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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ok to contact your ex at Christmas (or ever)?

17 replies

JJB123 · 23/12/2018 22:20

Been together with DP for 9 months.

We have had conversations about exes - who, when etc.

I am still in contact with my ExH because we have kids together (I have to see him twice a week, and we text about child related stuff)

He isn’t in contact with his exW. No kids. He isn’t in regular contact with another long term ex (let’s call her Amy), but they are in contact very occasionally. And he is occasionally in contact with the most recent ex before me (let’s call her Jo)

So he told me the other day that he sent a text to both Amy and Jo a couple of days ago to wish them a happy Christmas. I asked if either of them had replied, and he said no. Conversation kind of over.

I was sitting next to him on the sofa tonight and glanced over as he was on text, and one of the most recent texts was front Jo. I didn’t see what it said.

Is it weird that they are in contact? I don’t know what they would have to talk about? He and Amy were together for about 7 years. With Jo for about 6 months.

AIBU to not feel very happy about it? I feel like I’m in the wrong because I glanced over at his phone, so I don’t even know how to broach the subject with him.

OP posts:

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 23/12/2018 22:24

Why do you need to broach the subject?

He sent a merry Xmas text and she likely sent one back.

Popc0rn · 23/12/2018 22:27

I think it's odd. My ex text me last Christmas to say Merry Christmas, I ignored it cos I don't really have any interest in speaking to him, and think it would upset my current boyfriend.

Original poster

JJB123 · 23/12/2018 22:27

I guess because other than the father of my children, I’m not in contact with any of my exes. They are exes for a reason!

OP posts:

Insomnibrat · 23/12/2018 22:27

I think the bigger question here is why you're so bothered. I work on untangling that first.

Petalflowers · 23/12/2018 22:28

Did he send text to lots of people wishing them ‘happy. christmas’? If so, i don’t Really see a problem.

Original poster

JJB123 · 23/12/2018 22:29

Did he send text to lots of people wishing them ‘happy. christmas’? If so, i don’t Really see a problem

I don’t know. It’s not even Christmas yet! He only mentioned that he sent it to those two. Not sure if he sent it to others

OP posts:

Original poster

JJB123 · 23/12/2018 22:30

I think the bigger question here is why you're so bothered. I work on untangling that first

Fair point. I don’t know.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 23/12/2018 22:30

Simon Cowell is friends with all hisex’s . No idea how that helps really

Original poster

JJB123 · 23/12/2018 22:31

Simon Cowell is friends with all hisex’s . No idea how that helps really

😂 made me laugh, even if not desperately helpful!

OP posts:

Readysteadygoat · 23/12/2018 22:33

I think that a man being on good terms with his exes is a sign of a good man. If they're in contact as little as you say I don't think it sounds like you have anything to worry about

swimmerforlife · 23/12/2018 22:33

It depends if their relationship ended on good terms or not. I am still in vague contact (the odd fb message once a year, asking about his family etc) with an ex of mine. Because we split up on very good terms (we just had different ideas of where our life was headed but still had a good friendship) and we were young. However my DH knows were are in contact and I have never hidden it from him. It might help that we live on opposite sides of the world though.

And given Jo was his most recent ex could be why he has made contact and not the other.

He would not have told you he was texting her if there was anything to hide imo and unless there have been any other red flags I would leave along atm. And tbh you have been together less than a year so I think it is a bit early in the relationship to dictate who and who not he can

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 23/12/2018 22:34

I send my ex an occasional message, on his birthday and Christmas. We split up nearly 20 years ago. I tell DH about it because I don't want to keep it a secret, it feels like if I had to hide it, there would be more to it than a brief thought crossing my mind about that person and then sending a quick message.

DH is in contact with his ex wife, in fact we went round there this evening to drop off her card and some presents for his grandson. They were acrimonious for a long time but have slowly mended bridges over the 19 years I have been with him, because although what she did to him was awful, life is too short to bear a grudge. And she has always been nice enough to me.

missymayhemsmum · 23/12/2018 22:35

At Christmas people send cards/ texts to old friends/ distant cousins, former colleagues all sort of people who were once important to us but whose lives have moved on. Why would it be wierd to send the same kind of best wishes to an ex-partner? I think people only really want to cut an ex out of their lives if the relationship was really toxic and ended badly. If it was just one of those good things that ran its course why not keep in contact?

swimmerforlife · 23/12/2018 22:35

Sorry really bad typos

*who and who not he can text
*alone not along

Purpleartichoke · 23/12/2018 22:39

I am in occasional contact with my XH, despite having no children together. I always tell my DH about every contact and he has never expressed any discomfort with it. He knows I have absolutely no desire to ever reconcile with XH. Even though we will never be close again, we did know one another for 12 years. We have shared friends. I run into his family who live locally and we have nice chats. So occasionally I see something I know he would find funny and send him an email or we participate in a group text exchange about something from our college days.

BudgieBalls · 23/12/2018 22:40

Is it in his message list? Like could it just be in recents from the one he sent to her?

ladycarlotta · 23/12/2018 22:40

Some of my exes I would text at Christmas, others definitely not. Same goes for my partner. I think we each have a respective ex that if we heard from them, we'd mention it to one another as something weird and a bit perplexing.

If he feels comfortable texting them like any other old friend/acquaintance I don't see the problem. It's nice people can continue to value one another having moved past a relationship.

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