min. Toys often arent that well made.
Though tbh banging a toy on the wall repeatedly is a little odd and neither of mine have done this luckily.
Also xmas is tiring for kids they are overexcited/overtired and eat too much sugar, possibly eating at different times to usual and napping unexpectedly in the car etc.
Not to mention of course wiyh cousins and even siblings often another will have been given a much better toy/more toys so although they may not tantrum about it they are possibly sad/jealous

mummabubs · 25/12/2018 20:24

We have this exact situation at my in-laws too OP. On my DS's birthday this year we were at in-laws. They gave DS a ride along horse. Both DN's (who are both older than our 1yo DS) instantly grabbed it and spent the next 20 minutes riding on it before my DS had even been near it and then just like in your position they had screaming fits when it was then taken away again for DS. I find it hard to lay boundaries when all in-laws were in the room and encouraging my nieces to use DS's present. The solution this year is we've put all of DS's presents from my parents at their house and will pick them up again after we've visited the in-laws this week. And when we visit I'll be doing what others have suggested and "moving toys out of the way to make space".

BackforGood · 25/12/2018 20:33

how many people actually think it's reasonable to kick off on Christmas day at their in laws over a child playing with a toy?

Nobody is suggesting 'kicking off'. As Junipers says A simple "let x play with his present first please. You've got a lovely car here" and distract him and then take it or more assertively "I'm going to put that truck away because we don't want it to get broken. Here is your car". is all it needs.

MumW · 25/12/2018 20:52

When our kids were little, they and their nieceseach had a cardboard box and as things were unwrapped, they were placed in their box which made it easier to keep track of what belonged to which child and "No that's X or Y's box".

Neverunderfed · 25/12/2018 21:06

Why would you kick off? 🤔 All it would take is a "oooh love that's C's new car, let me put it away for him". Hardly a rugby tackle and a bawling match 😂

GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 21:15

@Neverunderfed you clearly haven't read the MN threads where Merry hell has broken loose because SIL have the kids a funny look and now they're all NC

Ghanagirl · 25/12/2018 21:20

@littlequestion
*I don’t get all this “share nicely” stuff - it
isn’t fair to kids. If you get new clothes for Christmas, would you mind someone else grabbing them and wearing them first?
This
Imagine someone taking a turn of your brand new mulberry handbag that you were gifted for Christmas...

GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 21:29

As a parent of 2 small children I find it a constant battle between the "share with your brother" and "no that belongs to your sister" - we seem to have no rules around sharing anymore in this house, I just do whatever gives me any easy life

Original poster

Silkei · 25/12/2018 23:31

SIL has made sarky comments in the past if ive told DN not to touch something. I can just imagine if I said to DN “that belongs to DS” and took it away. DN would tantrum and start screaming, SIL would be infuriated because I’d upset her child, then DS would start crying because he doesn’t like to hear screaming. There would be bad feeling all round and SIL would kick off in retaliation if DS so much as laid a finger on anything belonging to DN ever again.

OP posts:

ReflectentMonatomism · 25/12/2018 23:37

I can just imagine if I said to DN “that belongs to DS” and took it away. DN would tantrum and start screaming, SIL would be infuriated because I’d upset her child

Why are you spending Christmas, or indeed much time at any time of the year, with these people? They sound extremely hard work.

Original poster

Silkei · 25/12/2018 23:56

They’re DH’s family. I can’t avoid them forever. He certainly won’t accept not seeing them at Christmas.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 26/12/2018 00:04

So, in anticipation of that, as they are opened, put them into a box or giant bag "so you can keep them all together for saying thankyou to the right people" or "to make sure none of the pieces get lost" or "so they don't get mixed up with dn's things and upset anyone on Christmas day" or "so you can get them out one by one when ds isn't overwhelemed and excited to be with his cousin, once we get home" or "so you can all have a relaxed morning and not have to be there opening boxes and putting pieces together" etc, and take the gifts up to your room (if you are staying) or out into the boot of the car (if you are going home that day).
It's not difficult.

HopeGarden · 26/12/2018 00:40

^^ what BackforGood said.

You know they’re like that, so make sure any presents are put out of the way before DN has a chance to look at them.

Cherries101 · 26/12/2018 04:19

I think this will come back to bite sil when your ds is old enough to ruin her ds’ presents. When that happens just give her a long list of examples of what her ds does.

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/12/2018 15:18

sometimes you have to let sil 'kick off' and stand up to her every time she plays her games.........you can't allow her to mug you off forever

HomeMadeMadness · 26/12/2018 15:24

I do think there is a lot of angst over nothing. When mine were little (I'm assuming they're all toddlers) at Christmas they'd all play with each others toys without much bother. Sometimes their cousins would play with their toys first and they didn't care because there was so many new things about. If one of the kids had wanted to play with their own new toys I'd have had no problem with their parent nicely explaining that it's X's new toy and he wants to play.

Of course 1-3 year olds might have a screaming fit when something is taken from them (if they're playing with it they think it's theirs) but that's just what toddlers do because their brains aren't able to process these things yet. You just distract them with something else.

dancinfeet · 26/12/2018 16:29

please stand up for your son and remove his new toys from the other kids. I grew up with having my stuff broken/ruined by younger nieces and nephews (there were 5 years between us) and used to get really upset. They were also allowed on occasion to help themselves to toys out of my room and keep them (my mum would 'decide' when I was too old for them) and I grew up to think I was a general nuisance. This was because I was considered too old' to make a fuss about that sort of thing (think 10/11 years old) but too young to be treat like my siblings who were all adults. I am very insecure as a result, especially round my extended family. I wish that someone would have stuck up for me as a child and told my younger relations that no they cannot help themselves to my belongings.

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