At the end of my tether with teen DS. Please help!

[cricketmum84]

So I have a 14yo DS. He's been really up and down with his moods over the last couple of years, has come out as gay, developed anxiety, has panic attacks and missing a lot of school.

I arranged counselling for him earlier this year, he went for 6 months and then said he didn't feel that he needed it anymore. The counsellor was unable to tell me anything that was said in the sessions unless there was a safeguarding issue which there can't have been.

The last 3-4 weeks have been horrific. He won't speak to anyone, he is so down and depressed. He hates everyone and everything. Every time he enters a room its like a big angry black cloud has descended on everyone. He swears at me, he slams doors, he gets angry but then can't cope with how angry he feels and breaks things or pulls his hair out with rage.

Last week I sat him down and asked him what we had done for him to hate us so much. He completely lost his temper, pulled his hair, threw his phone at me and smashed it up, then punched me and broke my finger. I left him in the house for 10 minutes and in that time he ran away. He was gone for nearly 3 hours while family and friends were out frantically searching the streets for him. Once he was home the police came out to speak to him and he told them that he hates us, he hates living with us and he hates everyone and everything. He didn't care that we had been so worried about him.

The next day he refused to get out of bed. He has now gone to stay with GP until Christmas Eve. We've got an urgent CAMHS referral and I'm trying to get him back into counselling.

He won't speak to me, and when he is out on the phone to me he just answers everything yes or no. Won't engage in conversation with me at all.

I am dreading Christmas. My DM thinks he should stay with them through the holidays to calm down but then I think that's giving him what he wants? And he needs to accept the fact that he lives with us and stop being so awful to us.

I honestly just don't know what to do. He is as tall as me and I'm in no position to physically force him to do anything. He is breaking my heart, I don't think I've ever felt so lost and helpless. I just want my little boy back.

I think he is clearly struggling with something and if he thinks a week away will help him then yes I'd let him. You want to show him you are supporting him getting better, however he feels is best, not tell him how he's going to do it.

Subtle differences in language can help so instead of "why do hate us" which feels like your having a go try "what can we do to help you because we can see things are particularly hard rn"

If you can try to take the battle out of things and give him more free reign, when I was going through difficulties at that age my parents basically let me do what I want except I had to answer my phone if they rang and I had to be home by 10pm. I knew they were If I wanted to talk and they knew I was safe. Once the fight had been taken away from everything it became a much happier household all round. (Obviously those rules may not work for you but if you just pick 2 or 3 really important things and let everything else go it might help)

I'm a bit scared to give him free reign at the moment. He came home steaming drunk a few weeks ago. And that was at 5pm! Also he doesn't have a phone now he has smashed it up.

I'm torn between trying to help him (I so desperately want to help him) but also trying to get him to understand that this behaviour isn't acceptable. It's not right for me to come out of every confrontation with him black and blue!

He clearly has a lot of issues at the moment and in view of that why ask him why he hates you? It probably has nothing to do with you and "sitting him down" to ask him why he hates you firstly is a bit confrontational which would not be helpful and secondly could make him feel that you are not bothered about him per se but are just concerned about his issues effect you. The fact that your DM thinks he should stay with them suggests that it is helping him so the best thing would be to let it happen. Insisting that he comes back to your house is hardly going to make him behave better and if he actually does dislike you it will make him like you even less.

Your son sounds like he's going through some stuff ??

This may have nothing to do with it. At all but just a stab in the dark ---

Does he have any male gay friends

Do you have any older gay male friends or is their a group he could go to with other gay young men.

Is he trying to fit into a group of others lads and whilst he's recognising he is gay still trying to prove he's one of the lads hence the drink.

Is he being bullied / have you checked he is not being groomed !

Is he smoking weed

It may be none is the above but if he's behaving this way their has to be some trigger and he needs help.

I do think you need to also google therapeutic parenting and think about the way you approach him and also de-escalation techniques.

Older teenaged it's hard we expect them
To behave like young adults but still treat them like children

Just trying to make you think really x

It sounds really difficult and I feel for you as you’re obviously doing your best.

One thing I would say - and really not blaming you because I can only imagine how hard it is - is that asking things like what you have done for him to hate you so much is probably not helpful. You already know the answer - depression and anxiety - and that these things are out of his control. You’re asking him to give a rational justification for irrational feelings that are a symptom of his mental illness.

I hope the CAHMS referral helps - you’re clearly trying your best and these things take a village.

So to answer some of the questions, he has a close friend who thinks he may be gay, most of his friends are girls though. When he came home drunk he had been with a girl rather than a group of lads.

I have a male gay friend who has known us since before DS was born, he has taken him under his wing a little and he does talk to him and tells him a lot more than he tells me.

I'm 99% sure he isn't smoking weed.

