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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For the love of my DD I stay

23 replies

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 17:51

I am ridiculously unhappy in a non relationship, my DD has dreams of Mummy and Daddy getting married I on the other hand want to escape but can never do it as my DD would be beyond devastated. I feel imprisoned in my life. I know I can’t leave does anyone have any coping mechanisms or advice as I’m sure I’m not alone in this....

OP posts:

JamPasty · 24/12/2018 17:54

Surely your DD will be more devastated, long term, by having a parent that isn't happy?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/12/2018 17:54

Your daughter will never be happy if she grows up in a loveless, unhappy home and her mother is miserable.

Floralhousecoat · 24/12/2018 17:55

Op for the love of God stop putting this down to your dd. That is wrong. You're staying in a bad relationship and saying it's for your daughter's sake. That's selfish behaviour on your part. Why make her responsible for your pain? What are you teaching her about relationships?

AdelaideK · 24/12/2018 17:56

For the love of my DSs I left.

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 17:57

JamPasty I think she knows - she’s just given me the Christmas Eve pyjamas and said come on let’s try and have a lovely night. I will do anything for her but struggle so much living a lie. I know I should put them in paint in a smile and enjoy but inside I’m screaming ... I hate this

OP posts:

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 17:58

Floralhousecoat Oh hello ! I never said my DD was responsible for my pain. I said I did not want to cause her pain so wind your neck in.

OP posts:

JamPasty · 24/12/2018 17:59

So end the relationship - everyone will be happier once the initial shock wears off

Zofloramummy · 24/12/2018 17:59

What coping mechanisms are you hoping to hear about? It you are fundamentally miserable in your relationship you can’t hide it. It seeps I to every part of your life.
From your post I suspect your dd is quite young? All children want the fairytale family. And yet they adjust when life doesn’t turn out that way.
A friend of mine is leaving a 10 year relationship and 5 year marriage with 2 dc. They aren’t ‘unhappy’ but they don’t like or love each other anymore. Both of them know that it’s isnt modelling a good relationship for their kids.
There is no easy solution I’m afraid.

arranbubonicplague · 24/12/2018 18:00

OP, you might want to reflect on just how many people you know, in adulthood, were startled to discover that one, other, or both of their parents were in a loveless, joyless relationship.

By and large, adults are not as skilled at concealing real life in the home from their children as they think they are.

However, if you are prepared to choose to conceal your feelings and are confident that both you and your partner are equally likely to be able to sustain the fiction of a dream home, then that is a choice that is available. As long as you never, ever, ascribe responsibility for this decision to your DD.

Zofloramummy · 24/12/2018 18:01

If she knows then you aren’t saving her any pain by staying, quite the opposite.

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 18:05

Thank you I’m not sure what I’m to do so many people will be upset - both families are close and I’m not relishing the thought of causing heartache. I know I’m in an impossible situation and question myself all the time. I think be actually voicing it in here is a release. So thank you for listening.

OP posts:

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 24/12/2018 18:06

I did what you are doing and it just made things worse in the long run. I stuck at a relationship that was dead, I stayed for the children and, in hindsight, it was completely the wrong thing to do. People told me I was wrong but I wouldn't listen...how I wish I had.

Your daughter doesn't want you to sacrifice every scrap of happiness for her, it is a huge responsibility to put on a child.

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 18:08

Oddsocksandmeatballs What did you do? Are you happy? More importantly are the children happy? X

OP posts:

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 24/12/2018 18:21

I am and so are they. Now. I waited until they were adults to leave but in doing that I caused far more pain than I would've done had I left when I originally planned to. My children are happy now but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of heartache to get to where we are now, they have even accepted my new partner which is amazing but it has been a very rocky road.

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 18:33

Oddsocksandmeatballs So glad you are happy x

OP posts:

purplelila2 · 24/12/2018 19:22

I'm in a similar situation i take each day as it comes.

I've got 3 kids and stay for their sake but also for the convience as my kids are young.
I wouldn't be able to cope with working full time and school runs their half terms etc.

I'm not that well paid.

I also stay because of my house I killed myself to be able to buy this modest 2 bedroom house. I'm not giving him half as he didn't work towards it.
Whilst I was scrimping and going without he was taking out finance on cars.

purplelila2 · 24/12/2018 19:23

I also hope that given time I may feel differently.
I try not to think about the relationship which I find helps.

NotANotMan · 24/12/2018 19:26

How old is DD?

RatherBeRiding · 24/12/2018 19:39

So families will be upset - not their life though, is it? Do you really think any family member who loves you would want you to stay in a had marriage just to save them from "upset"? They'll get over it.

It will be a blow to your daughter, no doubt, but much more of a blow to learn, when she is old enough to understand, that she was the reason you stayed in a miserable marriage. That's not something a child should have to deal with,

Better for your DD to have a happy mother, and for her parents to be honest with each other - and her.

Original poster

Perfectdisaster · 24/12/2018 23:47

purplelila2 I totally understand.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 24/12/2018 23:54

I tried to make an unhappy marriage work several times for the DC sake but you can’t make yourself love someone . It wasn’t easy but I’m so glad I finally ended the marriage. I met my now husband 2 years later and he is brilliant with the DC. You can’t live a lie , children know when their parents are unhappy and that will affect them.

QuiteChic · 25/12/2018 00:15

I don’t know how many times I’ve read this on mumsnet, but I do know how long I’ve spent listening to a very bitter old woman who stayed “because of the children and the upset it would cause the family”. And the amount of counselling I’ve had because I knew they only stayed together because of me. And the waste of two lives because they spent so much of their time so unhappy. And a brother who’s so closed down emotionally because of the anger he feels because they never had the courage to walk away and find the chance of happiness.
By all means tell yourself you are doing this for her, but understand that you could cause more unhappiness in the long term that you’ll never be able to repair.

Missingstreetlife · 25/12/2018 00:18

Try relate. If things don't improve make plans to seperate. Life is too short

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