Is an online dating profile cheating

[glx]

I'll try not to ramble. I'm in my 50s with a completely disastrous dating history and marriage behind me. Never dated anyone remotely right for me and pretty much always binned. Then 8 months ago started seeing someone & we just clicked. Never ever a cross word, every date lovely, compatible emotionally, intellectually, physically. Both said how lucky we were / couldn't believe we'd found each other. He's had a different story to me,but very hard few years. Then last w/e, lovely dinner at mine with friends, Sun am phone on side table, a "like" from bumble. Then I put username into Google & 3 or 4 more sites came up. We met online. We spoke about it straight away, he was desolate that he had hurt me; it was 'life admin' in recent months. At the beginning he had looked sometimes, but hasn't exchanged messages with anyone. Partly habit, partly wondering if I could really be the one. Then recently he realised he loved me and this could be forever - as I feel. He's clever and quiet and stable, he means what he says. But I've had a horrendous week - can't eat or sleep, cried for 1st time over him. I think we could be happy together forever/ could have been. But I don't know how to get past the start not being the start I thought it was. People get over affairs in marriages, why is this so hard. He's deleted the accounts now without asking. Invited me to stuff over Christmas & NY with family & oldest friends. I guess I'm not seen as temporary. I love him very much; first time I've ever loved anyone who's loved me. Feels like yet another Christmas ruined feeling stressed and upset over some man. Any perspective????

Pretty sure you posted this exact thing yesterday?

same question, still worried about the same thing. Yep, same issue today as yesterday

I don't understand, is it that he still has his profiles active as he hasn't gotten round to deleting them (Been with dp 8 years and I would be surprised if I deleted all accounts tbh) or is he still actively using the accounts?

Yeah I don’t get it either. I had an account years ago and everynow and then it gets a like mostly because I can’t remember the passwords to get in to it and shut it down!

If it’s just an incoming like it might not mean anything. If it’s a new account or likes or chat going out then it’s cheating.

Well the 1 was active, an app so 'likes' pop up on screen. He said he used to look at them when we were first together, basically to check if he was right that he'd made right decision or something, but he said hadn't messaged etc since meeting me. But if you enjoy the volume of attention you get online, that's different from a real relationship. I was pleased to swap online for real. He said it was a habit.

I think a lot of people don't delete accounts immediately but he deleted them without you asking, that says a lot.

When you've had disastrous love lives, I do get him wanting to be sure this is the real deal & so keeping the accounts open. In hindsight I dare say he regrets not having done it sooner but he didn't & here you are.

He's made a mistake & hasn't tried to wriggle out of it with some BS story, he' fully explained & done the right thing.

I understand your confusion but you need to separate this out from what's happened from previous relationships. Look at your relationship, think about your feelings for him & start to trust it & him.

Don't let past insecurities ruin what sounds like the real deal to me.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill to be honest. He realised you were upset and deleted the accounts. So there's nothing to worry about any more.

I can't work out how to reply to tag posts, but thank you so much "Flowerpot". I normally talk a lot with friends when anything worries me but I don't want to tell anyone about this. You can still see the "PoF" a/c via google but photos gone thank god...... It is a trial to delete these accounts I know.

I was online for 5 years before I met OH and yes, logging in in the e endings after kiddies were in bed had become the norm. I continued to look for the exact reasons you oh has given you, habit and holding on in case my love story with oh was too good to be true. I don't know if he logged in too but he was still getting messages. When he did, he showed them to me and we laugh. We'll him more than me as some of the girls were gorgeous.

We've been together 10 years exactly and married 5. One thing that makes him especially special is that he has never ever given me reasons to doubt his faithfulness. His actions towards me have spoken much more than whether he logged in or not on a site, and same with me.

Should have clarified, this was logging in for 5 minutes reading messages, not going on search, let alone answering or posting any messages.

I probably am making a mountain out of a molehill. Don't want to talk about it with him again either. Not fair really, we talked it through - can't keep banging on about it.

Think my worry is I was certain I was what he wanted, now I think the sort of excitement that comes with some online stuff is what appeals

I don't see any reason to keep a dating app active unless you are checking out other options. In particular when it is sending alerts. Why would you want to be disturbed by irrelevant beeps? It's so easy to delete apps there is no excuse not to.

I do think your insecurities are fuelling this OP & definitely over thinking it now.

Stop looking at his actions, which have been above reproach since the issue came to light, & start focusing on your lack of self worth. You have something special with this man & you will ruin it if you keep doing what you are.

Where this is at now, is about you, not about what happened.

Swingofthings - your situation sounds really similar - the habit of checking. Tbh only reason I had no choice to make was because I'd only paid for 3 mths or something so it was ending anyway. I wouldn't be able to delete now, wouldn't have a clue.

I need to remember his actions speak louder than the online stuff....

