DP wont get intimate - AIBU?

[Floopyandtired]

I have been with DP for 5 years and we have DS1 who is our world. Since DS was conceived nearly 2 years ago we’ve only had sex a handful of times, the last time being in August. My DP is just not remotely interested. I’ve brought it up a few times and he says all the right things (he does still fancy me, does want to, it’s nothing I’ve done etc.) but still nothing changes. If I initiate sex I get rejected every time because he’s too tired, not in the mood, and so on. I don’t just crave sex but also intimacy - there’s no hand holding, cuddling, kissing, anything. I’ve suggested therapy but he says we don’t need it.

I don’t think he is getting it elsewhere, as I just can’t see when he’d have the time or opportunity.

I recently said that we needed time apart to work out whether we can truly see this relationship working. We’re basically just roommates anyway and since we’ve broken up absolutely nothing about our relationship has changed. The other night I went out for drinks with work friends and one bloke tried to kiss me which I laughed off. One of DP’s friends saw and told him, and he lost it with me saying I have no right to kiss other people just because we’re not together right now. I disagreed and said although I didn’t kiss him because I didn’t want to, I am well within my rights because we are not currently together and frankly he’s not shown any interest in me for months.

I don’t know what to do about my relationship. I love him and he’s a great dad but I can’t live a life with no intimacy. I’ll be honest the attention from this other guy was flattering and it made me feel good. I just desperately want to raise my son as a family with both parents in the same home. What do I do? Is it better to stay for DS at all costs?

Is there the possibility that there is a medical problem?

My ex was like that early on. I believed him, very naively as it turned out.

I'm now over forty, skint, fat and too effed up to ever be loved by an intimate partner.

Breaks my heart. Be careful you don't fall into the same trap. Don't accept his word. Actions/goals/ honest discussion will help you, one way or another.

I really don’t think there’s a medical issue, I think he would tell me. At least I hope he would.

@apintofharpandapacketofdates I’m sorry you had such a shit time. Thank you for sharing x

after 10 years of marriage sex became less and less. Nothing I did helped. I made the decision to try and stay for the kids. I settled for a man who didn't touch me but who was a decent man. We split just over a month ago, I decided after 16 years of marriage things weren't going to change I couldn't live without intimacy any more.

OP no problem. I still think I'm not entitled to the memory, or to feel this way.

I think it's indicative of the trauma and upset he put me through.

Like bonkerz, I think intimacy is too important to be unilaterally withdrawn and for the withdrawing party to offer no discussion

Good luck OP...

Are you sure he isn’t secretly gay or having an affair OP? I personallly don’t understand a straight man not wanting sex at all. Seems so very odd.

I don’t think so but who even knows any more. I’d more expect him to be having an affair than be gay. I agree, he’s only 29, it’s all so odd.

What do you mean you don't know what to do about your relationship? You said you've broken up already but still live together for now. It sounds like he doesn't know you have broken up. One of you has to move out to make it real.

Is he on the asexual spectrum?

Well. I’ve been in a similar situation with my DH. It’s tricky because I love him, I know he’s not cheating. He has terrible anxiety and it’s got worse for some reason overbthe last 3/4 years.

However, when I told him I couldn’t live like this forever, he went for some counselling. It’s not ‘fixed’ completely but he’s trying and as long as he’s trying I’m willing to as well. He’s also extremely affectionate and loving, we are intimate in lots of ways - it’s just sex we have issues with.

For me the lack of acknowledgement and disregard for your feelings would be a complete dealbreaker.

Is he on the asexual spectrum?

If he is, he's had the opportunity to mention that to the OP during their discussions and withholding that important information can only damage their relationship.

It would be a particularly unmanageable set of circumstances if he's asexual, refuses to acknowledge it, and reserves the right to be jealous and angry if he learns that other men are attracted to OP.

OP, as PP say, he doesn't have the right to make this unilateral decision that affects both of you so much. Even if he's lost sexual desire, he should be willing to explore a medical underpinning if it's inexplicable and contrary to his instincts. If not, then he needs to brace himself for some very difficult conversations rather than refuse to address the matter.