To want couple time

[R131]

My partner of 3yrs and I have a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. For about a year I have been saying we need a date night or just a few hours doing something together out of the house. He's always been vaguely non-committal and has now said he never wants to leave our baby with anyone else, that doing things with her, living together and going out separately is enough. He said I should stop asking and accused my of wanting to abandon our daughter. I think a relationship needs more than that, I think spending time alone together and focussing on the other person is really important or you just permanently become mum and dad, roomates with a child. I think there may be some deeper issue at heart, his father left when he was little and didn't come back into his life until he was a teenager and his mother worked full-time and left him with a series of not nice child minders. AIBU, should I leave it alone and try to be happy with things as they are or does anyone have any advice on how I might bring him round to the idea of leaving her with close friends or family?

You’re not unreasonable for wanting couple time at all, I agree with your reasons why too.

However, given what you’ve said about his childhood it may be a wee bit more complicated. I have throwback issues from my parents which I’m determined my kids won’t feel, and it’s a bloody hard thing to get past.

Could you start off with going for a coffee during the day? Maybe for half an hour, that way it doesn’t feel so huge to him and you still get a wee bit of time together? Once he’s realised it’s all ok hopefully it’ll be easier for him to agree to more.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. His experiences have obviously left him with some big trust issues. If all my childhood experiences were of being abandoned by those I love, left with ‘not nice’ adults, I’d be reluctant to leave my own child too. He obviously trusts you, so you could use that foundation to work on helping him trust others?

Bless him. For your relationship though and for him he needs to dial down the intensity a bit though. She’ll outgrow him, all dcs do and when the relationship has been healthy before it’s no bad thing and parent and child remain close.
Can you send him and her out alone so he’s not feeling like he’s abandoning her and arrange some childfree time at home, doing a project in the evening as a stepping stone to childfree time out? Do you get out without her?

He doesn't want to leave her and shouldn't be made too just to please you.

Surely the little one is in bed early every night so plenty of time for couple time anyway.

Surely the little one is in bed early every night so plenty of time for couple time anyway. exactly what I was thinking. Ds's dad and I didn't have anyone to babysit when we were together so we had "date nights" at home. We'd watch a movie together/have a nice meal/have a bath together/whatever we wanted to do. No phones or housework just each other. My partner and I do the same and it works perfectly for us.

My partner works evenings and is usually home after I'm asleep. He has two nights off a week, routinely he is so tired he goes to bed early or just watches telly. Any ideas for projects we could do at home then?

I'm not sure what you mean by projecta but tbh with a toddler and work I'd prefer to just relax with my partner above anything else!