To cease contact with my sons dad?

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So. My ex and I split when I was pregnant and my son has just turned 13. I can’t stand my ex, he’s not a nice person and has done lots of horrible things to both me and his family. However, I don’t have many complaints about how he is as a dad and I believe that kids should spend time with their dads (obvs as long as there are no safeguarding issues). I’ve tried so hard to be friendly with him for my sons sake, tried to include him in things such as our sons birthday outings and have always kept him in the loop about school stuff and anything else important. Unfortunately he is a complete nob! He’s rude and ignorant, ignoring 99% of my text messages even when they contain a direct question and this drives me barmy, he will just read them and not reply.

He has moved house a couple of times over the last 13 years, each time moving closer to us and he has now bought a house literally round the corner from me. He has befriended my Mum in recent years and goes round to do his washing because his washer broke and he’s too tight to buy one and he has showers there because his boiler is knackered and he’s too tight to buy a new one (I am 99.9% sure he has savings and can easily afford both). He never offers any money towards her electricity or anything and she says she lets him do these things because of my son. I have just pretty much screamed at my Mum today because I said that after Xmas I think it’s time that this stops, that I don’t think it’s normal and that he’s taking advantage and she basically said that I can’t tell her who to have in her house. She’s right, I can’t. But for my own sanity and anxiety levels I need to limit contact with him now. I can’t stand the thought of having to go another 5 years or so of him being ignorant and self centred whilst I’m running around like a dickhead trying to keep him involved. My son is old enough to sort out contact with his dad himself now, he has a mobile and they basically have a set routine anyway.

I would appreciate people’s opinions on how to handle this, especially people who don’t know me or my ex because I feel like I’m being unreasonable to just cease contact although I get the feeling that most women wouldn’t have put up with as much crap as I have over the years. It’s just smallish things really but they build up until I feel it’s all getting on top of me. A couple of examples of what’s been going on recently; He bought my son a PC for Xmas so my Mum volunteered me to put some games on it and generally make sure it’s all up and running for him on Xmas day. Why my ex couldn’t do it I honestly don’t know but I was ok with it as it’s for my son and not him. After I’d done it I texted my ex to tell him it was all ready and he could pick it up. The reply I got was ‘ok’. Not thanks or anything, just ‘ok’. Annoying yes but not the end of the world I know. Next thing I find out that he didn’t attend the scouts panto with my son that I gave up my ticket for. He dropped him off and picked him up but said he didn’t feel well so left the seat empty, didn’t even go in to tell the scout leader he wasn’t attending. I was fuming about this because I’d have loved to go and would have reimbursed him for the ticket happily. I texted him saying this (not that I was fuming) and, as usual, got no reply. He has our son one night at weekend, last week he said he had to go somewhere so dropped my son off at my mums in the morning at 10am, it so happened that I had a break from work at 10.30 and passed his house on the way home and his car was there. Passed again at dinnertime, car still there. He doesn’t walk anywhere and it’s highly doubtful he would have got public transport anywhere. Latest thing, I texted him yesterday asking him a direct question and, surprise surprise, he ignored me again. When I picked my son up from my mums this afternoon he told me that his dad had told him the answer to the question. IF I ASK A DIRECT QUESTION TO A PERSON I EXPECT A DIRECT ANSWER! Is that really too much to ask??

I’m going to stop there. This thread has gone on way too long already, these are just a few tiny examples of what irritates the shit out of me, there is a lot more, some of it is quite bad. I honestly feel like I am prolonging my own misery by trying to do what I think is right and I really want to put a stop to it. My son couldn’t care less if his dad comes to his birthday meals so who am I really doing it for? What kind of things do I really need to have any contact with my ex for, if anything?

If your DS has a mobile, and contacts his Dad, I'd not bother again unless DS was seriously ill.

I'd also be telling your Mum that it feels like she has chosen ex-H over her own daughter, and as you want him OUT of your life and not knowing anything about you, you will have to go no contact with your Mum whilst she is babying your ex.

Simple, stop doing anything, stop the enabling and helping, be reactive not proactive.

Thank you. This is exactly the kind of response I need. Yes I do need to stop enabling and I agree that I'll probably have to at least limit contact with my mum whilst they're still 'friends'. She tells me everything that he says to her and I just don't want to have to speak or hear about him any more, I've had enough.

Your mum has no obligation to him even if he is the sperm donor to your son. She's obviously kind because she's letting him round. But under the circumstances and his rudeness and not compliance, she shouldn't be engaging with him. It's not right.

Stop all contact with this arrogant arsehole. Let your ds make his own arrangements. You are not helping yourself when you try to make contact and end up no further forward and stressed on top.

You need to pull right back on your contact because the only person it's having a negative impact on is you. Things like the scout ticket- don't even bother in future. He's clearly not interested or wanting to limit contact himself.

With your mum she is totally out of order and should respect your wishes. The length she is going to for him is quite odd. I've had similar situations take place in my family and there are relationships that I now hold very much at arms length because of the hurt it's caused me. What your mum is doing reminds me of this.

Disengage. You’ve been bending over backwards, trying to facilitate his father-son relationship, because this is what “good mothers” are supposed do - regardless of the emotional and mental toll on us.

This is just faulty messaging from society and you are allowed to reject it

With regards to my mum, I don't know what the deal is tbh because she has complained many times that he's taking advantage and she was only slagging him off to my sister the other day. When me and ex were together we lived with my mum for quite a while and he treated her with nothing but disrespect, which I reminded her of today but she's adamant that she can't remember that and he's done nothing to her! I'm hoping she will calm down, think about it properly and tell him to find another shower/washer elsewhere. Something will have to give after Xmas one way or another because I'll be putting myself first in future.

I spent 2 hours of my life taking my son shopping for something to get for his dad and dad's gf for Xmas, not at my son's request but because in my head it's the 'right thing to do'. I need to get a grip, like really.