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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not consider christening our child just because its "nice".

29 replies

theressomethingaboutmarie · 26/06/2007 16:09

Elderly FIL is getting quite excited about our impending arrival. My DH is his only son and our baby will be the first baby in the family for over 20 years so I can understand his excitement. DH told me that FIL has dug out christening gowns from the loft in preparation. In preparation for what? Apparently, FIL is quite convinced that we will christen our child?!

We got married in a (beautiful and moving) civil ceremony and are both agnostic so have never displayed any Christian faith previously. When I discussed it with DH, he seemed to be seeing his dad's point on christenings being a lovely family celebration. FIL said that unless our child was christened, s/he would not have a name in the House of the Lord.

Now, FIL doesn't pray, doesn't display any Christian faith at all and doesn't go to church. Surely getting a child christened if you genuinely don't believe, as DH and I don't, is hypocritical and just an excuse for a family gathering?

OP posts:
ejt1764 · 26/06/2007 16:10

yanbu .... you could have a naming ceremony instead - that would give the excuse for a family gathering if you want one!

LordVenger · 26/06/2007 16:11

Hey man, I was forced to have a Greek Orthodox christening for my DD1, which I wept through from a combination of aestheism and impotent rage. Six years later, though, when we needed to get our kid into the local Catholic school, we were quids in. It's swings and roundabouts

devonsmummy · 26/06/2007 16:12

i'm with you on this one. I refused to marry in church as not religious at all DH bit miffed by this. DS not going to be christened but have thought of having naming ceremony - do you this that would pacify FIL??

purpleturtle · 26/06/2007 16:12

I agree that it sounds like an excuse for a family gathering - but who needs an excuse? If you don't want to christen your baby, then why not just have a family party anyway?

franke · 26/06/2007 16:14

tsam - I think you know the answer to your own question. Go with the naming ceremony thing or just have a big party if everyone wants a family gathering. (I'd check out the local schools and their entrance criteria before you make a final decision though )

curiouscat · 26/06/2007 16:15

We gave our 3 a name day instead, so no religion but still a lovely day to celebrate all round.

2tiredmum · 26/06/2007 16:16

Hi. You're not being at all unreasonable - why go through the hypocracy of a religous ceremony if you don't believe in it. Anyway, these days you don't need to to have a christening to have a lovely welcoming. I had my second baby two weeks ago. We had a wonderful baby naming naming for our first at Tunbridge Wells registry office and only this morning I have booked the same thing for our second - for a few months time. Equally special and moving, not religious at all and very nice. By the way, its a myth about babies not going to heaven unless Christened - the church has never decreed that or at least not for about 500 years or more - so your family's fears in that respect are based on a rather old fashioned misnomer that went out at about the same time as burning witches. Good luck and stand your ground.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 26/06/2007 16:21

Keep in mind that as an elderly person, your FIL may not know any different, perhaps he has not even realised yet that some parents decide not to baptise their children. If there are 20 years since the last baby...he may be agnostic himself butI wouldn't be surprised at all if has not even heard of naming ceremonies. (My father would be in that category...)

Regarding the christening gowns... some families treasure the fact that X christening gown has been used for several generations or by every loved new member of the family. It may be the case that he thought it a lovely tradition and never gave a second thought that you may disagree.

PrettyCandles · 26/06/2007 16:24

YANBU.

My MIL wanted us to have ds Christened because dh had been, but I categorically refused. I'm not Christian and neither are our children, it is something dh and I discussed before we ever had children and we agreed that they would be brought up Jewish, as I am, and as it means so much to me. Dh doesn't consider himself Christian - or to have or care about any religion, for that matter.

MIL's point of view was that we should do it because it would be 'fair' (to dh's side of the family) and because ds would then be 'like everyone else'. My point of view is that, as a believing member of a different faith there is no way on earth that I am inducting my child as a member of the Christian faith, and that if I didn't take a Christening seriously then I would be mocking other people's faith.

JoolsToo · 26/06/2007 16:27

none of my 3 are christened

well I tell a lie - dd got herself done before marrying and that's the way I think it should be.

AlbusPercivalWulfricBrianSun · 26/06/2007 16:30

Also had naming ceremony for our DS. It was lovely and really personal as we wrote it ourselves. It was a wonderful day and so may people came it was a proper celebration of him and our new family.

