To be heartbroken at Christmas?

[Vicsleighbob]

Long back story but I'll try to be brief.

DS16 has been really depressed for the last 9 months or so. I believe part of this has been caused by his DF (my exH) walking out on us to be with another woman when DS was 11yrs. At the time he was very upset and angry and refused to have any contact with his DF for almost two years. DS is the eldest of my 3 DC and his brothers were seeing their DF EOW.

Fast forward a few years and DS now has a good relationship with his DF (exH and I do not have a good relationship for obvious reasons) because I encouraged him to contact his DF and rebuild their relationship.

I am now remarried and DS has a great relationship with my DH.

DS's depression has come to a head recently. I have been supportive and have taken him to the GP, contacted school for support and have been paying for weekly counselling. DS feels this is helping.

I have had no input from the counsellor as obviously these sessions are confidential. I haven't pried and have just carried on telling my DS how much I love him and being there for him. I probably do far too much for DS and do everything for him and give him everything I can.

Two week ago I was asking DS why he felt so down all the time. I'll admit, I did push the issue as I was feeling so upset and helpless. DS eventually told me that he felt depressed because of me! He said that I make him feel unwanted and control his life. This was a massive shock to me as it couldn't be further from the truth. My son has been included on every holiday, day out, meal or activity that me and DH have ever done. Mostly whilst his DB's were at the DF's.

I told DS that maybe he should have a couple of days at his DF's to have a break from 'me' if that's how he was feeling.

DS has now been there for over two weeks. I've contacted him and text him saying I love and miss him and asking when he's coming home numerous times, but have been ignored.

I finally got a text yesterday from DS saying he is staying at his DF's for Christmas and maybe permanently in the new year. He's not been home even once since he left.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I love my DS so much and honestly can't understand where this has come from. I know exH will be making things worse for me and promising DS the world if he stays there, but I can't believe how selfish DS is being and how he can't hurt me like this when I've genuinely done nothing. I literally spend all my free time running around after DS and his friends and giving him everything.

My 2 other DC will be asking questions and I don't know what to tell them. It's breaking my heart. It's Christmas in 2 days and all I can do is cry. My DH has messaged DS to find out what is going on but DS has ignored him.

I don't know what to do and I feel helpless. I'm not even sure why I'm posting tbh but I would welcome any advice.

Thank you for reading if you've made it this far. Sorry it's so long.

Do you think he chose you over his DF and feels let down that you haven't chosen him over everything else in your life?

Not saying there's any logic to that or that it's even a conscious thing.

It sounds like your DS is working through a few things, and for him maybe staying at his Dad's is helping.

It must hurt and be incredibly hard - but it may be that you need to give him the space he's wanting and I'm absolutely sure he'll come back or at least be back in touch soon, as he'll miss you.

In your quest to be there for him and support him, you may have smothered him a bit. Alternatively he could just be transferring feelings he didn't really understand to you, because you're closest to him and sometimes we lash out at the people who love us the most because it's safe, he's almost testing you to see if you'll reject him the way he feels his DF did. Maybe in the new year family counselling would help to try and rebuild the relationship

it's really hard but you have to let him make his own choices - I speak as someone who's 16 year old DD often goes to her dads for a break - the last one was 4 months long - she's now here with me and refusing to go to her dads having fallen out with his partner

She KNOWS she can always come back here and she has a place there - she is old enough to make her own decisions - sadly so is he - just keep communication open

I can't believe how selfish DS is being

He's a teenager, behaving like a teenager.

Tell your other children the truth in as unemotional a way as possible. On Christmas Day phone your DS and keep the conversation as normal as you possibly can. Difficult seeing as it's not a normal situation but I think you want to make things as pressure free as possible. If he doesn't want to speak then send a short text wishing him a good day. Give him space. It sounds as if the counselling is making him re-examine his relationships and that will include his relationship with you. So let him know you'll always be there for him, and then take a step back.

What a rotten situation for you OP...I think the very best you can do now is hide totally how you feel and make the best of christmas with whomever is around you,Your son is safe,and protected and the space might make all the difference to you all.Maybe it needed coming to ahead like this in order for you all to move forward,Give it time,,teenagers are fickle things and often take a while to process themselves and their feelings,I think really its the only thing you can do,,

I think he is just escalating from your comment -

I told DS that maybe he should have a couple of days at his DF's to have a break from 'me' if that's how he was feeling.

What was he supposed to say to that?

I think tell him honestly how you feel, that you are really missing him, I think that is what he needs to hear now.

Thank you all for replying. I've text him several times just to say I love and miss him.

Since his last text I've just sent him a message saying his presents will be here for him and that I love him.

I feel like I've lost my DS and I don't even know why. Christmas is going to be hard this year.

Make sure he knows that you are ready to listen to how he feels - and then give him time. You're using some quite strong words - selfish to describe him and heartbroken for you; it may be hard for him to open up while emotions are running high.

I think this is quite common when going through counselling. My son did the same thing. Apparently the problem was me. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open. I never mentioned it again. He seems to have worked things through and come back . I have a feeling boys suffer more from this sort of angst. Sometimes we never know where it came from. Be sure not to ask any more, just keep the door open

I can understand why you feel utterly bereft but, if you can, try to take a step back and imagine what you would say to a friend in the same position. Treat yourself kindly - you have done your best. Remember that your DS is his own person and will have his own internal take on the things that have happened in his life. With all the best intentions in the world, maybe you have smothered him a bit, through fear of him feeling rejected by his dad earlier on, and as a result, he feels controlled. It's hard to know but he is being clear with you that he needs some time and space away. I think the more you text him to say he his welcome home and his presents are waiting, the more angry he will feel, as he's likely to feel these things as a further attempt to control him. You've made it clear he is wanted and that you love him. Let him go for a bit now - he's with his father and will be ok. You can't control how he feels or what he chooses to do. I really sympathise and would also be beside myself in this situation but I honestly think, from an outside perspective, that just giving him the mental and emotional space he has asked for is vital for your future relationship. I know you don't have a good relationship with his father but can you ask him for a conversation just the two of you so you can work together as parents to support your son? You may get nowhere but it's worth trying. Best of luck OP.

Thank you.

Obviously I've not told my son I'm heartbroken or called him selfish.

I'm sad that he's spending Christmas with his DF and the OW too.

I'll back off and hope he comes back, but I honestly can't see it with his DF trying to be parent of the year and more than likely calling me god knows what.

Not whether it’s deliberate but you do seem to ignore the point that you almost suggested to your DS that he might want to leave...

It seem likely from what’ve you’ve said that yo do need to adapt your parenting style as your DS grow so older - recognizing he needs more freedom and opportunities to make decisions.

Suspect you won’t didn’t fix Christmas now burn suggest you might try meeting on neutral ground e.g out for a coffee or lunch to talk about how you’re both feeling, but also how your relationship might look in the future.