To feel ashamed of my own daughter? Long!

[OhdDarlingClementine]

Well I'm not sure ashamed is the right word, trying to gain perspective here.

My estranged mother sent my adult DD an email a few days ago to wish her a happy Christmas and to ask if she could put some money in her account so she could buy herself and her brothers presents.

DD was at a friend's but immediately phoned me to tell me, telling me gleefully that she was going to say Yes as it'd probably be a few hundred and she was running short on cash. She went on to say that was all my mother was good for.

I'm quite angry about this as I haven't brought her up to use people (even those I hate) and it feels like 'dirty' money to me. She hasn't got enough money to buy us presents so will use my mother's money to buy some for her brothers and say they're from her. Youngest DS doesn't know my mother and I've told DD she can answer why he got a present from her if she's going to say they're from my mother.

Backstory here is she that met my mother again last year after 5 years NC(mother gave her cash at meeting). I instigated her meeting my mother again as she used to get upset about the NC situation. After this meeting my mother never contacted her at Christmas or on her birthday until DD contacted her earlier this year as she was upset about it. My mother sent her an email stating that the NC was all my fault and she had bought birthday and Christmas presents for her and her brothers every year but had given them to charity recently. This was after DD had met her and she had an opportunity to give them to her.

DD was quite angry about this as she knew she was lying so a few months later contacted my mother and asked her to loan her some money (that she never intended to pay back)without my knowledge. My mother gave her it and wanted to meet her later in the year but DD didn't want to. I had to strong arm DD into trying to pay it back when I found out but my mother didn't want it back.

Now if you're still with me! As DD was very emotional about my mother, I tried to extend an olive branch last month asking if we could meet as I didn't want DD to be conflicted anymore. She ignored my email until I sent another saying that obviously she wasn't interested, she had no idea of the upset she had caused and she should get help for her MH issues as I had had to. She immediately replied saying she hadn't replied as she was too busy (despite responding to the 2nd email so quickly) and because I'd been abusive in my email she wouldn't accept an olive branch ever. She ended saying it would be my DCs choice if they had a relationship with her which up until then I had supported them in doing so (DS's weren't interested in seeing her).

DD was of the opinion then that she didn't want any more contact as the ship had sailed so to speak.

Now this email out of the blue which I believe is my mother trying to lead DD into further contact as a fuck you to me. There have been no Christmas cards or presents for 5 years.

I had hoped DD wouldn't respond or would tell her to shove her money but no, she sent a loving email back with her bank details and lots of thank yous.

I'm pretty disgusted actually. Feel like DD has betrayed me and I can't stand to look at her. . She is very self absorbed and doesn't see why I would be affected by her sending loving messages to my abusive mother who nearly drove me to suicide! She is taking money from someone who utterly destroyed me over and over again, knowing this.

It has made me feel like I did as a kid when my family went on holiday to Disneyworld over Christmas without me, and without leaving me even a present to open. As if I am totally unimportant and don't matter. My family made me feel that way for years. I can't take that off my own daughter too!

Your mother treated you terribly, not your daughter. Your daughter hasn't betrayed you. Her relationship with your mother is separate to her relationship with you.

Being ashamed seems a bit strong. I would most certainly be disappointed in her about the whole money situation though

Well it sounds as though your DD is just using your mother for money. Is she like that with everyone or just in this situation?

I don’t want to read and run and I’m sorry you had such a bad time because of your mother.

It reads to me like your DD feels in some twisted way that actually she is being loyal to you. She seems to have indicated with “all she’s good for” that she has not been taken in by your mother and basically sees no harm in letting the old bag send her money that might benefit your family overall?

Op I would feel the same. I think in your shoes I would tell your dd you don't want to hear anything about your mum.

I thought I brought her up with a bit of integrity though. She is not someone who uses people normally. It's more toxicity spreading from my mother.

It's not great behaviour, but much of your upset must stem from what you've been through with your mum. Beware of taking it out on your DD. It's not her fight, it's not her fault.