JeremyVile · 26/06/2007 16:36

Yanbu.
I'm getting this nonsense at the moment from the pils.
Ds will NOT be christened, because as far as i can make out in getting a child christened you are vowing to bring them up as a christian.
I ahve absolutelyh nothing against religion and i admire those who have a faith, but i dont go to the church and never will. I believe in god but dont identify myself with any religion.
The pils say they are christians but dont attend church, pray etc so i find their attitude very hypocritical.
I dont think theres anything wrong with being of a certain religion but not following it to the letter, i dont deny that they are christians but i would have thought that that if you have religious sensibilities then wouldnt a non christian jumping on the band wagon for the sake of a knees up be considered somewhat blasphemous?
One of the main reasons i wont be having ds christened is because i would not want to offend people who truly follow the religion.

joash · 26/06/2007 16:42

JV - definately agree. None of my 3 were christened, much to the consternation of my P-I-L (some rubbish about "oooh they'll not thrive if you don't have them christened"). My are now 26, 23, 17. IN the 25 years that DH and I have been together - I have never known any of my in-laws attend a church or religious ceremony of any sort...and some of their attitudes and opinions are very 'suspect' in terms of what they see as being 'christian'.
I beieve that if anyone wants to follow a religion, then it is their choice, one to make when they are old enough, not somehint that should be forced on them.
The naming ceremonies sound like a good idea.

kslatts · 26/06/2007 17:01

If you don't want to christian your child I agree you should have a naming ceremony or a family gathering to celebrate your baby's arrival.

Blu · 26/06/2007 17:07

of course yanbu, but it sounds as if FIL has become over-excited and sentimental - which is rather sweet and lovely.

Do the name-day party, and let your FIL make a speech. Telll him that you would like him to introduce his grandchild at the special name-party, at which you would like the baby to wear the gown previously used for Christenings...

bobsmum · 26/06/2007 17:17

I'm a Christian.

My children were not Christened as I don't believe in baby/young child baptism.

Infant Christenings are not in the Bible.

They are not anything to do with entrance requirements for heaven.

Your FIL is wrong if he's meaning from a Christian faith perspective.

Have a thanksgiving/naming day - even a blessing to keep people happy.

But a Christening is not Biblical - it is Anglo-Catholic church tradition.

Although that's important to a lot of people. I believe that tradition and history has no eternal significance whatsover.

Have a party, but don't get steamrollered into something completely hypocritical.

bohemianbint · 26/06/2007 18:20

YANBU. I sat through a Christening recently and would be really uncomfortable saying all that stuff is I didn't mean it, but I think I'm a bit superstitious, if not religious.

We're not having one, we're just going to have a nice big 1st birthday bash instead.

The thing that bothered me, is what kind of god would consign a tiny baby to purgatory just because it hadn't had some water rubbed on it's head? I also don't like the idea of a baby being cleansed of sin. Its not like it's had much in the way of time to rack up anything serious, is it?!

Idreamofdaleks · 26/06/2007 18:23

do what you want and just be happy with that, each to his own!

lemonaid · 26/06/2007 18:29

We had a humanist (BHA) naming ceremony for DS -- very personal as we wrote it ourself and a nice excuse for a party for family and friends. I think it was also a good thing to do because trying to write down what we wanted for DS and what we wanted to promise really got us thinking about it and led to some long conversations between DH and me that we might not have had otherwise.

kerala · 26/06/2007 20:41

Have you been to a christening lately? They involve making promises and pledges and getting your friends (godparents) to pledge to support to help bring the child up a christian. We couldnt face making promises we werent going to keep so had a welcome party when dd was 6 weeks old. Family only, in the garden, tea and cakes and poems were read. Worked for us - a really moving day.

jetgirl · 26/06/2007 21:55

You're not being unreasonable at all. We had our dd baptised because it was important to us, just as a church wedding was for us too. But everyone feels differently about these matters - that much is obvious from this thread. Naming days are becoming more and more popular, and can be just as dressy affairs as a Christening - if that's what you want to do. People don't question civil weddings anymore, naming ceremonies shouldn't be any different.

What made my dd's baptism so special was that my dad did the service, and dd wore the Christening gown worn by my DH and my FIL.

TBH people just like the occasion of a family get-together more often than the location etc.

RosemaryWoodhouse · 26/06/2007 22:12

But what happens when it turns out the only decent school in the area is a C of E school? Is not having them christened worth sending them to the crappy comp?

lemonaid · 26/06/2007 22:44

But what happens if the only decent school in the area is Catholic, or Jewish, or Muslim? Better start a four-pronged attack now and get the baby "done" in all of them...

Round here being christened or not makes diddly-squat difference anyway -- you won't get your child into the CofE or Catholic school unless you've been very active in the parish for a number of years.

Rachmumoftwo · 26/06/2007 22:47

You could have a naming ceremony maybe? We had our DDs baptised, but I feel that it is only something you should do if you think it is important. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into such a big thing if you don't want to do it. Or go for it and have a big party at FILs expense!

RosemaryWoodhouse · 26/06/2007 22:54

Joking aside I think there is something rather beautiful about a Christening even if you are not religious. It is a kind of acknowledgement that life is sacred, an irreplaceable existence within the universe.