Thank you so much to people bothering to post. I've been so upset about this

It can be habit. Also, you can have friendships with people on there when there is no attraction. He has deleted them now.
It really means nothing.

Life admin? Really?
In 8 months of “likes” he hasn’t at least hidden his profiles (if not deleted) yet it was so hard to get round to that he was able to do it immediately that you found out about it?
I’m sorry, but my view on the deletion isn’t that it’s a positive that he did it to reassure you, but a negative that he needed the accounts gone before you started thinking and asked to see the activity on them.

And this is why I'm so confused. His actions in the real world could not be more lovely and he speaks very sincerely and our time together is always lovely. But some posters are saying "yeah right".......

I’m not saying he’s definitely a cheat... most likely it was ego stroking. I don’t believe life admin excuse was higher on the reasons list than that ego stroking. I’m not even saying dump him.
But I’d be alert and not get too comfortable yet.
Actions speak louder than words, anc though you have good actions too, I wouldn’t forget this continued OLD activity action completely.
And I wouldn’t pay any attention to “desolate” - most cheaters are “desolate” when they don’t want to lose what they’ve got.

The thing is, glx is that no-one here can tell you.
It’s all opinions.
I have personally had a husband in tears and “devastated” over some circumstantial evidence of cheating (email from OLD as it happens!) that it was innocent, couldn’t bear to lose me. Turned out it wasn’t at all.

Some posters will say I’m too cynical and bitter, others will say I’m right to be. It’s all personal experience.

Spend any time on the Relationships board here, and you’ll have many tales of men who were “devastated” but weren’t at all.

I think it’s a real shame that he deleted the accounts. And again, none of us can know if that was a grand show of “it won’t happen again” or “shit, don’t want her seeing me chatting to X person in June, even though it was just flirtation and we didn’t meet up”.

I feel for you, because no-one, including you, can know 100%.

In your case, I’d keep my wits about me. I’d formed a habit of checking my OLD accounts too - funnily enough it was an easy habit to break as soon as I was dating someone seriously.

I’m torn on this now... because checking up on someone is no way to live (I know!). But I think I’d be asking to see his email notifications, if he had an account that did that as well as the app (I’m only familiar with POF and Match from 5 years ago!). A like once in a blue moon = couldn’t be bothered to delete the account. Interaction = dump.

Thewifipasswordis - your stop being mental comment made me laugh. Thing is, if it is what he says (which is obviously an option) then if I'm a nutter about it, I won't be the person he thought he was going out with

Actually, I think it is really unhelpful to trot out the “nutter” word. And quite offensive.

Fact: A man you are dating for 8 months, has multiple live OLD accounts.

Fact: it is very common for people to cheat.

Fact: it is very common to lie when caught out.

There is nothing of the “nutter” about considering all logical situations.
There is nothing “mental” about thinking he may be a liar.

If he is the decent man you that you thought he was, he’ll understand that, not thinking you “mental” at all, and give you the reassurance you need, and the time you need, to take him at his word.

It’s very likely that this is nothing more than life admin. It’s also perfectly likely that he was still enjoying the ego stroke - and although that’s understandable, you’re not “mental” if you’re not happy about that.

And you’re absolutely not “mental” for thinking the could be cheating. It probably isn’t. But it’s not crazy paranoia or nutter behaviour to have your wits about you. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for being perfectly logical and sensible.

Ellissandra, thank you for taking the time to write such long replies. I think he liked the ego stroking, but I said if the real world isn't enough - & it isn't for some people - that's fine, but it's not something I'll be part of.

OP, I can understand how you feel, but I do think you’re overthinking this. It’s probably just habit for him and there’s no reason to think he’s actively trying to keep his options open. I’ve never been on online dating tbh, but I imagine it’s a bit like MN in a way - something that becomes habit and you never get round to deleting!

I think you should put this out of your mind. He’s realised he’s upset you. He’s deleted it all now with no arguments or wrangling. Enjoy Xmas together. Nobody is perfect and there are no guarantees of anything, but trust your gut instinct. I think this will be ok.

I found my ex still had his POF profile up months after we met. I then found a tinder account on his phone which he swore he wasn't using. I made another POF profile and told him if he was live on there, I would be too - he hit the roof. But he didn't delete that profile for ages.
To me it was clear he didn't feel I was the one, despite me knowing he loved me. it added stress and trust issues to our relationship.
I then found out he was messaging women he had previously met on dating apps via Facebook and Instagram. His WhatsApp history showed 3am calls to these women and then I found love declarations to an ex from 5yrs before saying he can't get over her and will never move on.
We weren't young, he was 39 at the time and should have known better than to mess with people's feelings. It seems to me that as men get a lot less interest from dating sites, they 'settle' for what they think they can put up with and then secretly look for better.
His view was that he loved me and wanted a future together and he'd made a silly mistake that I should just forgive and forget and it would be my fault if I couldn't do that.