Mum feeding my DD

[SofaKingFedUp]

I am currently living with my mum, my ex left me when I was 5 months pregnant and my mum offered me to stay with her so she could help me out with DD easier and so I could save some money for an affordable place. Will hopefully be moving out in a couple months. I am ever so grateful for this, and I stick to the "my house, my rules" type thing.

My DD is 8 months and now she is on solids I try to give her the healthiest varied diet. She mostly just eats fruit and veg, some fish, some meats and Greek yoghurt etc. I don't give her any diluting juice because she is still not sure with water, she won't take it very well, but she's gettin better and is drinking it a bit more. I'm not going to be really strict, I have allowed her to have a little bit of chocolate etc to taste, or we were at a family meal on Saturday and a relative gave her a pack of milky buttons so I gave her a few. I give her some sweet treats but not all the time. I just want her to be used to fruit and veg and water first.
This morning I put DD on her high chair and went out the kitchen to make her breakfast, my mum was in there with her. I come back and DD has chocolate all over her face and clothes, so I just said in a nice way that her breakfast is coming and that she shouldn't be eating. My mum said that it was just a small bit. I sat down to feed DD and, again, in a nice way I said I don't want her eating chocolate alot. I think my mum got offended because she said "it's just a small bit of chocolate" and left the room.
I wouldn't have said anything if this was the first time, but it's not. She has coffee in the mornings with cream on and she gives DD the cream, if she's eating chips she'll give DD one, I've caught her giving her a taste of coke from a straw (like dripping it on her mouth), And if I'm eating something like chocolate she makes snarky comments like "oh mummy won't give you any cos she's selfish". Like I give her some sometimes, but I feel like she's too young to be eating chocolate and all sorts all the time, especially not when shes due to have food anyway because then she wont eat as much. My mum knows how I don't want DD eating crap food alot because we've spoken about it on many occasions. When I was at work the other day my mum was babysitting and I said do you want me to cut up some fruit and make a sandwich for her lunch later? She said no she'll sort it out, and when I got home I found out she'd given her rice pudding.

Now I feel like I've upset my mum which wasn't my intention, especially today. I said it in a nice way but maybe it's been interpreted differently but now she's away hiding in her room so I dont know what to do. Was IBU?

Sounds like two adults in the same house isn’t working.

It’s tough because she should respect your choices, but equally she’s helping you out, a lot, so probably feels the same.

Is moving out an option?

No, but living with your daughter and grandchild blurs the lines a bit. If she was older and say your mum looking after her for a day then I would say give her some leeway with some food.
DD is 3 and doesn’t have anything other than water and milk most days (she has juice at parties because she wants to be like her friends). Chocolate is limited to a couple of bits a month (usually given from a relative rather than myself or DP)
How long do you realistically think you’ll be at your mums?

It’s hard. I think you’re reacting but I also think granny should support your parenting. Rice pudding is probably as healthy as a sandwich and fruit, to be honest. Certainly not harmful as a one off. It contains rice as carbohydrates which replaces the bread but is probably better, protein from milk and the fat level with be similar to a sandwich. The sugar in reality isn’t much different whether it comes from sugar or fruit.

Occasional chocolate or a chip won’t kill her but it has to be occasional. Far better she eats what you eat at a table learning to consume the same as everyone else so I don’t think you making her a sandwich is a good idea - granny should be giving her what granny has. You should be giving her what you have. Unless your diets are awful - in which case it’s that you should address.

What granny is doing is teaching her to eat a wide range of tastes and textures which is a good thing. It might well be she’s doing you a huge favour by not creating a fussy eater. That with your healthy eating norms will stand her in good stead.
I’d ditch cola though by explaining nobody should drink it and particularly not girls as it rots your teeth and strips the calcium from your bones due to the phosphorus levels. I’d say pick your battles and maybe relax a little.

It is hard, I lived with my mum when dd was born. But she was prem and very hard work so I happily gave my mum her as a baby(had to be fed every 3 hours an hour to get 30ml down her and an hour to wind her.)
When she became a bit older my mum wanted to do the spoil grandchild thing.
I just gritted my teeth and bared it for the few months.
It's not ideal but it's best option to just say. No sweets what so ever rather than just little bit.

She'll be fine. What's most important right now is that you and your daughter have somewhere to live.

In some ways at her age I think what you're mums n's doing is quite smart because she is giving her these foods and showing her that they're normal. so there's never a things made of them they aren't treats they aren't on occasion or contraband they're just part of everyday .there for your daughter will just see them as part of every day as well and therefore won't be more likely to get a complex early on and therefore won't crave them or seek them so often .
but I do get that she shes got to listen to you on some level so it's a hard one. Plus granny always gives us the good stuff when we go round is part of what they are and what they do

I do agree with you with wanting to limit junk. My daughter is almost 2 and still hasn't had chocolate, but then that is because we generally don't have chocolate in the house and we don't really eat it. She has CMPA so options are limited anyway, but that will change in time. But I think at the same time you need to lead by example. So if you are having a bit of chocolate, what is wrong with your child having a bit of chocolate? I literally never eat something in front of my child unless it's something I am willing to share. Believe me I'm no saint, sometimes I just want until she is in bed

It is hard with grandparents as they just want to treat their grandchildren all the time. Which is fine when it happens occasionally, but is more difficult when you live together. You need to have a proper sit down chat with her and explain you really appreciate all her help, you just want to establish her on healthier foods for now with the occasional goodies

It’s a really tough one. My parents have what I call “the cupboard of obesity”. I’ve always tried to fill up the DC before we go and compensate when we get home but that was just for visits.

