To have a word with DSIS?

[jamoncrumpets]

DSis, 41, is getting married late next year.

She's the flighty one, the one who flew the coop first and went all over the world. She's impulsive and stubborn and, to be honest, not the most intellectual person in the world. But I love her fiercely and want the best for her. And I know that she desperately wants to have children. I know how painful it's been for her these last few years seeing me have children.

But she doesn't want to have any children until after her wedding, when she'll be 42.5, because she spent £5k on a dress and wants to be able to wear it. She says it's fine, she knows she'll be able to get pregnant because she has regular periods, and that 'Janet Jackson had a baby in her fifties' (I didn't have the heart to explain about celebrities and donor eggs). She has told she's going to have two, but have them really close together, because 'I don't think it'll be so easy once I'm 45'

I think in part she is ignorant to science of fertility, but also there's an element of her sticking her fingers in her ears and going 'la la la, not listening'. I think that when you're in your forties every cycle counts. I had my first in my mid thirties and got pregnant quickly, but my second in my late thirties came after two miscarriages and over a eighteen months of trying.

WIBU to have a gentle word? I'm just so worried about the potential heartbreak further down the line...

I think she probably does know but is in denial...

Not sure it's worth the fallout???

Yes you would be very very U. And you would probably get your arse handed to you on a plate.

What word will you be having exactly?

My Mum had her forth aged 45 after a month of trying. I guess my point is is that none of you know until she tries.

My mum had me at 39, my sister at 43 and my brother at 46. Plenty of my relations and friends had babies well into their 40's all naturally. Its really none of your business and I'm sure she's aware.

She already knows. You don’t need to tell her again.

I waited TTC until the 'right time'.

Then I realised the right time never arrives so started trying in mid 30s. That was 18 months ago. I'm now in the process of fertility tests etc.

She might be lucky and fall pregnant straight away, but most likely (even for couples with no issues) it'll take at least 12 months.

So I understand and I wish someone had advised me to start trying earlier - if you know you want a family then you don't want time to be against you.

But it's her decision - I don't know if I'd say anything. Tough one!

You are not responsible for your sister’s heart in this instance. You’ve obviously had some sort of discussion, or she’s talked about, the possibility of children. Leave it there.

Dont say anything. She very likely knows the odds but she's got hope. Fingers crossed for her.
I don't see the point of upsetting her now when she might need your hugs and support if it does get tough for her to conceive.

I had ds at 43 effortlessly. Not so at 45, she may be lucky to have 1..
Not your place to comment imo.

I wouldn’t. I really wouldn’t. She obviously doesn’t want to try until after the wedding and that’s her choice.
You don’t know whether she will or won’t have issues with conceiving. Nobody can predict. Your experience isn’t hers. And it isn’t the same for everyone.

There’s always anecdata from posters who know people who had children in their 40s. But it is harder - you’d be a fool to believe that because some people manage it, it’ll be fine for anyone. Nevertheless, it’s not like it’s a secret that it’s harder, she must be aware. So I’d leave it.

I think it is fairly well known that for a lot of women their fertility falls off the edge of a cliff after 35 (though yes there are women who get pregnant into their 40s they are the exception rather than the rule)

If she were that concerned she could have looked into freezing eggs just in case. She won’t thank you for telling her, I would leave her to it.

@FrogFairy for a lot of women their fertility falls off the edge of a cliff after 35

Or like my MIL told me - "your ovaries aren't getting any younger."

Also, if she is going to have issues - and let's hope she's not - the few months between now and the wedding isn't going to make much difference.

I'd leave her be.

@AllKinds your MIL sounds like a charmer

Frog - quite! Oh how I could fill the forum...

She’s told you she’s going to wait, and doesn’t want to try until next year.
Yabvu to think she wants to hear you harp on about what she already knows and has decided!

I haven't said anything to her up to this point, for the very valid reasons you're all pointing out here. And I agree, I should and will stay out of this.

It's worrying me a lot though. I don't think she has any genuine idea of the stakes involved or the intensity of the conception process. I'm not exaggerating her ignorance btw, I just know her very well.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I want her to get what she wants, and I don't think she'll get it if she does it her way. But you're right, she has to find this out for herself.