Anyone else struggling with family already ...

[Pompombears2]

.... Don't get me wrong, I've got so much to be happy about! My DCs are loving Christmas and went to be v happy about santa etc...

But I just feel sad in my stomach. Had dinner with mum tonight. A few things reminded me of my christmases as a kid and life generally growing up which was shit at best. Being around family and Christmas time is great in many ways, but it's also a nightmare isn't it? And the toxicity is really having a negative impact on me tonight.

Anyone else feeling blue and looking forward to things getting back to normal and the extended family disappearing again ?

I get on well with mine but all of us together and tensions do surface.

Yep

It's such a difficult time, OP. Especially for people whose memories of Christmas are one emotional drama after another (with or without some violence or other toxicity).

For anybody who is estranged from family or caught up in difficult behaviour patterns with them.

Dr Blake and Becca also say that the TV version of families, especially at this time of year, makes people feel worse about their estrangement. ‘Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,’ says Blake. ‘There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives. The reality doesn’t always look like this, but people don’t talk about that. Family estrangement is a silent epidemic.’ So is it on the rise?

The experts we spoke to said the exact figures are hard to pinpoint, but a 2015 study by US universities Purdue and Cornell found that one in 10 families with adult children is estranged from one of those children.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/estrangement-from-family-at-christmas-how-we-cope/

Just the 4 of us this year but DH has recently diagnosed depression, and whilst I empathise of course it's fucking hard to live with at times like Christmas. He's lazy and miserable and had I not made every bit of effort from picking presents to wrapping there'd be no Christmas at all for our kids. I'm dreading tomorrow, I know it's terrible for him but I'd rather he stayed in bed than pull lemon faces all day.

It doesn't help that all I see on social media (yes I know I should stay off) is happy families gathered round in matching PJs having the best time eva

I don't have any happy memories of Christmas and have always tried my best to give the kids the best one I could. This year I wanted to pull out all the stops, being a single mum is tough and I can't always afford to buy treats, so I spent months saving and planning. I asked my grandad to make my girls a play shop even offered money for him to it (just wanted a better quality than the plastic ones in the shops) tonight he has decided to tell me that him and the extended family are giving it to the girls for Christmas. I have no time now to fi d anything else and come tomorrow morning the girls will realise that mummy didn't get them anything for Christmas. I have spent all night crying and I am now dreading getting up in the morning

When Father Christmas is dropping off presents tonight, I'd quite like if he'd stick MIL in the sleigh and take her off to the North Pole, although what has the poor man ever done to deserve that?!

@Exhaustedmummy1811 has one not been made for them or is it just a case of them getting it from family later in the day?

I’m so sorry. And for them not to realise how upsetting that would be for you is awful.

I’ve never been hugely into Christmas. I had several growing up that were difficult for a number of reasons and I’m a bit bitter about it. I moved quite far away from my hometown and now I have a DC of my own, I’ve invited my Mother to stay with us as she lives on her own. She’s great with DC but we have next to no relationship to speak of and I find it very stressful having her in my house tbh.

@gunpowder one was made yes but the family are giving it to the girls boxing day night as a gift from my grandparents and aunties and I wasn't even informed till 7pm tonight

That's so shit exhausted! How mean to tell you that. Could you say it's such a special present Santa is taking an extra day to make it but it will be worth it?

Yes

I choose to spend xmas on my own. I know if I spent it with my mother I'd start screaming and never stop. It's a shame because it prevents me enjoying it with my sisters and their children.
But my sanity is more important.

My mum and sister have been here for 3 days and leave Boxing Day evening and I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth to my sanity now! They are just difficult people and I'm trying my best to keep things jollying along for my DD's sakes.

I made so many mistakes last year walked into situations without protecting myself going to everyone’s house with the expectation of being treated nicely.
I avoided every situation that hurt me last year...Xmas party..Xmas eve at my uncles where I walked in and was dirty looked and ignored by several people. Looking back on that they had that all planned out to treat me that way that night iv avoided that house since especially this month. I’m expected at another family members tomorrow night where the toxic environment was so embarrassing last year I had to apologize to my partner over them.
I see some family members controlling others in the family.
They will expect us out 2mo I have zero intention of going.
Another family get together on the Boxing Day that I will grit and bear cos anything they say can’t ruin my Xmas as Xmas is over by then haha
I am doing what I want from now on their attempt at guilt tripping on the Boxing Day will be funny and predictable. They try to project their guilt onto you I laugh it off now but at the same time avoid them as much as possible. One family member was being really fussy today and I could actually feel my anxiety starting to come but I forced it out of my head thankfully cos I can’t afford for that to take hold of me these next few days.
This Xmas was the most relaxing in years and fun.
I love the fact I’m staying home all day 2mo

@Exhaustedmummy1811 That is pretty shit of them. Do they have presents from santa? Could you take one of those to give them instead? Or buy a voucher online for an activity? Groupon, wowcher, buyagift all send a voucher to you immediately so you could show them that tomorrow?