Most adult DC aren't put in this position and we don't get to see if they "fail the test". They don't have big financial carrots dangled at them, that they're meant to resist at pain of upsetting their mum. Whatever your mum is offering would probably have been a fortune to me for most of my 20s. I'm not saying she's behaved brilliantly, but I do think in your upset and pain you might be misdirecting your anger a bit.

How old is your daughter?

If you make your mum a forbidden thing she might well be more drawn to her, I get why you are hurt but if she has done nothing to DD then DD might not see it as betraying you, more getting something off a relative she feels owes her something.

Gosh, it’s a tough one.
On one hand I want to say to you that your relationship with your mother is entirely separate from her relationship with your DD. If your DD wants to have a relationship with her grandmother then I would tell her that’s her business but she is not to discuss it with you , nor discuss you with your mother.
Or, on the other hand I would want to tell my DD exactly why I would rather she didn’t do this - to protect her, to stop your mother having any interaction with any of your family and so I could move on somewhat from the spectre of my mother.

I think your adult DD is behaving extremely childishly and with rather a lot of cruelty to you. She is bringing your mother into your present and your mind. Are you close to your DD. Tell her straight what she is doing is WRONG on every level. Ask her if your mental health is worth the dirty money that she has received. Ask her if she is really that selfish that she will sell you down the river for a few quid.
Some things are unforgivable- what your family has done to you is. What your DD has done is stupid and selfish .
Lay it on the line to her.
And tell her that if she chooses to be involved with your mother then that’s her choice - but when it all blows up in her face she should not come running to you as you cannot risk having that woman in your life at all and you have given your DD fair warning.
And I would finish by asking her where her loyalty lies and that you are ashamed of her selling herself so cheaply to someone who has caused you, her mother, untold damage.
A prostitute sells her body for money.
Your DD has - in my opinion- sold her integrity.

Sorry if I sound harsh.
I just really feel for you and I know how betrayed I would feel in your shoes.

It's more toxicity spreading from my mother.

Sorry, but I think in this instance it's coming from your daughter.

OP, how old is your daughter? That is relevant to the situation.
Sorry you have this problem at this time of year but it will pass.
Relax .

DD is 22. Still living at home. She is immature, she's never had to fend for herself. I've always been there picking up the pieces because I never wanted my DC to feel alone or that I don't care. Rod for own back and all that!

This is the only thing that she could do ever do that is too much to take and she's done a lot!

She knows what my mother did. I was dismayed when she said she wanted to contact my mother 4 years ago but said she had to make her own choices. She was devastated when my mother snubbed her before I got involved. She knew her as the act she put on of a loving GM who she only saw a few times a year (the barbs to me about how terribly brought up my DC were out of her earshot). She worried about her dying as her best friend's GM did shortly after NC started. It really affected her MH while she was doing her GCSE's and at college.

I was prepared to put my DC first and put my pain aside but it's insane to try to do that now. If all she wants her for is money, why should I put my myself through that.

The irony is my siblings sided with my mother and are all NC with me. They hate me but here's my own daughter doing this!

Christmas is always a trigger time for me as it's just us, no other family after mine ditched us and DH's don't even send a card or contact us as they don't celebrate it even though they know we do. I go all out to make it fantastic for the DC so they don't feel they're missing out on having lots of people about. Have to fake it for the other DC but it's bloody hard.

To me It's obvious your daughter has been hurt by her grandmother and is using the money to hurt her back. It's a big defence thing and is her (unhealthy) coping mechanism. By her bragging to you she feels as if she's fighting your corner as it where, however misguided this .

She tried to reconnect with her grandmother, she saw her friend I hurt by their dying, so naturally wanted to reconnect (a normal response for NC relationships), was rejected, now realised what she's like and is trying to be on your side and thinks this is revenge. She's hurting needs some guidance.

As a person also NC with parents, I'm Sorry you're both in this situation. I have been in both yours, and your daughters position. Don't let your mum come between you

Woah typos. I'm not sure what's going on with the app today. Hope you got my drift

Your abusive mother is getting the response she deserves and is rewarding with financial gain.