If you can’t trust her while you’ve nipped into the kitchen, you need to either take DD with you, tell your DM how you’re feeling or move out.

I’d stop eating the chocolate in front of your DM too.

Move out as soon as you can-otherwise you'll be parenting by committee. Trust me!

That said, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. In the meantime agree some rules, but build in flexibility. So ask her not to give dd any chocolate but say if you want to give her a treat, giver her this (whatever you're ok with)

Yanbu OP your baby is very young and imo shouldn't be sipping coke and eating chocolate before breakfast. It's not the end of the world and what she's had so far won't have hurt her but it's obviously important to you that your mum doesn't feed DD anything your mum wants.

I would talk to her again. Pointing out how young she is and there's plenty of time for her to treat her GD in the years to come but for now she eats only what you prepare for her.

Oh dear poor you! I have sympthy for you & would suggest that you go through some ideas together for your Dd's diet, get some recipes that you can go through together - try to kerp it positive by asking your DM to choose from a range of recipes or sandwich fillers etc that you can all try.

All Nana's want to create good memories of them for their GC & i suspect that's what she's doing, its not always compatible with strict diets or parental boundaries that you rightly want yo create. Grin & bear it, you sound like a fabulous mum & she sounds like a doting nana. Your DD is lucky to have you both.

I won't be here much longer, the plan was to move out early next year, just to get Christmas out of the way. I have saved almost enough now and went back to work early to save a bit extra.
I love living with my mum at times, don't get me wrong, she's great with DD and I'm really very grateful for what she has done for me and probably will continue to do for me even after I move out.
It's just my mum seems to be giving her this crap food more often now. DD has alot of different food, she loves food. She eats the same time as us in the evening. My mum doesn't eat during the day, she picks at snacky foods such as chocolate and crisps, that's my issue when I'm away at work though, if I've caught her giving DD chocolate, cream and coke while I'm in the house then I'm just thinking that maybe she's giving her more when I'm not around.

Like I will give DD sweet treats. I'm not gonna stop her from eating all bad food. Just it seems my mum is giving her more and more as the weeks go by. Past couple of days DD won't eat her food but will scoff dessert and I don't know if that's because she's got the taste for sweet things now, whereas before she would eat veggies till they came out of her ears. Maybe I'm over reacting a little, it's just my gran babysits her step grandchild and the mum gives the food ready which is a good healthy meal, but my gran chooses to give chips and chicken nuggets instead because she thinks he's eating too much veg.... I'm just worried my mum will do the same, although I would hope not.

I'll see how it goes. I'll try to not mention it again because I don't want to upset her.

Most of you are probably right, nanas always give the best treats, and I know my mum loves being a nana so will give DD what she wants. And yes giving her some sweet stuff like it's normal is probably a good thing @kateandm, I don't want her to crave it alot. I just didn't want her having loads at a young age. Just a little bit here and there. Her diet is good other than that. She's a bigger baby but not over weight. She's chunky, I'm just a worrier. I worry about everything and be a FTM I don't know what I'm doing I'm just winging it lol.

I'm a grandma and I love my GC but I wouldn't dream of giving food that their parents haven't said was ok. I always ask.

I say this with kindness as I was very precious when my first was small but honestly this won't matter in years to come.

If you weren't living together it would less of an issue as you just leave or she does and you can get back to life but it does complicate things.

I am sure you are greatful that you are being supported so just see it as a compromise

I think what you're mums n's doing is quite smart because she is giving her these foods and showing her that they're normal. so there's never a things made of them they aren't treats they aren't on occasion or contraband they're just part of everyday .there for your daughter will just see them as part of every day as well and therefore won't be more likely to get a complex early on and therefore won't crave them or seek them so often

I agree. My cousins kids were never allowed anything, and now they go crazy for any "banned" foods.
We have a massive box of sweets and chocolates, they've never been out of bounds for my daughter, and so she's not really interested in them! Hence me just binning a load of chocolate from Xmas last year and Easter.

And as for planning to move out of your mums, I thought that! Six years later I'm still here.

It's not the grandmas place to be giving her gd cola or chocolate.

I also follow the policy of not having banned foods as I think it makes children crave them more - but at 8 months no way would I be giving them chocolate and coke. There is no need - they don’t know what they are missing so won’t ask for it. Why give such a small child so much sugar and caffeine

Stuff like this is so tricky because your mum is doing a massive favour, but like you I would be fuming if someone gave my 8 month old coke!!

Can you work with your mum to meet in the middle and set some guidelines? Eg. No fizzy drinks, chocolate is allowed but only after a healthy meal, etc.

I've never given any rules to anyone looking after my kids about food or anything for that matter. I was always super grateful that I was getting a break.

Just apologise, say you over reacted and you're just trying to give your DD a healthy diet. Say you're happy for her to give her a few little treats, but could she just check with you first, in case she's about to have breakfast or something.

Don't worry about the occasional bit of rice pudding or a chip.

It'll be much easier when you move out, because grandma can then treat when she sees her and you won't need to worry about watching all the time.

As a former diet coke drinker, I would be incandescent about the coke. The rest I would let slide if they're tiny tastes but fizzy caffeinated drinks would be an absolute no.

Rotting teeth with no enamel is not a good look and giving her the taste is very wrong.

YANBU. I hated everyone trying to give DD tastes of things when she was that age, especially as she had a milk allergy and people kept 'forgetting'. If you're moving out soon I wouldn't worry about it as she will have less time with her then. In the mean time I would probably try to stop them being alone together at meal times so limit it.

I would definitely say something about the fizzy drinks though. No way should an 8 month old be having those. Too much sugar and caffeine.