To address card to friend & their DH...

[AllKinds]

...when their DH passed away 6 years ago?

My friend lost her husband suddenly due to a heart attack aged 42. Ever since, she insists Christmas cards are sent to her & her DH, so he's not forgotten. She visits his grave every day.

Of course I do as she wishes, and I send flowers to them 'both' and I take her out for a nice meal before/after Xmas and we talk about her DH as much as she likes to.

But it's been 5 years. I've thankfully never lost anyone that close to me, so I'm not judging her and I'll keep doing as she wishes. But another friend told me I wasn't helping by 'move on' by doing this, and she refuses to put both names in her Xmas card.

AIBU or am I doing the right thing?

Mmm I kind of agree with your friend. I can't see it as healthy.

Maybe address it to her and mention her DH onside ‘to Mary, have a lovely Christmas, always remembering John’

I was Widowed, our youngest was six. I don't want to find someone else.

I agree that this isn't healthy. As harsh as it sounds, he's gone and she should be building a life without him.

I'd make this the last Christmas that it's addressed to him, but I'd talk to her about it, next year.

@Birdsgottafly I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your post - shall I bring it up gently with her? I feel her grief isn't my place to intrude upon, but I don't want her to be held back either.

She's very much living life as it was 6 years ago. Talks about him like he's here, buys presents, visits his grave daily still. But as I say, I feel I don't want to judge her, but our mutual friend made me think maybe I'm not actually helping at all.

Whatever you do won't change a thing - except your relationship with her. I think @LordProf has the balance right. It maintains reality whilst acknowledging her feelings of not moving on yet - and there is no law that says it is healthy that she should.

I am lucky, it's only my Dad that is dead, and I'm 'allowed' to be unhappy and not replace him. I can only imagine how losing a partner would feel, but I can totally understand why it would be completely within the realms of 'normal' to never 'move on' and to never wish to be with another person.

I would be more concerned with trying to re-engage her with life in other ways - so the visiting the grave can still go on, but alongside art clubs or nights out or history blogging or whatever.