Its classic abusive behaviour trying to tie people to you through gifting and association with meeting up/love.

Your DD, although old enough, is still youngs and vulnerable to such manipulative tactics
This is what a lot of abusive fathers get, and get enraged after the carrot of financial and materialistic rewards for years they are literally treated as a money and treat vendor, then get all enraged about it.

She has been taught this and hundreds of pounds is sheer abusive tactic to draw your DD, your m is behind this.

I think your M deserves the lack of response she gets; she's nothing but a manipulative abuser in doing this

I was going to say something similar to peppers, she's spot on I think

im really sorry your going through this.i have advice in my head but I don't think it could be worded right(wow that makes sense)and now you see why I cant post it!
but I wanted to say something.that you've been heard on here and we are all holding your hurt with you.im sure some posters will come along to help you soon.
do you have others at home or around you can get some comfort ffrom irl.let them give you some support on this too.
I get it though.my gran hurt my mum so much.and keeps trying to.and as much a s muc has much as I want to love my gran.ive seen it ripple over into my life when ive let it.but my mum had her life of this and its cripppled some pieces in her.so im so angry at my gran it splinters everything between us now too.how she could make my mum question herself like she does.how she feel so small sometimes.i cant stand it!
I will never forgive anyone that could hurt my mum like that.
remember you are free of her now.she doesn't own or control you.she hurt you.how you react to that hurt now is how you can be free and soar higher and higher from this.keep wel..take lots of care.

This is one of those threads where I wish I could hear the other side of the story. Why would your siblings go NC with you and support your mother if she was as bad as you say? Absolutely not saying you are not right but just wondering what they would say about the situation.

I do think that you need to stand back as far as possible and let your DD make her own decisions. She is an adult now. I get that it's hurtful, but it may be good for your DD to have a relationship not only with her GM but also the extended family of uncles, aunts, cousins etc.

It is Christmas and I am an optimist, so would just encourage you to try to see the positives. Please don't try to infect your DD with your hatred or you risk losing her.

I understand and agree with your ethics, OP, but your dd is finding her way in the world.

Some people think that money is the thing that is important about them. It sounds like your mother is one of them. My ex was like that and he is the only person in the world that I have ever thought, after we split up, in terms of using him monetarily. I think that was because that was the value he put on himself. I don't know if I'm explaining myself well.

Let your DD stand or fall on her own morality. She was hurt by you DM's gameplay and now realises that that rather than love and support her DGM is only good for the occasional monetary backhander. Don't let your own issues bleed to your DD she can decide herself how she wants to control her relationships.

I am nc with my parents, and although my mother was abusive I was never very impressed by people who were mean to her, and I still don't like those people now. I think peppers and Kateandme made good points.

I second pp who says don't let your mother come between you and your daughter. I would concentrate on your own relationship with your daughter, do some stuff together to bond but let her make her own mistakes in respect of her grandmother. Maybe suggest complete nc to your daughter and say it's the only way to handle someone like that, but leave it at that once you've said it.

Ignore posters like Vivaldi who know absolutely nothing about toxic families. I think you need to step right back from this situation OP and let your DD make her own decisions.

I think if I was 22 and skint, I'd take money from pretty much anywhere and not feel too bad about the wider implications. At least she's going to use some of it to buy presents for people.

I realise this has hurt you, but I’m not sure if your daughter is aware how much. If she really is that hard up for money that she can’t afford presents for her brothers then I do feel some sympathy for her position. Her ‘all she’s good for’ comment shows that she’s under no illusions about your mother’s character.

Why can’t she afford presents for your sons? Is she unemployed but not entitled to benefits? Or has she just spent all her money? This would effect my opinion of the situation if I were you.

You seem really critical of your DD (esp. in your follow up post) but you have brought her up and enabled her to be this way. I think YABU. I don't think her comments very nice but I'd sit her down calmly and explain why you don't think it's right she speaks that way.