I had an unfortunate incident with my dad the other day (basically sacked off seeing his gc for the first time in a year because his "d" p wanted to have a nap), and his "d"p kids are splashing all over social about them having a "wonderful" family Christmas get together.

I shouldn't give a shit. I have a wonderful dh, dcs, fil. Spending Boxing Day with my dsis and her family. My brother popped to visit this weekend. But, I think of how my dear old dm always made Christmas so special (despite many MANY larger toxic issues) and I just feel insurmountable rage about it. Like petulant child that just wants to stamp her feet and scream at him.

I won't and it would be a waste of effort, breath and fucks, but gawwwwd I want to do badly.

@Exhaustedmummy1811 That has got to be one of the shittiest things I've ever heard!

Ceecee has a great idea re the vouchers, etc. Or maybe you can think up a special surprise (amusement park, getaway to the beach) and print a 'gift certificate' from you to them.

I'm having a fab Christmas. DH has walked out on Xmas Eve....

for all who need it.
I've already told DM off twice for attempting to police my (fine, maybe a few extra quality streets) food intake. Satan help her if she tries to start on my alcohol intake. Trivial, but still made me feel like shit, how dare i have an extra oatcake and cheese at bedtime just because she has food issues.

My heart goes out to those of you really struggling with Christmas but please don't put so much pressure on yourselves about gifts or lack of when it comes to the kids.
Kids remember the little things and the best Christmas that was usually because of something simple that cost nothing.

Easier said than done especially if you're already in a cycle of having to tolerate and suffer in laws and ex-partners but it's your Christmas too. You deserve to take time out and kick back / enjoy and have fun you're not there to pander to everyone else's whims.

Guests in your home are still in your home make sure they remember that.

You have to draw the line and decide at what point enough is enough. If you've along since drawn it then go over it again and lay it out with stones.

This is your Christmas too.

It doesn't help that all I see on social media (yes I know I should stay off) is happy families gathered round in matching PJs having the best time eva

If you been a fly on the wall you'd have seen the arguments trying to get that little scene organised. If it's any consolation xmas eve was decidedly sad here as we were thinking of somebody who is on their last Christmas and is unavoidably alone. My eldest cried about them, so did I and dc2 joined in. Dc3 is too young to really get it.

Just back from holiday with DH and went to see DSS family yesterday (they live 1/2 hour away so are the most local of our family having recently moved 250 miles). Original plans were for us to go to them for the day on Boxing Day (including dinner) as DSS is working today (works in a hotel kitchen). During our brief visit nothing was mentioned about time to go over, what meal plans are for the day or who else is going to be there. Good thing we also braved the local supermarket yesterday morning as it looks like we’ll be cooking for ourselves once we get back from visiting to deliver presents!!

Also not impressed that DSS decided to open his present from us when it was delivered at the end of last month - went to their house as we were spending the day with them and so no one here to take delivery - before we even arrived at their house. Means the DGC have a couple of things to unwrap but parents haven’t.

Lastly, if I’m honest, Christmas can just do one this year as I’m not feeling the love on what is my first Christmas without my DM - I’m going through the motions when, really, all I want to do is stay at home and do nothing, see no one and not plaster a smile on my face about presents I neither want nor like!!

One of my sons has huge issues with his siblings (long back story) and won't celebrate xmas.
That's fine and his choice but he has a very passive aggressive attitude towards me as I am still in contact with them and naturally have seen/will be seeing them over the xmas period.
It's very difficult keeping calm and not rising to the jibes.
I do feel sorry for him though as he has moved into a rented nightmare of a flat ( street noise/screaming /shouting until 4.30 in the morning.)
He's just starting a new job and hopefully things will improve for him next year.
He was staying with me but we find it very difficult to live with each other and need our own space.
He is very minimalist , no TV, social media etc and he has MH problems.
I am sad for the little boy he once was and hope he finds happiness in the future.

@worlybear That is sad but he shouldn't be an arse towards you about it. Appreciate I don't know the details but you can't be expected to side or not be in contact for goodness sake.

I left my DP and our young adult DTs in the spring. Our DD is fine with me but DS says I'm dead to him. He refuses to communicate with me (not because of my leaving,but because of an appalling thing I allegedly did that he won't name and no one has ever been able to identify).

So ex has both DCs in the family home, but no Xmas at all there as ex hates Xmas (and I did it all every year) and I'm alone in my new house.

This too will pass. Just wish I'd got more nice any food in!

It bloody sucks.