He is home today so I'm gonna google therapeutic parenting this afternoon.

Do you think love bombing would help at all? Or just make him feel suffocated??

Our next door neighbours suffer this too. My DH is a SENCO and says be firm. Your language and parenting is very passive. He has become the pack leader. Put sanctions in place and firm up.

He sounds terribly unhappy and I feel for all of you. Did the police have any advice for you, especially since he has assaulted you?

I think it’s a good idea to let him stay with his GPS over the holidays.

Hopefully he’ll grow out of it. A lot of teens are over-emotional like this.

GPS = Grandparents.

You sat him down and asked what you had done to make him hate you so much??! Talk about a loaded question! I would have been incredibly upset by that question and I am not a confused teen trying to work out who I am.
Maybe it isn't about you, maybe it's about him?

Next time, sit him down and and tell him you have noticed he seems angry and unhappy and is there anything you can help him with. Or sit him down and tell him being a teenager is bloody hard , being a gay teenager even harder, and you will always be there for him.

I don't know why he' s unhappy and upset but I can guess why your passive aggressive question got such an extreme reaction.
He's allowed to be unhappy and as a teen he may lash out at the people he's supposed to be able to rely on. That doesn't mean he hates you.

young minds have a helpline for parents and lots of advice online.

Him disrespecting you and your property is not ok. But, do you think he was in a relationship - hence no longer needing councillor. He was happy, life great. He splits up with partner.... massive depression, drinking etc who knows why ....but maybe his fault....which is why he doesn't want to tell you. Or maybe just embarrassed.......I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it was just a thought.

Let him stay with his grandparents. Sounds as though he desperately needs not wants some time away

I think my question to him has been taken out of context a little - my fault for not explaining well enough.

Of course I didn't just sit him down and say "why do you hate me?" I started asking what was happening with him, why was he so unhappy etc. It was only when he started to get angry and verbally aggressive that I admit I lost control and said "what have I done to make you hate me so much". I know it wasn't my finest moment.

I really feel for you. Haven't been in this situation but have coped with serious teenage mental illness and it's so difficult because you want a solution but there is actually not that much you can do.

I would let him stay with his grandparents over the holidays if that's what he wants to do and they are OK with it. It's not giving in: it's giving you both a break and allowing you to ramp down the tension.

Just ask them to keep an eye on substance abuse, alcohol in particular. (I'd be a lot more worried about the drinking than about possible cannabis use).

I hope you get some proper help in the new year. Regarding counselling, do you think he got on with the counsellor or might a change of approach would help?

@cricketmum84, how are things? I have some similar stuff with my 14 year old, he seems to be angry and irritable the whole time. Wondering if the time away for your DS has helped at all?

@Squeegle it's been a lot better actually. He's been home since Christmas Eve barring one day he went to GP and stayed overnight. He has smiled and laughed which has been lovely to see. Still had a few moments where he has been full of attitude but no more than normal teenage stuff.

I was a bit upset when he posted on Instagram after Christmas saying he had had a shit few days. He had loads of really good presents and seemed happy but then I checked myself and remember how hard it can be to be around people and put that front on if you are feeling low or anxious.

Got our first CAMHS assessment next week so will update with how that has gone.

Thank you for asking!

That sounds encouraging, glad it’s going better. Such a roller coaster at times isn’t it.

God it can be so hard. All you want to do is wrap them up and love them better but you can't.

You go through all those years where a scrape on the knee is magically made better by hugs from mum. You are that one person who can get them through anything. And then all of a sudden you become "the enemy". It's heartbreaking and exhausting. And in amongst all that you are still constantly fighting to help them, whether that's with school, GPS, CAMHS trying to refer you back to school and not see them!

Parenting teens is a bloody minefield!

Sounds like my younger stepbrother after he came out as Gay at about 16.

Is he getting any hassle from boys his age?

My stepbrother knew and admitted he was gay but was full of self loathing for it. Even though he admitted it he coudlnt accept it. It took a longggg time for him to accept who he was and he was very confused that yes he was gay but he wished he wasn't and could be straight and have a wife and children and be a "conventional family". It took him ages to accept that he can and will be happy not having that but it was a horrible hard few years.

@ShesABelter both me and the pastoral officer at school have asked if he has had any grief and he says no. He has told me his friends are very supportive.

He doesn't really seem to be negative about being gay. He's very open about it, will say something about a certain actor when he is in the TV in front of us all and doesn't seem embarrassed about it iyswim?

@cricketmum84, yes agree it’s a minefield. I hate having become the enemy, I am actually feeling almost bereaved as the relationship between me and my DS seems really to have disappeared. Everything I do he hates now. He’s also disengaged from school and because he doesn’t want to talk to me, I can’t really influence him positively. We do talk at times, but only when he wants to. It is getting me down, I’d really like my nice DS to come back.